I’m in a weird – but good – place. 

I need to keep this quick because it’s WAY past my bedtime. 

I’m away for work again, another short stint. A conversation with a girlfriend last night got me thinking, and after dinner at her place I decided to walk home to clear my head and hopefully my sinuses. Because yeah, I got my kid’s cold. 

While my head stayed stuffed up, some things became clear.

I really like not having to answer to anyone, and am enjoying my personal freedom at the moment. I almost titled this post “I’m a raging slut” but then realized a) that’s not my core message, and b) “slut” is such a judgy word, and I’m cool with my actions. 

It occurred to me yesterday I have three casual lovers, all black, hung, and super hot, and I’m very lucky for it. They are infrequent lovers, especially Todd, but Lewis and Clark are around enough given how busy I am. 

What is so different for me now than three years ago is I am quite content with the pace of their communications. They reach out when they can and I genuinely don’t notice when it’s been a few days between texts. I’m not fussed. We know exactly what the deal is with each other, and are content with the status quo.

I also have a man who is very keen on deepening our relationship, and who so far has proven to be okay with my blog-big-reveal and the knowledge we aren’t exclusive. Leo and I have seen each other a few times in the last few weeks and it’s been nice. It’s lovely to have someone desire me the way he does. It’s good spending time with him, and I’m not expending much effort worrying about whether it will work out.

Que sera, sera.

A guy I met on Adult Friend Finder last summer (or maybe fall?) who I never ended up meeting – he cancelled a coffee date last minute – texted me out of the blue. He said he’d been travelling for the last 6 months and remembered we’d had good conversations and he asked if we could meet for a coffee.

Sure, why not? Perhaps it will happen next week, but if doesn’t, that’s okay too.

I’m not blasé about my interactions – I’ve had times before where I don’t feel much of anything – but I’m chill. I’m enjoying what’s in my direct path, and focusing on friends and family and work. 

I think that’s an okay place to be. 

Alan is still in the picture.

It may have sounded from my last post that I’d fired all the men in my life. Not true.

While I’m not overwhelmingly excited about anything at the moment, those I’m still engaging with do provide some pleasure. And some is better than none, right?

I haven’t seen Leo since the date I wrote about. Partly because of bad timing on both our parts, but also because he doesn’t take priority. He’s lovely, and patient. I don’t want to take advantage of that. But I saw other lovers the last week I was free. The next week I’m free I’m seeing Alan one night, girlfriends the next, Clark the night after, and then I’m away on business, returning the day I get my child again for the week.

It’s easy to not stress about dating when I have a few nights alone which I welcome, a busy social calendar with friends and family, a couple of casual lovers, and a couple of romantic men willing to take whatever spare time I have. Right now I need alone time more than another date. Continue reading

Oh Drew, the truth isn’t much better.

I haven’t written about Drew much because I haven’t seen him much. After our hot couch session, almost three weeks went by before I saw him again. He kept up a decent communication pace with me, checking in most days. But he is in a similar industry to Tony and therefore, rarely knows his schedule in advance. It’s frustrating but at least I understand it.

One day we were texting back and forth – the same weekend I was preparing myself for Kyle’s penultimate cancellation – and talking about some tentative plans to see a sports event. I told him while I didn’t expect him to sleep over if he was uncomfortable, he was more than welcome. It would mean he didn’t have to drive an hour home that night, or try to arrange something with a friend.

He said thank you, and followed with “you and I both know what this is.” Continue reading

Opening my OK Cupid profile is not a sign I’m damaged.

In a recent post I made a one-off comment about reopening my OK Cupid profile.

The act was not some admission or proof of my being desperate for a boyfriend or needing someone in my life who gently tucks my hair behind an ear and holds it tightly when he takes me from behind.

I’m good at listening to my gut (even when I choose to ignore it, I usually know what it’s saying). There is no desperation or pull of neediness. My self esteem is not damaged by what happened with Fox or Tony.

