I am writing this post fresh. Freshly angry. Apologies in advance for a lack of editing and shitty structure.
You’ll surely recall he (Tony) fucked me on Christmas eve, in the midst of family-oriented errands. He was fully ensconced in family time for Christmas and days afterwards. So naturally, he didn’t reach out. I am not part of that part of his life.
Which honestly down to my core was just fine – because it helped me put more nails in the coffin of what was left of our relationship.
I’ve had a busy week. I’m writing this on a plane, having had just 4 hours of sleep last night, but boy was it worth it.
My life is normal to me, because it’s mine. But sometimes I see myself through the eyes of others, and I think – whoa. I have been in the arms of five different men in the last 7 days. None were new to me. Two were at the same time. One I didn’t have penetrative sex with. But still.
You know what? It was awesome.
I saw Alan and it felt like a repeat of earlier dates. Nothing new to discuss.
But Lewis and Clark both came over during the week and sweet holy heck was it amazing. Sometimes threesomes can be repetitive – being “spit roasted” (sucking one while fucking the other) and literally just switching from one end of the bed to the other. Continue reading →
While I’ve gone through different cycles in dating the past three years – the ebb and flow of excitement and frustration – there’s something inside of me that’s changed.
It’s not just because my dance card is relatively full with casual sex opportunities – while Drew has fallen off the card, there’s still Lewis, and Jake, and presumably Clark although I haven’t heard from him in a couple of weeks. There’s a guy pursuing me again who I saw twice a couple of years ago and things just faded away. There’s another guy who will likely amount to nothing but who popped up again recently.
I’ve been in that situation before, and still felt a yearning to seek a more meaningful relationship, so it’s not that. Continue reading →
I’ve been rather introspective lately. Analysis comes naturally anyway; but I’m at the three-year anniversary of the ending of my marriage, and these things invite even deeper thoughts.
I have had no interest in being a single hero. I make no claims about how happy I am without a partner in my life. My Instagram isn’t filled with girl power memes and lists of the things that make being single awesome. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Don’t misunderstand; being with the wrong person isn’t worth it. I’m confident in who I am and the value I provide, and having a man in my life doesn’t make me feel better about myself. I don’t need to be rescued and I don’t need someone to handle the repairs in my house.
But having a grown up person to share my life with (distinguishing between my child who is the physical embodiment of my heart, outside my body) makes many things better.
Tara suggested my last post sounded like closure with Tony. I hadn’t thought about it until that moment, and have been reflecting on it since.
I suppose I had always defined goodbye as something truly final – but it’s more nuanced than that. For now, I’m not going to cut off contact. I’m not blocking and deleting him (the latter having no impact anyway since his number has been memorized for a long time); there’s no point. However, with each discussion I am further disconnected emotionally.
I haven’t written about Tony in a while, and it’s been deliberate: there’s not much to say. But I’ll say some things anyway.
He still hasn’t moved back in with his wife (I’m going to drop the “ex” because really, what’s the point). He still hasn’t put notice on his apartment. He’s still not sleeping there on a regular basis – a few times at most. He’s still not having sex with her.
And before you roll your eyes on the latter – they aren’t. They didn’t before. Like my marriage, it was essentially sexless. But ultimately it doesn’t matter because he’s on a path to going back to his marriage; that’s the intention he’s set. Continue reading →
In a text conversation with one of my girlfriends recently, I made a comment along the lines of wanting to have someone in my life because it’s simply better that way.
Doesn’t seem like a big revelation, but it did help me understand my nuances and how I can be okay on my own while also hoping to find someone.
Here’s the thing. I see a lot of people who want someone in their life because their self-esteem and security is tied to having a partner. They need external validation. Faraway Lover was like this – he mourned the loss of his marriage and quickly found a replacement. Despite needing reassurances from lots of women, ultimately he needed one person who was always going to be there for him. Continue reading →
I’d been well fucked by two large gentlemen, but afterwards reached out to Tony to see what he was up to. We planned for him to come over early the next morning. I slept incredibly well which was not a surprise given what had happened to me physically and mentally.
Early is relative. I’d woken up, realized I wasn’t going to sleep in despite my attempts, and by the time I had made myself a latte and hopped back in bed to read the newspaper, Tony had arrived.
I’d washed some of my body parts the night before, but was definitely still covered in the sweat of my threesome. I hadn’t changed my sheets, either. It was a mild night and I’d slept with the window cracked, so the room at least smelled fresh.
I’m hoping you can all learn from my fuck-ups. And no, I don’t mean the recent relationship that ended really badly. Well, not the relationship part.
As I’m spending a bunch of time deleting content and figuring out how to keep other content away from the wrong eyes, it occurred to me that I, Ann St. Vincent, could provide a list of “what not to do” to keep your blogging content away from some of the people in your life.
Some of this also applies to you as a reader. You’d probably be surprised to know what I can learn about you when you engage on a blog.
Some of it may be obvious, but I thought I was safe and I wasn’t. Here goes: Continue reading →