i've filled my online dating dance card

My dance card is full again

Clark wanted to get together on Sunday but I said no. Not for lack of physical desire (sex just stokes the internal fires), but I’d had my emotional fill of cock that week. He has been pursuing me, asking when we will see each other. He is single and keen for “good pussy” (Lewis’s words).

I’m seeing him on Monday along with Lewis. Maybe with a bonus (third!) dude and the woman from before. I’d be happy to have all three men at my own disposal but perhaps that makes me greedy. Fuck it, I don’t care.

I am seeing Jake on Friday. When in my latest “screw it I’m filling all my time with girlfriends” phase I booked time to see a close friend for dinner. Jake will come over afterwards in what I’m sure will be a repeat of our last date. I’m okay with that; we’ve discussed setting another date with more time together. Continue reading

Music for men who crossed my path.

I love music. I choose it based on my mood. It is almost always playing in my house – even more so now that I have a new turntable and my Dad’s vinyl collection to discover.

The post about Andrew and that Bruno Mars song got me thinking. For some of the men who have crossed by path, there is a song I associate with them. Perhaps just for a short period of time, perhaps forever. Time will tell. The songs that remind me of Faraway Lover are still vivid memories of our time together – I’m starting to think that will never fade.

Here are the boys and their songs. If you don’t know their stories, go to my “Lovers” page. But please don’t pick apart every lyric and test the applicability…my brain doesn’t work that way.

Naked Ironing Man – “Say Something” by A Great Big World Continue reading

An awkward sex moment I can't get out of my head.

Image Note…I did a google search for “awkward sex” and stumbled upon this truly horrifying tattoo. It made me think that awkward is all relative and therefore made me feel a bit better.

I do have some story threads I haven’t followed up on yet (namely the Italian, and some other December activity that was interesting) but I just haven’t been feeling it this week.

I have been feeling the pain of a fellow blogger and the bad treatment she’s been receiving, and it got me thinking about men who will pursue you like crazy and promise to meet, but then disappear when it comes time to make plans. There are also the men who disappear after a first date where you have sex with them.

I wish I could say I knew about men who I had first dates where I didn’t have sex with them, but there aren’t many. Granted, I’m almost certain I got second dates when I wanted them. I am not willing to say it’s a guarantee, but I’m definitely pondering. Continue reading

A wee wrap-up about Andrew.

I realized I haven’t posted yet today and that would break a very long streak of posting every day. Unacceptable!

I am still sick. Now I have a new prescription for my cough which is a narcotic and makes me feel weird. I’m getting really tired of being sick. I had two events I was supposed to go to tonight, which I was really looking forward to, and I cancelled a fun party I was hosting tomorrow.

Anyway. A few hours of rumination after Andrew dumped me (if you can call it that), I realized I had some questions I wanted to ask him. So I texted him and asked him if we could talk. He said sure, after the kids were asleep. Well, Monday night didn’t happen.

Neither did Tues, or Wed. Today he said he would be free after 2:30. He called after 4.

After some meaningless chitchat, I asked him my first question – did my asking him how he felt contribute to him ending it. Short answer? Yes.

Longer answer? He felt emotional pressure, even though there was nothing specific I did. I asked for some examples. He said that I was planning way too far in advance – like hanging out at Christmas (which I NEVER asked him about…we may have talked about what he does during Christmas, since he doesn’t celebrate it) and New Years (because I mentioned it would be my first New Years free – which I guess he took as a suggestion. Little does he know I’m hanging out with J Blondie!).

So I followed up by asking if that’s why he didn’t think we could have a sex-only relationship. He said yes, that he couldn’t see the emotional pressure going away.

I explained to him that the pressure he felt came from my not knowing that he was all that into me – which I need in any relationship, even if it’s just sex. For someone with whom there is no potential of a future, I have little issue with just having sex with them. I also told him that I had drawn no conclusions about our future compatibility. But, I liked hanging out with him (he confirmed he did as well with me) and wouldn’t mind seeing him on occasion again, if he was open to it.

Now, you may think this is dumb. Perhaps it is. But in some ways, knowing exactly where I stand solves my problem. Well, at least one of them.

Oh, and that woman on FetLife? Yup, that’s his FWB. I asked him why he gave he his FetLife handle and he said that it wasn’t like he said we needed to stop talking (why FetLife would be the forum for doing so, I didn’t ask). We talked at length about the different groups he was in – I told him I felt insufficient looking at his group list and what he says he is looking for. He explained how he’d come to join the various groups. He also said he had joined 6 years ago and some of the things are no longer relevant (I presume one of these is that he’s no longer looking for ‘a slave’).

All in all, based on what he says, I believe his actions when we were “together” were really reactionary.

