Filling my time.

The first line I wrote for this post was “I’m much better than I used to be at not wasting my time with men.”

I stared at it. Erased it twice.

As much as its true that I don’t waste my time with bullshit online anymore – if I know a man doesn’t want what I want, I don’t bother – I could argue I wasted a lot of time with Tony. Continue reading

Why is there no middle ground?

I’ve been rather introspective lately. Analysis comes naturally anyway; but I’m at the three-year anniversary of the ending of my marriage, and these things invite even deeper thoughts.

I have had no interest in being a single hero. I make no claims about how happy I am without a partner in my life. My Instagram isn’t filled with girl power memes and lists of the things that make being single awesome. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Don’t misunderstand; being with the wrong person isn’t worth it. I’m confident in who I am and the value I provide, and having a man in my life doesn’t make me feel better about myself. I don’t need to be rescued and I don’t need someone to handle the repairs in my house.

But having a grown up person to share my life with (distinguishing between my child who is the physical embodiment of my heart, outside my body) makes many things better.

Continue reading

The fading away and return of Faraway Lover

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There’s no anxiety or drama. Is this how it’s supposed to be?

As wise as I may be about dating, human nature, and sex, I confess to being rather useless when it comes to actual relationships. I have lots of practice when it comes to everything else.

I can’t really count the two long-term high school relationships, right?

The first was a year with an egotistical, charismatic, and self-absorbed musician who later became a bona fide star. He was three years older yet I was his first lover. He broke my heart and I let him have sex with me for six months after he dumped me for another woman – to whom he’s still married. His band is still around and every time I hear his music I think – wow, dodged a bullet with that dude. Continue reading

Time to fess up | I lasted almost three weeks.

The Dom I spent some time on the St. Andrew’s cross with three weeks ago had continued to reach out to me. He checked in with me the day after and continued regularly for a few days. It’s called aftercare, and it’s to be expected.

But I found myself wondering whether there was more to it than that. So I asked, and we established he thought me to be gorgeous and he was interested in potentially playing with me more. If we were going to have penetrative sex, however, he needed to ask his wife and his girlfriend (he’s polyamorous) for permission.

Early last week he asked me if I planned to be at the sex / swingers club that Friday night. I actually had no plans on Friday night, so it was a possibility. He said he wanted to introduce me to his girlfriend and they would be there that night.

But that’s not who this post is about.

Continue reading

Getting over Tony, relationships, and my continuing sexual journey.

I know some of my recent posts may have left you confused. I figure if some of you said it, more of you felt it. This was further compounded by my trying to get up to current date quickly; I didn’t spend as much time writing about my headspace…and taking short cuts usually doesn’t work.

I’ve had enough questions about what I really want, why I’m not just pursuing casual sex, am I ready for a relationship, etcetera, to think I should try to clarify how I feel about all of this.

Here are some of the most common questions:

Shouldn’t I give myself time to heal before dating again? Continue reading

Meet Mister Fox

Mr. Fox reached out to me on Plenty of Fish. He made a clever reference to my job in relation to his, and it was easy for me to respond.

His profile showed a very handsome, very tall (6’4″) 49 year old long-divorced professional. He has a teenage child, a love of craft beer, and enjoys exploring restaurants. In a notable departure from my latest boyfriends, he has a full head of hair.

You know the next part: witty and interesting messaging back and forth on the dating site, he asked to move to text, and it continued at a reasonable pace and was red flag free (Madeline, it is possible). I was quite excited about meeting this one. Continue reading

Battered and bruised…

I have lots to write. I’ve fallen behind. So I will leave you with this…. 

Since Tuesday, I have done the following:

  • Bruised my cervix such that it’s taken three days to feel better.
  • Experienced the largest penis I’ve ever been with.
  • Been put on the back burner, where I’m unhappy.
  • Talked to Tony for an hour.
  • Saw Tony.
  • Was reminded how much I love Tony, and learned how much he’s missed me.
  • Have NOT fooled myself that much has changed with Tony, if anything.
  • Went for dinner with a girlfriend.
  • Spontaneously went to a swingers club (a new one) with Jason who arranged for us to meet a couple.
  • Kissed a woman for the first time.
  • Had a woman go down on me for the first time.
  • Was beaten for the first time, on a cross, with an audience, by a real Dom (one I’d been talking to for months who just happened to also be at said club).

So yeah. There’s this:

[I deleted this picture. Seems it was a bit much for some of you, even from me. I’m sorry. I’m sad if I offended anyone. Let’s just say my ass is bruised and marked and it was all just fine in the moment and I was surprised at how it looks in the aftermath.]

Oh, and I may be seeing Tony tonight. If I do, it’s likely he’ll see my ass. I guess I will be telling him a few things about my sexual journey.

I promise to write more. I’m just leaving for a first date and arranging a second one. Perhaps I will have some down time by the end of the weekend 🙂

The aftermath in my brain

One commenter on my last post mentioned something I hadn’t highlighted – but it was something my brain latched on to from my conversation with Tony. And since my writing this, a few others have gotten on that train.

It was his “I don’t want to hold you back” comment.

What the hell does that mean?

I doubt he’s at the point in our relationship that he loves me so much he would rather let me go than potentially hurt me. I felt that way about someone in the past, and it was borne out of a lot of love and mutual respect.

Where did my brain take that comment? To this place: it’s a passive way to tell me he can’t / won’t meet my needs. That perhaps he wanted me to say “I don’t want to be held back either, so goodbye Tony”.  Continue reading