when communication styles misalign

After two dates: then, the doubts.

If communication styles between two people aren’t perfectly aligned, as someone highly attuned to it, in the early days of dating it can cause doubts and anxiety until I get comfortable with patterns and see an alignment between words and actions.

Jack was saying all of the right things. He was clear from the start he preferred the more traditional form of dating – just one woman at a time. He explicitly said and wrote I was that woman. He complimented me in his texts about the things he liked about me.

All good.

But I’ve been fooled before. I’ve had great first sexual experiences just to have someone disappear. Shit happens.  Continue reading

a threesome with two stallions

A very thorough f*cking.

I’m sore in many places, from my core to my ass. And by ass, I mean anus ;), thanks to a particularly awesome threesome.

I have been thoroughly fucked, perhaps in the way only possible when you’ve had two lovers tag team you for hours.

If you don’t know that pleasure, add it to your list now.

I have seen both Lewis and Clark since my injury, but only once each and not together. Continue reading

I'm chillin', but wonder if I'm crazy…is this different?

It’s been three weeks since Tony and I reconnected over dinner.

I chose to do a fair amount of mental processing before I decided to treat him as something other than a temporary physical distraction. It did help, even if it’s painful for some of you to watch it via my posts.

My resolution is to not over think things constantly. To focus on what I have other than Tony and any men on the periphery (which amounts solely to Jason and a couple others who text occasionally; it’s sex-club-only interests which I’m not acting on). And with Tony, to enjoy what I get from him – which is companionship and passion.

It’s taken me a few days but I’ve presently worked any anxiety out of my system. Continue reading

I didn’t say “I love you” back.

When Fox told me he’d fallen in love with me, I wasn’t surprised. There were several moments in the last few weeks where I could feel and see those words shimmering just below the surface.

I’ve thought them myself, usually in the midst of or after sex. But when the phrase “I love him” popped into my consciousness, I dismissed it as partially due to that wonderful drug Oxytocin. Because it’s designed to bind us to someone in this very fashion. I wasn’t ready to say it and certainly didn’t want to be the first.

Why do I resist?

I am keenly aware I told another man I loved him just last week. Now, it was in the process of telling him I couldn’t see him again, but still. I know I will always have a place in my heart for Tony, even if I’m moving on.

All that to say, somehow it felt disingenuous in that moment to tell Fox I loved him.

I don’t want to say it just because he did. How often do we hear those words and feel compelled to respond in kind? You can’t take it back – can’t say “yeah I know I said I love you but upon further reflection I’m not so sure.”

But even more fundamental is my need to process how I feel in this relationship.

As I’ve said before, I feel calm. There is no anxiety. I know how he cares about me. He’s amazing to me. He’s steady and comforting. I’m fully embracing moving to a serious relationship with him. I like how he kisses me and the sex keeps getting better.

But.

He doesn’t make me howl with laughter. His touch doesn’t instantly electrify me the way Tony’s did. He’s not high energy, or an extrovert. He’s a type “B”. He’s tall and relatively slim but not muscular. He’s never been to an Opera (okay the last one is true but irrelevant since he’s willing to go with me).

None of these particularly matter, but it’s not the type to which I’m usually drawn. He gives me so much and yet I worry about the relatively inconsequential things. In the past, I’ve taken chemistry over comfort. Muscles over maturity. Laughter over love.

These were not good decisions, but it’s a pattern I’m familiar with.

I worry as the first man to quench my thirst, I could be blind. I worry about being wrong.

After all, the Platters did say: “when your hearts on fire, you must realize, smoke gets in your eyes.

There’s no anxiety or drama. Is this how it’s supposed to be?

As wise as I may be about dating, human nature, and sex, I confess to being rather useless when it comes to actual relationships. I have lots of practice when it comes to everything else.

I can’t really count the two long-term high school relationships, right?

The first was a year with an egotistical, charismatic, and self-absorbed musician who later became a bona fide star. He was three years older yet I was his first lover. He broke my heart and I let him have sex with me for six months after he dumped me for another woman – to whom he’s still married. His band is still around and every time I hear his music I think – wow, dodged a bullet with that dude. Continue reading

What a difference a guy makes…

Do you remember the Tony drama about whether I was his girlfriend? The guy who wasn’t into “labels” and resisted (for reasons that became clear after the fact) using such a term, even though we were exclusive?

Let’s say I’ve been in a relationship desert for the bulk of the last seventeen years. When you don’t know what’s possible, you take what you are given. Coming out of a marriage desert, when a man gives you a sip of water, you feel like your thirst should be quenched.

But you wonder why you still feel thirsty. Continue reading

It's easy to be chill when you don't care.

A few months ago, I came across an article which had me saying “YES. This.” It’s called “Against Chill”.

I am decidedly un-chill. I am passionate and intense and feel deep and fall hard.

But I can cultivate chill. I talk the big brave talk about my dating rules, which 95% of the time I’m really good at following. Like I mentioned last week, I’m rather proudly blasé about not hearing from the Accountant or Mr. Fetlife. Hell, I even totally missed that Mr. Checklist and I hadn’t texted for three days.

Yup. I’m a badass chill cool cat.

Yeah, right. Continue reading

I'm not going to keep writing the same post over and over.

That’s a lie: I just might.

I haven’t broken up with Tony. I’m sure some of you are pleased to hear this and some of you just banged your head on your screen in frustration.

I know I don’t want to hang by a thread of hope for something to change. I know I don’t want to live off scraps of communication and affection. I don’t want to be constantly frustrated at wanting more, and not getting it. I know I’m worthy of someone amazing.

I also know Tony and I have a wonderful time together, he cares about me, and makes me laugh. He’s intelligent, passionate, and curious.

My new nickname is Cactus. Continue reading

Part Three | What not to do when you are planning to break up with someone

Part One | Part Two

Tony couldn’t come back to my place with me. He didn’t have a car and had to take his son to school the next morning. So the conversation was pretty much over when we left the bar. Being in public the whole time, we barely even kissed on our date.

My heart was yelling at me to not break it off with him, and my head was yelling that nothing would change in the short term. But his comment about being “everything he’d ever wanted” was what I kept coming back to. Of course – it was what I wanted to hear. I also kept replaying his comment about his ex – thinking for crying out loud, could he not just make that decision?!

I forget when it happened, but at some point he was telling me that he still hadn’t gone to pick up some packages that were delivered to a town about 90 minutes away from where we live – and his accountant said he was “retarded” (yes, knowing that was a terrible word to use) for not even getting that done. I had only one meeting the next day so asked him what he was doing…  Continue reading

Part Two | What not to do when you are planning to break up with someone

Part One

I looked him in the eye and said (not verbatim, and not a monologue):

I am confused and frustrated. I feel that you are not emotionally available. You are not ready to be someone’s boyfriend. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why. I believe you feel about me the way you say. Perhaps you just aren’t ready – you have a lot of stuff to sort out. Perhaps you don’t know how. Perhaps you don’t realize that what we have is hard to find. The reasons, however, are irrelevant. 

New relationships need care and feeding. I don’t just know how you feel – you have to tell me. I get more “good morning beautiful” texts from exes than from you. My ex husband called me to see how I was doing with my job loss, yet I heard nothing from you. I feel as if you are here for me when it’s convenient, but if it really takes an effort, it’s too much for you. Continue reading