plenty of shit has me depressed

I’m trying to avoid being buried by the bullshit

I know I’ve not written at my usual pace. It’s not that I don’t have posts swirling around in my head. There are far too many words to write.

I am working on the next post about Ian. It’s a doozy. But I needed to step away from that to just dump the other shit I’m dealing with out on a page.

First shit? Will, my ex-husband.

He wanted to move to the other side of the world again. Some of you may remember he moved away a year after he and I split up and was gone for ten months, leaving me as a single parent to an angry little boy. It was during that time I met Tony. Continue reading

my lovers and relationships

How to split up friends when you split up.

At the time my husband Will and I split up, he had two close male friends. One he’d known since they were pre-teens in school and the other, he’d met through work. I liked both of their wives and the six of us had the occasional dinner with or without our children (who were all in the same age range). So what happened after our “good divorce”?

I was the social convener: other than the occasional email the men might exchange, the women were the ones who made sure plans were executed.

Since Will and I had an amicable divorce, it wasn’t particularly stressful for these friends to keep in touch with me. At least, not from my perspective. For the last two years, I’ve seen the women every few months. The “work wife” and I see each other only at these dinners. The “school wife” and I are good friends; she was my travel partner on my recent trip and I see her one-on-one as well.  Continue reading

The fading away and return of Faraway Lover

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Trying so damn hard to say goodbye to each other (FL 8)

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Two years ago | Yet another sign.

Some dates will always stick in my head. My wedding date. The day Will and I decided our marriage was over, and the day I moved out.

I moved out just over two years ago. I didn’t note the anniversary because I am on vacation and didn’t know the date. Which is an awesome thing.

But here’s what I found amazing.  Continue reading

I have a therapist and a lawyer. And some real insights.

Does having a therapist and a lawyer make me a real grown-up?

Will and I had our wills and power of attorney done just before we split. And although it’s not as if my divorce hasn’t felt final (our marriage was over before we made the decision, and we both moved on very quickly) there are things that really make it over.

While the piece of paper that formally dissolves a marriage sets the stage, there is nothing like saying “you are no longer the most significant adult in my life” by updating your will, the beneficiary of your life insurance and assets, and your power of attorney over your finances. I think those things are the actual final curtain on a relationship.

I am moving even further away from my marriage, which I didn’t realize was possible.

One thing I retained, however, is Will as the power of attorney over my “personal care”. This is the person that makes the decision whether to pull the plug, basically.  While I trust my Mom more than anyone else in the entire world, I just don’t think she could do it.  So perhaps we are still taking curtain calls in the stage play of our relationship.

While I picked the lawyer in the first place, now it feels like she’s really mine.

And now I can also add a therapist to the people supporting me in life.

Yes, contemplated for a while, urged on by my Mother, and timed with a full preventative and holistic health and wellness assessment, I agreed to meet a Clinical Psychotherapist. We have had two sessions so far. Another is booked for after my no-contact deadline with Tony.

And yes, she knows about this blog and has the link. How else for someone to really get to know me and my story – and for me to ensure I don’t hold anything back? Scary, I know. But the right thing.

(Hi, Doc!)

The core thing I wanted to address with her was a better understanding of how the relationship with my father could impact my actions, and how to break any patterns of behaviour that aren’t good for me. For example, staying in a relationship with someone who has characteristics I like but is emotionally unavailable.

Sound familiar?

Hello, Tony. Hello, Will. Hello, Daddy.

While my father has grown on this front and I now know without a doubt how much he loves me and is proud of me, growing up I never felt good enough. Never felt unconditional love from him.

On the one hand, a drive to constantly improve and satisfy has contributed to my business success. Much has been written about the insecurities and “impostor syndrome” of CEOs. It’s fascinating.

On the other hand,  I seem to have a thing for men like my Dad. Not a surprise. I like men who are highly intelligent, quick-witted, funny, gregarious, curious, communicative, and passionate. But, my most significant relationships were with men who were also self-centered, perhaps narcissistic, hard to please, controlling, and demanding. Ultimately, not providing me with the emotional support I need.

I believe I have to embrace the past and the experiences that got me where I am today. I understand that my relationship with my father, and his characteristics, are both positive and negative forces on my life. I am not the kind of person to remain in stasis, blaming others for my psychological lot in life, and not ever moving forward. Oh, and that characteristic? Definitely my father’s.

What I do want to continue to do, however, is make good choices. Break patterns. And I’m happy to say, I’m doing this. It feels great.

Those of you who have read my early dating stories know quite well I put up with a lot of douchbag behaviour. My primary focus was getting my mojo back, finding my groove, and feeling desired. I also had to learn a lot about dating and relationships again. But ultimately, what I can do at 41 which I couldn’t do at 16, is know that men and how they treat me does not define my self-worth. It does not define my attractiveness, and it does not have to be on their terms.

I now choose what I’m going to put up with.

For example, if I fuck Shenanigans, it’s because I feel like it. Not because his presence makes me feel more valued. Not because I’m craving male attention. As I said in a comment, I’d have to be really bored, and really horny. The latter is pretty much a constant, and I’m not seeing boredom in my near future.

I used to worry my sexual adventures were driven by a need for male attention and acceptance. It was probably true when I was 16, and while there may always be a piece of me that’s driven by it, I know what’s in my heart and mind right now and can honestly say it’s not there.

I’m simply, very very sexual. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.


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My second post | My sexual reawakening

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I have an answer to one of my unknowns.

As I wrote recently, I currently have three big unknowns in my life, causing considerable stress.  Late Tuesday night, one of the three were resolved.

I was at my friends country place. My phone was connected to the stereo system to listen to music; as such, I didn’t check my email or text messages until I went to bed.

I had a text from Will: “Can you call me?” Continue reading

The beginning of the end of both my relationships (FL 7)

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It was really good, before it got bad (FL 6)

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