If I keep writing the sad and angry posts y’all might get the impression there was nothing good about my vacation with Tony. But that wasn’t the case.
One night, sitting by the ocean in the light of the sunset, he looked at me and told me how beautiful I was; even more than usual by the light of the sunset and in the Caribbean breeze. He’s never been particularly romantic, but I got some romance the five days we were together.
He was affectionate. He’d reach over from the deck chair or across the bed just to touch me, squeeze my hand, kiss my cheek or run his fingers through my hair. He got me so many drinks one bartender nicknamed him “the butler”. He said “good morning gorgeous”. Of course there was all the sex; three or four times a day, every day. Continue reading →
Tony and I had made tentative plans for him to join me at a friends art gallery where there was an artist opening. But I knew it was unlikely given what he had said the day before.
It was okay, although it would have been nice for him to join me. I had seen him that morning for coffee and a kiss. I was going to go to the show either way. I am getting better about going ahead and making plans that work for me, and if he can fit it, great.
I rushed home from work to get changed. Unable to get a taxi, I ended up driving. Tony sent me a text saying he wasn’t feeling well – stressed and tired – and wasn’t going to join me. We texted back and forth a bit while I was on my way (for what it’s worth, only at stop lights).
I was having a great time. Tony later sent a text saying he was feeling better.
And in hindsight I realize that’s when my mental trouble started: I presumed it meant I would perhaps see him later. Continue reading →
I went to my locker to get changed. Not into the dress and heels I brought, but a dress – if you could call it that – given to me by someone at the club. It was essentially a bunch of string woven into a cool and very revealing pattern.
While I am definitely into sex, and feeling sexy, I have never been one to wear anything particularly revealing or what could be called slutty. This “dress” was the epitome of slutty. And I mean that in a very positive way.
So getting dressed was a rather quick affair. Arrange the outfit over my body. Ignore my underwear and shoes. Leave. Continue reading →
We messaged back and forth a little bit. At one point he asked if he was too slutty for me. I told him no, that my own sluttiness was hampered only by opportunity. Which I actually think is true – although I do have some standards.
He said things like: “I would prefer to have one partner as well, with whom I have a strong connection. The problem though, in my experience, is that after six months or so of serious dating, when a woman starts to fall hard for me, she typically wants to put the swinging on hold. I sort of get it. Watching a guy you merely like fuck another person is kind of fun. Watching someone you LOVE do it… well, that is hard for some.” Continue reading →
Be patient with me as I try to recount some of the craziness of my last few months. I have stories in my proverbial pipeline but will definitely switch from past to present and back again. There is just so much to deal with in my brain…boys, my ex, my son, sex. Trying to figure out what I want. Who I want. What behaviour provides more pleasure than pain. I definitely don’t have it sorted yet.
One thing I’ve been very good at sticking with is my rule that there is NO WAY I will spend time with anyone married or in a relationship. There have been several men who have reached out to me since I became single, and I say no. Although admittedly there were some that I communicated with a bit online on dating sites, and on the rare occasion, also texted. But the experience with “Mr Married” really ended all of that for good.
He was super flirty online. Not openly married but it eventually came out in our discussions. I said thanks but no thanks. He thought it was still an invitation. I said, no, really, I don’t want to come second and certainly don’t want to fall for someone who is in a relationship. It won’t end well for me. He kept at me. I kept saying no. He’s got a wife he doesn’t have sex with, three little kids. He tells me about his sexual history with her and how they used to be quite naughty. But now there is no sex and now he feels like he can’t talk to her anymore, can’t tell her about the things he wants to do. This feels like a total copout to me. I’ve now talked to enough married men who complain about their sex lives (being non-existent) and when I ask them if it was always that way, they say no. One guy told me his wife is just non-sexual. When I asked if she’d always been that way – of course the answer was no. And when I asked if there was any chance she was also stepping out on him, he said there was NO WAY. He’s convinced it’s only he who is unsatisfied. I suggested that perhaps he also didn’t float her sexual boat and he looked at me like I was insane. I didn’t tell him I spoke from experience. My ex once accused me of being frigid. When I told this to a lover who told me I was insatiable, he thought I was kidding.
But anyway, back to this dude. We chatted over the course of a couple of weeks. Finally I agreed to talk to him. In hindsight I’m not sure why. Probably because I was feeling lonely. I certainly didn’t want to have sex with him and I told him as much. I hate to admit this but we agreed to meet at my place. It’s only the second time I’d done that – I know it’s stupid. So this guy shows up and I open my front door and the next thing I know, he’s got his tongue in my mouth and he’s a HORRIBLE kisser. Like a lizard with his tongue darting in and out. I say “what are you doing?” and he says “I know this is what you want, baby”, and I say “nope, actually it’s not”.
So we end up talking on my couch in my living room and it’s like I’m a fucking counsellor to this guy who pours out his whole story of his marriage, relationship, his kinky submissive wife, and their lack of communication. I encourage him to actually try to get back what they lost, tell his wife what he wants, stop chasing after women on dating sites until he does this. I did note that he didn’t get back online on that site for a week. Perhaps that’s all the trying he thought he could do.
I think it’s a sign when your husband tells you he doesn’t mind if you sleep with other men if it will satisfy you and make you happier. On the condition that he doesn’t know about it ever and he doesn’t see or feel anything different in our relationship.
This is announced to me one day after watching the movie “Hall Pass”.
It takes me several months to believe that he’s telling me the truth…we have many conversations about this in different ways…I triangulate his responses to see if he changes them. He doesn’t. And it takes a while to get my head around whether that will work for me. Being essentially sexless for so long…how can I make it work? How can I get over my belief that sex outside a marriage is wrong? Continue reading →