Relationship past its expiry

The danger of continuing a relationship past its expiry

I haven’t written about Tony in a while, and it’s been deliberate: there’s not much to say. But I’ll say some things anyway.

He still hasn’t moved back in with his wife (I’m going to drop the “ex” because really, what’s the point). He still hasn’t put notice on his apartment. He’s still not sleeping there on a regular basis – a few times at most. He’s still not having sex with her.

And before you roll your eyes on the latter – they aren’t. They didn’t before. Like my marriage, it was essentially sexless. But ultimately it doesn’t matter because he’s on a path to going back to his marriage; that’s the intention he’s set. Continue reading

yes, i want a boyfriend

Yes I want a boyfriend, but I don’t need one

In a text conversation with one of my girlfriends recently, I made a comment along the lines of wanting to have someone in my life because it’s simply better that way.

Doesn’t seem like a big revelation, but it did help me understand my nuances and how I can be okay on my own while also hoping to find someone.

Here’s the thing. I see a lot of people who want someone in their life because their self-esteem and security is tied to having a partner. They need external validation. Faraway Lover was like this – he mourned the loss of his marriage and quickly found a replacement. Despite needing reassurances from lots of women, ultimately he needed one person who was always going to be there for him. Continue reading

Falling quickly into the easy intimacy with Tony.

I didn’t write about this moment with the man I was dating, but it was a revelation for me. It was after our weekend together, and after I’d told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship or to be exclusive.

He wanted to re-hash the reasons why, so I did. I explained in broad strokes what happened with Tony. He looked at me and asked two very simple questions.

1) Did I want Tony back? Continue reading

The slow sucking of quicksand…

This title made sense to me in the late hour I was drafting notes for this post, but today when I looked again I laughed out loud when I saw “slow” and “quick” in the title. I’m leaving it flawed, because it seems appropriate. I’ve never pretended to be anything but.

I’ve seen him again. More than once.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this situation, what the hell I’m doing, and I come up devoid of the words to make sense of it. I will most certainly write more about it, but what I know is it’s doing more good than harm – for the moment. Continue reading

Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony

I’ve mentioned Tony a few times here and there since our breakup, but mostly in passing. I guess I felt like I was in pretty good mental shape when it came to him (Tony, that is), so I didn’t spend a lot of time worrying or analyzing.

I saw him a few weeks after our breakup, at the end of January.

I can no longer recall if I mentioned the Valentine’s gift I bought for Tony. It was a vintage Hermes tie with a cactus and hedgehog pattern. Simply perfect…me as the cactus and him the hedgehog. I once said to him even if I was a cactus I would be dying from his lack of care and feeding. It became a running joke between us. Continue reading

How does this happen so quickly, and talking to Tony.

This happens enough that I wonder if there’s some truth to an ability to just “put things out into the universe”. I won’t profess to know either way, but it does make for fun blog posts if nothing else. I can think of at least three past blog posts similar to this one.

Last week, the day I had my morning talk with Tony, I heard from none other than the Comedian. He’d gone silent in the early summer after a string of romantic and sweet messages to me. I figured he had a girlfriend and just couldn’t figure out how to stay in touch as friends.  Continue reading

The 48-hour aftermath 

Breakups always suck, but the amount of suckage is relative. I don’t feel like that’s a particularly profound statement but it’s what I’ve got for you right now.

As my breakup with Tony goes, it’s a doozy.

It’s not so much that I doubt the decision we made (and yes, it was we; I knew deep down what was likely to happen when I drew my line in the sand). I’m at peace with the decision and I am relieved to not have that awful feeling of mistrust and unsatisfied yearning of my heart.

What makes me sad is the loss of him as part of my day-to-day life. What has me sobbing is the losing one of the strongest connections I’ve ever had with a man.  Continue reading

He did the right thing.

I spoke to Tony early one morning and then sent him an email the next day. My actions and words were deliberate. The words were the right ones for me; I simply had to draw my line in the sand. I knew the risks. I also knew that an email was better than trying to get all of that out in a conversation. Tony listens, absorbs, and processes on his own.

I sent the email yesterday morning and we were supposed to have a dinner and overnight date. When I called him around lunch time to sort out plans, he said he was going to come over early afternoon to my place (I was working from home). When I asked about dinner he was cagey.

In my gut, I knew what was going to happen.

Continue reading

I puked these words all over him

He came over after Liam fell asleep, to exchange presents and sleep over.

He’d asked me that afternoon if I could “dress for him”: my tennis shirt, his favorite bra, a specific shirt.

I was worried his gifts would be all sex related and they weren’t. He’d put thought into what I might like: handcrafted tonic for amazing gin and tonics, gift certificates for a customized sports jersey for my favorite team, a double ended dildo that enters me and allows me to peg him without a harness, thigh high socks for a fantasy look.

The socks were presented first, added to my outfit, and finished off with my high top Converse chucks. He admired the view as I bent over to put them on, grabbing my hips and dry humping me from behind. Continue reading

More things said on my Christmas vacation

If I keep writing the sad and angry posts y’all might get the impression there was nothing good about my vacation with Tony. But that wasn’t the case.

One night, sitting by the ocean in the light of the sunset, he looked at me and told me how beautiful I was; even more than usual by the light of the sunset and in the Caribbean breeze. He’s never been particularly romantic, but I got some romance the five days we were together.

He was affectionate. He’d reach over from the deck chair or across the bed just to touch me, squeeze my hand, kiss my cheek or run his fingers through my hair. He got me so many drinks one bartender nicknamed him “the butler”. He said “good morning gorgeous”. Of course there was all the sex; three or four times a day, every day. Continue reading