On the contrary, I feel fucking awesome about being able to stand up for what I needed in both relationships. Continue reading

Time to fess up | I lasted almost three weeks.

The Dom I spent some time on the St. Andrew’s cross with three weeks ago had continued to reach out to me. He checked in with me the day after and continued regularly for a few days. It’s called aftercare, and it’s to be expected.

But I found myself wondering whether there was more to it than that. So I asked, and we established he thought me to be gorgeous and he was interested in potentially playing with me more. If we were going to have penetrative sex, however, he needed to ask his wife and his girlfriend (he’s polyamorous) for permission.

Early last week he asked me if I planned to be at the sex / swingers club that Friday night. I actually had no plans on Friday night, so it was a possibility. He said he wanted to introduce me to his girlfriend and they would be there that night.

But that’s not who this post is about.

Continue reading

Getting over Tony, relationships, and my continuing sexual journey.

I know some of my recent posts may have left you confused. I figure if some of you said it, more of you felt it. This was further compounded by my trying to get up to current date quickly; I didn’t spend as much time writing about my headspace…and taking short cuts usually doesn’t work.

I’ve had enough questions about what I really want, why I’m not just pursuing casual sex, am I ready for a relationship, etcetera, to think I should try to clarify how I feel about all of this.

Here are some of the most common questions:

Shouldn’t I give myself time to heal before dating again? Continue reading

My gangbang fantasy became a reality – sort of (3)

Part One | Part Two

I went back downstairs where the main bar and activities were occurring. I was a little bit sex stupid and my legs were still shaky from the orgasms.

An ice breaker activity was about to start. As soon as one of the hosts saw me, she came over and enthusiastically asked me if I wanted to join. “Sure!” I said, and she led me over to the middle of three bar stools where I sat, flanked between a naked man with nipple piercings and a naked woman.

The man greeted me and I complimented him on his piercings. I asked whether I could touch one, and at the same time he said “oh I have a prince albert one too” so there was a little confusion and some giggles when I had to clarify I didn’t want to touch his cock. Continue reading

My gangbang fantasy became a reality – sort of (2)

[Part One]

I wore my unicorn necklace again, and packed that black string dress from Dale and Lisa, as well as a short black nightgown in case I wasn’t feeling as bold.

In the change room, I saw the same large breasted woman who complimented me on my shoes. She didn’t remember me, or if she did, wasn’t in the mood to chat.

As I was getting changed into the nightgown, I looked to my right and was pretty sure the young guy getting undressed was one of the men I was there to meet. He was taller, attractive, early 30s, and in good shape but nowhere near as ripped as his profile pictures. “Kris?” I said? And it was him.

Continue reading

My gangbang fantasy became a reality – sort of (1)

The gangbang event has finished. I woke up the next day with a terrible cold – which I felt coming on the day of the gangbang but chose to ignore it.

I am constantly amused at the dichotomy between my day-to-day life, and my sexual life. The gangbang was no exception.

It did not satisfy my sexual fantasies. It was fun, hot, and powerful. It was also disappointing, uncomfortable, and overwhelmingly weird.

Here is the setup to the event:

Continue reading

Crying and squirting in the same night: my fluid loss. 

When I wrote my last post, the one about Shenanigans, I was sitting at my kitchen island, crying, having a personal pity party. I had come home from time with a work colleague who is turning into a friend. She had taken me out for dinner and we’d had cocktails, shared a bottle of wine, and ate what she called “obviously we aren’t trying to pick up” food because it was deep fried and plenteous. It had been a fun night.

I was fine when I was out, surrounded by people. But home alone in a quiet house, the noise in my head telling me how much I missed Tony was impossible to block out.

I didn’t need any more alcohol. It was too early for me to go to bed. I was filling my time writing my post and discussing Tony and Mr. Tinder via text. I hadn’t heard from Tinder since I sent a thank you note after our date the night before. He had asked me what I was doing this night and said he would come over after our respective engagements, to f*ck me.  Continue reading