My first breakup by text.

I wrote recently about how Alan’s persistence and being so nice to me when last over at my place made it difficult for me to tell him it was over between us.

The day after his visit, he sent me a series of texts about wanting to go on a trip with me. It was a long list of random places he wanted to go. He said he wanted to travel with me. He thought I would have a good sense of where to go, how to get there or find out, that I wasn’t scared to see and try things.  Continue reading

It’s hard to break up with a man when he’s being nice to you.

So, Alan.

He had been so insistent about coming to visit me and wanting to take care of me for a couple of days, I didn’t feel comfortable saying no. But I knew things weren’t going to continue as they had.

The prior several weeks I’d realized no men got me emotionally excited, and I started to feel perhaps I would be fine just letting him go.  Continue reading

Alan’s near demise

I’ve finally cured myself of my tendency to over-think everything. While I’ve had plenty male experiences to keep my mind occupied in the last few months, one thing I haven’t done is go down any rabbit holes of what-could-be and what-if.

It’s rather refreshing, frankly.

With Alan, while there were some things that concerned me about our potential compatibility, I decided to just let things play out. And play out, they have. Continue reading

Coming up for air with Christmas cock

My head is finally starting to clear.

It was three weeks ago tomorrow when I broke my leg, and I’ve left my house only twice since. Once to go to a holiday concert at my son’s school (the day after I came home from the hospital; still not sure how I managed), and once to go to my Mom’s for Christmas eve and morning.

It feels like a blur. I can hardly believe it’s been three weeks; it seems like a long weekend. But the hospital stay, after-effects of surgery, taking Oxycontin as a painkiller, and the monotony of laying on my couch every single day and watching TV or movies probably have something to do with that.

Continue reading

Alan, Lewis, Clark, Todd, plus one.

I’ve had a busy week. I’m writing this on a plane, having had just 4 hours of sleep last night, but boy was it worth it.

My life is normal to me, because it’s mine. But sometimes I see myself through the eyes of others, and I think – whoa. I have been in the arms of five different men in the last 7 days. None were new to me. Two were at the same time. One I didn’t have penetrative sex with. But still.

You know what? It was awesome.

I saw Alan and it felt like a repeat of earlier dates. Nothing new to discuss.

But Lewis and Clark both came over during the week and sweet holy heck was it amazing. Sometimes threesomes can be repetitive – being “spit roasted” (sucking one while fucking the other) and literally just switching from one end of the bed to the other. Continue reading

Alan is still in the picture.

It may have sounded from my last post that I’d fired all the men in my life. Not true.

While I’m not overwhelmingly excited about anything at the moment, those I’m still engaging with do provide some pleasure. And some is better than none, right?

I haven’t seen Leo since the date I wrote about. Partly because of bad timing on both our parts, but also because he doesn’t take priority. He’s lovely, and patient. I don’t want to take advantage of that. But I saw other lovers the last week I was free. The next week I’m free I’m seeing Alan one night, girlfriends the next, Clark the night after, and then I’m away on business, returning the day I get my child again for the week.

It’s easy to not stress about dating when I have a few nights alone which I welcome, a busy social calendar with friends and family, a couple of casual lovers, and a couple of romantic men willing to take whatever spare time I have. Right now I need alone time more than another date. Continue reading

Just not feeling it.

I’m hard pressed to think any man could get my emotional fires burning right now.

Not even Kyle, who I am trying to exorcise but who still surfaces in my thoughts on a regular basis.

Not even Tony, in the never-going-to-happen scenario of his coming to me, divorce papers in hand.

So certainly not Alan or Leo, who are lovely and kind and persistent but not annoyingly so. Alan heard me loud and clear when I told him I need to go slow and I wasn’t ready to be exclusive. He still sends long texts about how he’s going to persist and “wear me down”. Could be creepy in another context but so far it hasn’t weirded me out – too much. Continue reading

An uncomfortable conversation with Alan.

I will apologize again for my current need to write – and edit – posts on my phone. The app does a shit job of linking to past posts (so I don’t bother), I can’t see the flow of the post, it takes forever to write, etc.

Normally I go back a few days later to clean things up; I just haven’t had the chance yet. My home computer decided it was tired of connecting to the internet.

On to Alan. Continue reading

Broke the silence & an uncomfortable conversation

Once my home computer’s ability to connect to the internet again I will reset my Tony timer. I could make an intellectual argument about intent and therefore it shouldn’t count blah blah, but why bother.

I was texting with Hy and mentioned ruminating about asking him to block me on Instagram – his account and Mary’s, if he could.

She said “just text him RIGHT NOW and ask”. Knowing he’d promised I would be unblocked, but that she could see his phone, I wanted to send a very neutral message. I simply said “I need a favor; can you let me know when you have a free minute. I will be available after 6pm.” I was heading to a session with my personal trainer and I didn’t want to talk myself back out of it.

Why did I ask? Continue reading

Alan breaks the 5-minute barrier by a long shot

While I’m doing a great job not getting ahead of myself with Alan – or writing him off too fast – I will admit I was a wee bit worried sex with him was going to be unsatisfying.

While I’m hardly the model of athleticism (despite some new muscles gained from 6 months of twice-weekly visits to my trainer) I can fuck like a demon. I can only think of a few men who made me beg for no more sex. And that includes a fair number much younger than I.

If sex had prizes, I’m told I would win “best rider” and “most insatiable”. I have no idea whether the men who said it were genuine, and I don’t particularly care. I mention it only to demonstrate that despite any extra padding around my middle and my ass, I’m a champion fucker. Continue reading