Thanks to the reader who sent me an email about this, or I wouldn’t have known.
Yesterday, I looked at some of my draft posts, including those about the man I refer to as “He Who Shall Not Be Named” (HWSNBN). I took all of the posts off the blog after some nasty shit went down between us that culminated in the police getting involved.
Anyway, I read one such post, called Intimacy with friends and lovers, and noticed it had some passages quite similar to what I’ve been writing about Leo. I decided to put the post back into “published” status, and did so on my phone, not realizing some of you would get that post via email.
So to any of you who read that post thinking it was about Leo, it wasn’t. Apologies!
Oh, and I also seem to have posted my last post (It’s not him, it’s me. Or is it?) with the wrong time, so not sure it showed up in anyone’s feed. Not my day, I guess.
If you haven’t read about the recent “developments” with Tony, you can start with this post.
I know I’ve said it many times: this blog is extraordinarily helpful for sorting out my crap. I was in a good place with Tony, because I’d blocked him for weeks, successfully. I missed him but it was abstract, and I didn’t feel a pull to reach out or reconnect. When I unblocked him, I experimented with what it was like to be completely reactive – I let him call or text.
I was playing around with Google Analytics today and doing some blog maintenance. While I knew “making a sex machine” and its derivatives is often one of the top searches that gets people to my blog, I didn’t realize how often.
Over 39,000 times – since I switched to self-hosted last Spring. I know that post gets around 120 hits a day, so seems right.
It’s funny – it drives my site traffic but not engagement. People don’t hang around and read my story – they are looking for instructions.
I re-read the post today and it still makes me giggle. Because really, it’s ridiculous. The box has sat under my bed since the time I tried it. The reciprocating saw hasn’t been used. Somehow I think if I tell Leo, he’ll try it.
Several years ago, when I was still married, my Mom told me she was concerned I didn’t have a close-knit group of women in my life whom I could count on to be there for me no matter what.
Of course I argued with her, saying I had a couple of close friends who fell into that category.
But of course, there was real truth to her observation. One of my goals since becoming single was to build back up the friend relationships I had let go during my marriage, and build new connections as well. Freed from the restrictions of a judgey spouse who didn’t want to “take new friend applications” (yes, he said that), I could meet new people I like and invite them for dinner. I could spend quality time with existing friends and deepen or connection.
I need to get caught up here, because I don’t want to keep taking writing shortcuts. There are things going on in my head which I need to unpack – and sometimes it takes a whole post to do so. But I can’t do that if I haven’t introduced the situations or characters.
I have closed my Bumble and Adult Friend Finder accounts. I’m not taking any new applicants for the time being. I met a couple of men from AFF, two who haven’t made it to the blog were good pre-clearance dates but nothing came of it. One went away for a week’s trip and I never heard from him upon his return. The other I told I wasn’t going to be able to make time for a second date any time soon. Continue reading →
Update! I added the widget. It makes me smile. Enjoy.
I’ve been thinking about adding a widget to my blog akin to “X days accident-free” signs found in industrial plants. “24 hours Tony-free” – which I would have to update if I contact him or reply to any outreach.
He doesn’t fully realize the nature of my goodbye. Granted, the last time I said goodbye (May 2015) I lasted a mere few months. I don’t blame him. No matter what I’ve said, he thinks we will be “friends”.
I didn’t think it worth my time or emotional energy to challenge his ridiculous and unrealistic beliefs about what would happen next. When he said we could now have play dates with our children, all I said was “oh and how are you going to explain who I am to Mary?” and he said “I will figure something out.”
Some of you recommended a scorched earth policy or an immediate “block and delete” response. But that’s not my style – that’s an exceptional action reserved only for dudes who harass me. Like the weird dude who sent texts like “are you ready to meet yet I’d like to chew on your clit”. Ewww. Or the guy who said “watch your fucking mouth cunt you’ll be sorry”. He’s the one who has been exorcised from this blog.
I haven’t seen Tony since I wrote my last post. He’s asked a few times, and each time I’ve said “no”. Each time he’s said “oh it would be so awesome to see you” or “I really missed seeing you on the weekend” I haven’t replied in kind.
I’ve been rather introspective lately. Analysis comes naturally anyway; but I’m at the three-year anniversary of the ending of my marriage, and these things invite even deeper thoughts.
I have had no interest in being a single hero. I make no claims about how happy I am without a partner in my life. My Instagram isn’t filled with girl power memes and lists of the things that make being single awesome. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Don’t misunderstand; being with the wrong person isn’t worth it. I’m confident in who I am and the value I provide, and having a man in my life doesn’t make me feel better about myself. I don’t need to be rescued and I don’t need someone to handle the repairs in my house.
But having a grown up person to share my life with (distinguishing between my child who is the physical embodiment of my heart, outside my body) makes many things better.
Tara suggested my last post sounded like closure with Tony. I hadn’t thought about it until that moment, and have been reflecting on it since.
I suppose I had always defined goodbye as something truly final – but it’s more nuanced than that. For now, I’m not going to cut off contact. I’m not blocking and deleting him (the latter having no impact anyway since his number has been memorized for a long time); there’s no point. However, with each discussion I am further disconnected emotionally.