The reason Tony and I can’t be friends.

If you haven’t read about the recent “developments” with Tony, you can start with this post.

I know I’ve said it many times: this blog is extraordinarily helpful for sorting out my crap. I was in a good place with Tony, because I’d blocked him for weeks, successfully. I missed him but it was abstract, and I didn’t feel a pull to reach out or reconnect. When I unblocked him, I experimented with what it was like to be completely reactive – I let him call or text.

It was very minimal contact. It was platonic.

It was a fucking slippery slope.  Continue reading

Welcome to the shit show.

Previous Post

I hated how much the whole thing with Tony consumed my thoughts. Wondering what happened, how she found out, what their decision was (if any), and what was next.

I knew I may never get an answer. I knew the bulk of my interest was intellectual curiosity. Maybe most importantly, I knew that no contact with him was best for me. I wasn’t tortured at the thought of not talking to him regularly.

I was more upset with myself, at the time and emotional effort I’ve spent the last month or two seeing whether I could meet his need for us to remain friends. It wasn’t going to work, I’ve known it for a long time, but I tried anyway.  Continue reading

Tony got BUSTED, part 2

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Tony and I have had two short conversations about his again-wife finding out about us (side note: yes, she’s his wife, again. I’m honestly afraid if I just call her his “wife” I’m going to get trolled like crazy, and the truth is they were separated when I met him).

In the first discussion, he told me she’d found out about Jamaica. I was confused because it seemed an odd “discovery” at this time, 14 months ago after we went. I asked how it was possible that us seeing each other after the sports game could possibly have led to that.

He was vague. He said “Ann, I don’t want to relive it again right now. There was a lot of screaming and crying.” Continue reading

Tony got BUSTED

I haven’t been writing much about Tony these last many weeks, mostly because there isn’t much to say. I blocked him for a while to help myself break old patterns, then when I unblocked him he started calling.

I answered the phone when he called, and found our conversations frustrating – not because of anything he did wrong. I couldn’t find a happy medium where I could be his friend in a way meaningful to me. If he told me anything about the crap in his marriage, I would get (internally) frustrated because I thought he should be trying. Conversely, if he said something was going well, it hurt.

And bottom line is, despite all of his failings, he’s doing stuff with his again-wife and child that I wanted the opportunity to do. Continue reading

I can still get really angry – at Tony

I am writing this post fresh. Freshly angry. Apologies in advance for a lack of editing and shitty structure.

You’ll surely recall he (Tony) fucked me on Christmas eve, in the midst of family-oriented errands. He was fully ensconced in family time for Christmas and days afterwards. So naturally, he didn’t reach out. I am not part of that part of his life.

Which honestly down to my core was just fine – because it helped me put more nails in the coffin of what was left of our relationship.

It boils down to this: Continue reading

won't be part of his deception

I won’t be an actor in a play filled with lies

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For the first time ever, Tony told me he loved me. Despite some of you thinking it was manipulative, it seemed to me to be said more from surprise and compassion. I’d suspected for a long time he did love me, but it was wonderful to finally hear it.

Even if it was too late, and wouldn’t change a thing.

I punched him in the chest and say “you ass, why didn’t you ever tell me that before?”

He just looked at me blankly and said “I dunno Ann. Because I’m a guy? But I do love you.”

Continue reading

FetLife Flounder No. 2 | Oops, I'm Married

So, FetLife.

Soon after I heard from the Cynic-Hater, I got a message from guy whose avatar is him having anal sex with another man.

We messaged back and forth a little bit. At one point he asked if he was too slutty for me. I told him no, that my own sluttiness was hampered only by opportunity. Which I actually think is true – although I do have some standards.

He said things like: “I would prefer to have one partner as well, with whom I have a strong connection. The problem though, in my experience, is that after six months or so of serious dating, when a woman starts to fall hard for me, she typically wants to put the swinging on hold. I sort of get it. Watching a guy you merely like fuck another person is kind of fun. Watching someone you LOVE do it… well, that is hard for some.” Continue reading

Mr Married

Be patient with me as I try to recount some of the craziness of my last few months.  I have stories in my proverbial pipeline but will definitely switch from past to present and back again.  There is just so much to deal with in my brain…boys, my ex, my son, sex.  Trying to figure out what I want.  Who I want.  What behaviour provides more pleasure than pain.  I definitely don’t have it sorted yet.

One thing I’ve been very good at sticking with is my rule that there is NO WAY I will spend time with anyone married or in a relationship.  There have been several men who have reached out to me since I became single, and I say no.  Although admittedly there were some that I communicated with a bit online on dating sites, and on the rare occasion, also texted.  But the experience with “Mr Married” really ended all of that for good.

He was super flirty online.  Not openly married but it eventually came out in our discussions.  I said thanks but no thanks.  He thought it was still an invitation.  I said, no, really, I don’t want to come second and certainly don’t want to fall for someone who is in a relationship.  It won’t end well for me.  He kept at me.  I kept saying no.  He’s got a wife he doesn’t have sex with, three little kids.  He tells me about his sexual history with her and how they used to be quite naughty.  But now there is no sex and now he feels like he can’t talk to her anymore, can’t tell her about the things he wants to do.  This feels like a total copout to me.  I’ve now talked to enough married men who complain about their sex lives (being non-existent) and when I ask them if it was always that way, they say no.  One guy told me his wife is just non-sexual.  When I asked if she’d always been that way – of course the answer was no. And when I asked if there was any chance she was also stepping out on him, he said there was NO WAY.  He’s convinced it’s only he who is unsatisfied.  I suggested that perhaps he also didn’t float her sexual boat and he looked at me like I was insane.  I didn’t tell him I spoke from experience.  My ex once accused me of being frigid.  When I told this to a lover who told me I was insatiable, he thought I was kidding.

But anyway, back to this dude.  We chatted over the course of a couple of weeks.  Finally I agreed to talk to him.  In hindsight I’m not sure why.  Probably because I was feeling lonely.  I certainly didn’t want to have sex with him and I told him as much.  I hate to admit this but we agreed to meet at my place.  It’s only the second time I’d done that – I know it’s stupid.  So this guy shows up and I open my front door and the next thing I know, he’s got his tongue in my mouth and he’s a HORRIBLE kisser.  Like a lizard with his tongue darting in and out.  I say “what are you doing?” and he says “I know this is what you want, baby”, and I say “nope, actually it’s not”.

So we end up talking on my couch in my living room and it’s like I’m a fucking counsellor to this guy who pours out his whole story of his marriage, relationship, his kinky submissive wife, and their lack of communication.  I encourage him to actually try to get back what they lost, tell his wife what he wants, stop chasing after women on dating sites until he does this.  I did note that he didn’t get back online on that site for a week.  Perhaps that’s all the trying he thought he could do.

Interesting Esquire.com article

Advice from a 98-year old divorcee…

http://www.esquire.com/women/advice-98-year-old