Sorry Ann, I need to get my shit together.

Bruce’s eventual response to my text suggesting he stay overnight to avoid having to drive back and forth tonight:

Ann

I don’t know how to say this … so I’m just gonna say it 

I can’t see anyone right now 

I’m too stressed 

I need to get my life together before I add people to it.

I am depressed … anxious… don’t feel like being around anyone right now. 

Sorry Ann

I need to get my shit together

Sigh. Continue reading

The kind of man Bruce is.

So yeah, I made a mistake and left a voicemail for Bruce on his ex-wife’s machine. I learned a lot about their marriage and separation. I also learned a lot about the kind of man he is. I have always said I don’t really know a man until I see him angry, and under stress, with his friends and how he treats his mother.

I got a few of those knocked off the list pretty early.

How you handle things when you’re angry with someone is very telling. Bruce and I had two conversations about “the incident”. His ex had stormed over the first night, and continued the barrage the next morning when they saw each other during the school drop off. He was really shaken up about the whole thing. Continue reading

Bruce under stress.

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Whether I thought she was being reasonable was irrelevant. It was also not the time for me to give Bruce a hard time about not looking harder for his phone. It was my time to apologize and to listen.

And talk, Bruce did.

He told me more about the breakdown of their marriage. How he left after years of asking for intimacy. They didn’t have sex the last two years. They didn’t talk about anything other than her work and the kids. He said all she did in the evenings was sit on the couch and drink wine. He says he wants to be with someone who is as interested in him as he is in them, and who does more with their life.  Continue reading

Trying to relax with Bruce.

Thankfully, it wasn’t over after sex with Bruce on the second date. We exchanged a few texts as he drove home – an almost hour-long drive – and he called me “sweetie” when he texted goodnight. But I still had dating anxiety.

The next morning I sent a good morning text and we had a brief exchange. Mid-morning he checked in to say he hoped I was having a good day. We had another exchange at the end of the day. All consistent with the days prior.

That night I was at a sporting event with a close friend. A man who reminds me a bit of Bruce, actually, and Bruce and I bantered off and on throughout the game. I asked whether he was used to a woman squirting since he seemed pretty chill about it. Continue reading

Hiccups and tears.

Perhaps I spoke too soon.

Is it normal to have relationship hiccups so early? Misaligned behaviors or communication styles which cause friction? I’m hard-pressed to think of men it hasn’t happened with. Leo, perhaps… but only because he was a very responsive communicator and generous with his time and attention.

It’s the stage of dating that can really suck – when you know enough about someone that you know you want to spend more time with them, but you aren’t secure enough in how they feel about you, and how you are with each other, and you aren’t a priority in each other’s lives yet.

Continue reading

when communication styles misalign

After two dates: then, the doubts.

If communication styles between two people aren’t perfectly aligned, as someone highly attuned to it, in the early days of dating it can cause doubts and anxiety until I get comfortable with patterns and see an alignment between words and actions.

Jack was saying all of the right things. He was clear from the start he preferred the more traditional form of dating – just one woman at a time. He explicitly said and wrote I was that woman. He complimented me in his texts about the things he liked about me.

All good.

But I’ve been fooled before. I’ve had great first sexual experiences just to have someone disappear. Shit happens.  Continue reading

a threesome with two stallions

A very thorough f*cking.

I’m sore in many places, from my core to my ass. And by ass, I mean anus ;), thanks to a particularly awesome threesome.

I have been thoroughly fucked, perhaps in the way only possible when you’ve had two lovers tag team you for hours.

If you don’t know that pleasure, add it to your list now.

I have seen both Lewis and Clark since my injury, but only once each and not together. Continue reading

I'm chillin', but wonder if I'm crazy…is this different?

It’s been three weeks since Tony and I reconnected over dinner.

I chose to do a fair amount of mental processing before I decided to treat him as something other than a temporary physical distraction. It did help, even if it’s painful for some of you to watch it via my posts.

My resolution is to not over think things constantly. To focus on what I have other than Tony and any men on the periphery (which amounts solely to Jason and a couple others who text occasionally; it’s sex-club-only interests which I’m not acting on). And with Tony, to enjoy what I get from him – which is companionship and passion.

It’s taken me a few days but I’ve presently worked any anxiety out of my system. Continue reading

I didn’t say “I love you” back.

When Fox told me he’d fallen in love with me, I wasn’t surprised. There were several moments in the last few weeks where I could feel and see those words shimmering just below the surface.

I’ve thought them myself, usually in the midst of or after sex. But when the phrase “I love him” popped into my consciousness, I dismissed it as partially due to that wonderful drug Oxytocin. Because it’s designed to bind us to someone in this very fashion. I wasn’t ready to say it and certainly didn’t want to be the first.

Why do I resist?

I am keenly aware I told another man I loved him just last week. Now, it was in the process of telling him I couldn’t see him again, but still. I know I will always have a place in my heart for Tony, even if I’m moving on.

All that to say, somehow it felt disingenuous in that moment to tell Fox I loved him.

I don’t want to say it just because he did. How often do we hear those words and feel compelled to respond in kind? You can’t take it back – can’t say “yeah I know I said I love you but upon further reflection I’m not so sure.”

But even more fundamental is my need to process how I feel in this relationship.

As I’ve said before, I feel calm. There is no anxiety. I know how he cares about me. He’s amazing to me. He’s steady and comforting. I’m fully embracing moving to a serious relationship with him. I like how he kisses me and the sex keeps getting better.

But.

He doesn’t make me howl with laughter. His touch doesn’t instantly electrify me the way Tony’s did. He’s not high energy, or an extrovert. He’s a type “B”. He’s tall and relatively slim but not muscular. He’s never been to an Opera (okay the last one is true but irrelevant since he’s willing to go with me).

None of these particularly matter, but it’s not the type to which I’m usually drawn. He gives me so much and yet I worry about the relatively inconsequential things. In the past, I’ve taken chemistry over comfort. Muscles over maturity. Laughter over love.

These were not good decisions, but it’s a pattern I’m familiar with.

I worry as the first man to quench my thirst, I could be blind. I worry about being wrong.

After all, the Platters did say: “when your hearts on fire, you must realize, smoke gets in your eyes.

There’s no anxiety or drama. Is this how it’s supposed to be?

As wise as I may be about dating, human nature, and sex, I confess to being rather useless when it comes to actual relationships. I have lots of practice when it comes to everything else.

I can’t really count the two long-term high school relationships, right?

The first was a year with an egotistical, charismatic, and self-absorbed musician who later became a bona fide star. He was three years older yet I was his first lover. He broke my heart and I let him have sex with me for six months after he dumped me for another woman – to whom he’s still married. His band is still around and every time I hear his music I think – wow, dodged a bullet with that dude. Continue reading