John had promised to chill out and stop talking about being exclusive and where things were going with us. I wasn’t convinced it could happen, but I wanted to give him a try.
It was now Tuesday. He managed to keep the text traffic to a minimum that day. He knew things were very busy for me at work. He didn’t have a job. I told him when I got home: I had Liam.
He sent a list of all the dates we were going to have by the end of the week, saying I should be in love with him about 20% by Friday. I knew he was trying to be funny, but it only served to make me feel that he really wasn’t listening to my ask of him to take things slow.
He is #9 on my list. The only man who has had sex with me in three of my four decades – at 18, 24, and (spoiler alert!) 43. We missed my 30s due to marriage. My first and only serious foreign crush – one which went from desire to implementation after a few years of hoping.
We met in France the summer I was 15, on the cusp of 16. My father and step-mother had signed us all up for month-long language classes in a beautiful university town. We stayed in campus housing. In the classic style of my father, my class was supposed to be for age 18 and over, but he signed me up anyway. They never checked. Continue reading →
I broke up with Leo three nights ago. I’d been writing about how I felt about him and doing my usual processing of things. I’d spoken to my Mom earlier in the week and decided I’d just see how things played out. There was no “burning platform” to break up. No crazy blog-finding (Fox) or police action (HWSNBN) or wives who found out about a relationship (Tony).
I decided to see how the next few weeks went, now that I’m finally relatively physically mobile and we could have more active dates. It had been 5 weeks without any Tony contact and I was working my way through that.
I have to be honest about the key male relationships in my life, starting with my Father, and how unavailable men (in one form or another) are the archetype.
While I’ve moved past much of the bad behaviors that would otherwise continue to perpetuate the past, I can’t ignore the reality that those relationships are familiar. And even if painful, they are therefore comfortable. So what happens to me when I don’t have to fight for men to be available to me?
I had practice with Johnny Id, Fox, and even HWSNBN. There were other men who I dated briefly who were smitten. So this isn’t brand-new. When I don’t need to spend my emotional energy fighting, what do I do with that energy? Do I need the chase to be interested? Continue reading →
I’m back from my beach vacation with Leo. Despite it being a relaxing time, my brain constantly buzzed. It’s still buzzing, cycling through thoughts of men, needs, past relationships, and what it is I really want.
I planned to write yesterday but instead stayed in bed most of the day catching up on social media and work emails. I spoke to my Mom for an hour and gave her the lowdown. She gave me lots to think about, as always, commiserating on the downside of our shared analytical nature.
Why do I have anything for my brain to be buzzy about? I’m not smitten with Leo.Continue reading →
I’m writing this on my phone, on the beach on the sun, whilst Leo is playing beach volleyball 100 metres away. Apologies for any mistakes…I will fix them when I’m at my computer again.
We are on Day 3 of 5. It’s been very nice so far.
My body failed me and decided to start my period the first day of our trip. I knew there would be some overlap but was expecting it to be wrapping up by the start. Leo said he didn’t care, thank goodness. But menstrual cramps and having to jump to the bathroom to take out a tampon as a man starts to put his hands down your pants is super annoying. Continue reading →
The only thing I’m going to say about Tony is I haven’t heard from him, and it’s okay.
Leo has been a consistent presence since I broke my leg mid-December. He is mercifully drama-free. My only emotional hiccup so far was feeling somewhat bereft of attention last month, which led to nothing more than some flirty texts and a single romp in my bed with Clark.
No, Leo and I haven’t had an exclusivity discussion. I’ve been putting it off, and he seems perfectly content. Continue reading →
If you haven’t read about the recent “developments” with Tony, you can start with this post.
I know I’ve said it many times: this blog is extraordinarily helpful for sorting out my crap. I was in a good place with Tony, because I’d blocked him for weeks, successfully. I missed him but it was abstract, and I didn’t feel a pull to reach out or reconnect. When I unblocked him, I experimented with what it was like to be completely reactive – I let him call or text.
I am writing this post fresh. Freshly angry. Apologies in advance for a lack of editing and shitty structure.
You’ll surely recall he (Tony) fucked me on Christmas eve, in the midst of family-oriented errands. He was fully ensconced in family time for Christmas and days afterwards. So naturally, he didn’t reach out. I am not part of that part of his life.
Which honestly down to my core was just fine – because it helped me put more nails in the coffin of what was left of our relationship.
I’ve had a busy week. I’m writing this on a plane, having had just 4 hours of sleep last night, but boy was it worth it.
My life is normal to me, because it’s mine. But sometimes I see myself through the eyes of others, and I think – whoa. I have been in the arms of five different men in the last 7 days. None were new to me. Two were at the same time. One I didn’t have penetrative sex with. But still.
You know what? It was awesome.
I saw Alan and it felt like a repeat of earlier dates. Nothing new to discuss.
But Lewis and Clark both came over during the week and sweet holy heck was it amazing. Sometimes threesomes can be repetitive – being “spit roasted” (sucking one while fucking the other) and literally just switching from one end of the bed to the other. Continue reading →