He also told me he is working through his own issues with emotions and intimacy. So, he’s got other shit going on.

I don’t know if I will see him again. But I feel better understanding what caused it. And it just reinforces for me that once we believe something to be true, we will see the actions that reinforce that belief and ignore those that don’t. I honest to goodness did not ask to make plans with him at Christmas and New Years, but even my talking about it had him thinking that I was dropping hints about our future.

Live and learn.

And yes, I’m now behind on writing about my list of partner characteristics and how I want to be treated, my FetLife adventures, and also the size of the dog walkers hands (hint: MASSIVE). Perhaps tomorrow 🙂

…and then sometimes, the decision is made for me.

I just hung up the phone with Andrew.

As I may have mentioned in some comments from my post last night, he had told me he was in a bad mood and would talk to me tomorrow (today). To cheer him up, I sent him a few pics of myself, and I got no response.

We chatted for a few minutes about my illness, and then I asked him if everything was okay yesterday. He said he was thinking a lot about out conversation. He said “it is not in the cards for us, and I don’t want to make a fool out of you.” Continue reading

Overthinking is a really terrible thing | Or: welcome to the dark recesses of ASV's brain

I was feeling pretty good mentally yesterday about Andrew and me. I was all chill about taking things one day at a time. I know it’s good for me to pace myself in relationships, since I don’t have a lot of experience doing so.

Yesterday, given our conversation about gang bangs and subspace and the like, I decided to join FetLife. I figured it was a good way for me to do some research and get to know more about the “scene” in my city. The terms Andrew uses are vaguely familiar to me, but I want to know more.

I joined some groups, uploaded a pic (partial face and shoulder, showing Andrew’s bite marks from the first time we were together), added a little bit of info. Today I explored some more. I knew Andrew was on the site (he told me he was, but that he wasn’t that active, but that he gets notices from the groups he’s in – some which are funny) and so I searched for a group that I thought he might be a member of.

There he was. Continue reading

I could use a good beating.

I was lying in my bed, naked but for a long sweater. It was a cardigan with only one button, so he had full access to any parts at any time. It was my compromise to the fact that he would prefer I be naked at all times.

Andrew and I had woken up, had some nice morning sex, made coffee, and were back in my room waiting for the breakfast I made (baked oatmeal with chopped walnuts) to be finished.

He was getting ready to go. He came over to the bed, leaned over, and smacked my bare ass, hard. I may have moaned a little. He did it again, and then again.

He stood up, contemplated me for a second, and said “you know, I think you might enjoy a dungeon”. Continue reading

When getting no answer is an answer unto itself

So I am writing this with a sleeping Andrew laying right beside me. His back is pressed up against my side, and he is oh so warm. Warm enough to make me uncomfortable under my duvet. I move to get my feet out from under the covers, in an attempt to regulate my temperature.

We had a lovely evening together, even though we are both sick. He gave me this cold, you see, but it hit me harder. He also has an ear infection, so we make a great pair.

He came over at 6pm and had a bit of work to get done. It was fine by me – I would rather have him in my space and working than not here at all. I had some hors d’oeuvres and he snacked and worked and we talked here and there. He would come into the kitchen and kiss me and grab my ass and I told him he was killing me and he said it was no different for him. It was a small thing, but it reassured me that he wanted me too. Continue reading

A little bit of this and that

I’m sick. I sound like Kathleen Turner, when my voice decides to grace me with its presence. The combination of a cold and sore throat, and five hours of talking above music, and two plane rides, has done me in. I feel like shit. Mentally and physically.

I am uninspired to write anything long. I need to sleep and the Faraway Lover story, while it remains unfinished, takes a level of intellect I feel I am lacking at this particular moment.

So, a couple of updates.

The highlight of the morning after the party was getting to spend an hour with one of my closest friends. She came to my hotel, coffee in hand, and we talked non stop. She hadn’t gotten an update on Johnny or Andrew and I hadn’t heard the latest about her children or marriage. We’ve made plans to see each other hopefully for a weekend in January and that will be most excellent.

Continue reading

Taking a chill pill

A few of you have asked (gently) why I’m so needy and obsessive about this Andrew dude.

It’s a good question, definitely. I haven’t lost my edge; haven’t suddenly become incapable of casual sex. I still want to fuck like a rabbit pretty much all the time.

A few things are going on. If you’ve been with me for the last couple of months you know I am now a single parent. I had surgery which messes with my hormones. I also experienced a spectacular and kinda public breakup, with significant anger directed my way, which has left me grieving the loss on several levels.

One of the biggest problems I have today however is my lack of free time. I adore my son, but I really enjoyed having every other week free for the first year. A big goal of mine post-split was reestablishing friendships I had let go. I am really resenting that I can’t do it anymore. Continue reading