The Tony Saga | Links to my last three posts

Obviously I was posting challenged yesterday. I wrote the last of the mini saga (is it a saga when it’s only three posts?) yesterday then managed to post it for twelve hours earlier. I changed it but now it’s not showing up in my reader so who knows.

Anyway, here are the links to the three posts I put up yesterday about Tony. The timeline of these spans a week. There are some really awesome things I have to write about that also happened in that timeframe (a sex club visit, consensual beating, a couple new first dates), but those will come.

As soon as my little fingers can get across the keyboard.

1) My post-coital let down from Lewis and reaching out to Tony

2) Talking to him and making a decision whether to see him. 

3) Wrapping things up, yet again. 

Arranging a threesome with my boyfriend. 

No, that’s not fraught with danger.

When I finally agreed to be exclusive with Fox (we had the exclusivity conversation twice), I had one condition: that he be open to occasionally playing with others, together. He accepted that condition with some reservations.

He was worried first about how often I might want it. When I reassured him it was probably a once every couple of months thing, if that, he felt better.

But then, a more serious issue surfaced – what if he tried it and couldn’t perform, or it really bothered him? He was (is?) worried I may not want to continue dating him. Continue reading

The 48-hour aftermath 

Breakups always suck, but the amount of suckage is relative. I don’t feel like that’s a particularly profound statement but it’s what I’ve got for you right now.

As my breakup with Tony goes, it’s a doozy.

It’s not so much that I doubt the decision we made (and yes, it was we; I knew deep down what was likely to happen when I drew my line in the sand). I’m at peace with the decision and I am relieved to not have that awful feeling of mistrust and unsatisfied yearning of my heart.

What makes me sad is the loss of him as part of my day-to-day life. What has me sobbing is the losing one of the strongest connections I’ve ever had with a man.  Continue reading

I tried to sweat, talk, and fuck him out of my system.

I’ve written a few times that my weight is higher than I want – and not in a vague “oh gee I should weigh less” way, but a “jeez NONE of my suits fit” way. A practical and financial dilemma as my entire wardrobe was literally downsized when my weight went down a couple of years ago and remained stable.

I started seeing a trainer in late November and he made it hard for me to function courtesy of his short but all-body workouts on a torture device called the TRX. Sometimes I can barely lift my arms to wash my hair afterwards.

I started to also go to the gym on my own to get on the treadmill. Once before Christmas, and a couple of times afterwards. My Mom got me a basic Fitbit for Christmas which has been great to know how much of a slug I usually am. I’m starting a new project at work and am in a slight lull this week and decided to get my ass into the gym. I have plans every day but there is no reason I can’t go after work for a little bit. It’s better than going home and drowning my sorrows in alcohol and left over holiday treats. Continue reading

How does this happen so quickly, and talking to Tony.

This happens enough that I wonder if there’s some truth to an ability to just “put things out into the universe”. I won’t profess to know either way, but it does make for fun blog posts if nothing else. I can think of at least three past blog posts similar to this one.

Last week, the day I had my morning talk with Tony, I heard from none other than the Comedian. He’d gone silent in the early summer after a string of romantic and sweet messages to me. I figured he had a girlfriend and just couldn’t figure out how to stay in touch as friends.  Continue reading

Opening my OK Cupid profile is not a sign I’m damaged.

In a recent post I made a one-off comment about reopening my OK Cupid profile.

The act was not some admission or proof of my being desperate for a boyfriend or needing someone in my life who gently tucks my hair behind an ear and holds it tightly when he takes me from behind.

I’m good at listening to my gut (even when I choose to ignore it, I usually know what it’s saying). There is no desperation or pull of neediness. My self esteem is not damaged by what happened with Fox or Tony.

On the contrary, I feel fucking awesome about being able to stand up for what I needed in both relationships. Continue reading

When to focus on just one person & am I on the rebound?

Sevag (aka HWSNBN – read this to see what I’m talking about) and I agree on a lot. It’s not surprising; the OK Cupid match statistics revealed our “technical” 99% match based on attitudes, beliefs, desires.

One thing he told me (and it was like hearing my own words in someone else’s mouth) was he found online dating addictive. Always wondering what / who else is out there, even when you are communicating with good people. He also told me after meeting me he lost all interest in communicating with anyone else; the first time it’s ever happened for him.

I told him the truth; I had been exclusively reactive since going online, and even then responded to just a few men on the site. Only one other was someone new; the other two were former lovers who wanted to reconnect. Continue reading

F*cking Lewis and Clark | An MFM Story

Lewis and I have kept up infrequent contact since I reached out to him after Chapter Two ended with Tony.

He went on a long string of daily gif texts – all MFM threesomes with two black men and a white woman, usually blonde. Sometimes many black men with one woman. All in all it was hot, but sometimes disconcerting to receive in the middle of a meeting when I’m playing corporate Barbie.

He arranged for us to get together with another couple but I cancelled it – I simply wasn’t up to those kinds of shenanigans at the time. I took a rain check.A second time we arranged for an MFM, the second gentleman, Clark, cancelled. I actually can’t remember if Lewis and I got together anyway. I know I’ve seen him a couple of times at least since things ended with Tony. Continue reading

stand up interracial sex in my kitchen

A good kitchen f*ck

We hadn’t seen each other since the night of the fantastic MFM threesome.

He has been relatively silent and when I inquired as to the reason for his absence, he attributed it to busy weekends with his daughter and a busier than normal work schedule.

He said that last time and then disappeared completely, so I was somewhat skeptical. The difference this time is although on the surface he’s a man I could actually date, we are clearly only fucking each other, so it’s no issue for me to send a text here and there. I’m okay being an equal partner in moving things forward, when the result is getting laid by Lewis. Continue reading

i quit online dating

I didn’t even last a week online dating.

It has been over a month after the final blowout with He Who Shall Not be Named. While I feel different and very tentative about dating, earlier this week I thought why not just open up my dating profiles again and see what happens.

The last time, I met someone who seemed awesome pretty quickly. Given my dating rules, online dating doesn’t take up much time or energy. It’s pretty low stress. I know we had debates here whether I was ready, but it wasn’t a big deal to me.

Continue reading