He wanted to move to the other side of the world again. Some of you may remember he moved away a year after he and I split up and was gone for ten months, leaving me as a single parent to an angry little boy. It was during that time I met Tony. Continue reading →
My grandmother tracked everything. Who needs an app to track when you have sex? She certainly didn’t.
Unfortunately, my Grandmother died when I was only 17. She was 77, a few years older than my Mother is today. Complaining of fatigue for months, her family doctor prescribed more and more medication. By the time she was hospitalized, her cancer was inoperable and she had mere months to live.
But this post isn’t about the failure of her doctor or her death; it’s about her sex life. Continue reading →
I have consistently used my non-child weeks for lots of things: working late, going to the gym, going out with friends, dates. Sometimes lots of dates, but not lately.
This week I planned absolutely nothing except a brief after work meeting with two colleagues.
It wasn’t all deliberate – I usually plan a couple of weeks in advance, especially since most of my girlfriends have busy life and work schedule and we all need advance planning, but I have been traveling each of the last three child-free weeks. I had planned things for me and the kid, but not much else. Continue reading →
I’ve been thinking a lot about intimacy. How we build it, and what happens when its destroyed. How we simultaneously can want it, and shrink from it.
It can be fucking terrifying, yet freeing.
Many people were surprised I would spend a weekend away with someone so early in our relationship. I wanted to see what it would be like. What he was like, and what we were like together. It’s hard to be only on your best behavior for four days. And given his early declarations of love for me, I was very keen to suss out whether my gut was wrong: could he actually be needy and in love with love? Continue reading →
I’ve written a few times that my weight is higher than I want – and not in a vague “oh gee I should weigh less” way, but a “jeez NONE of my suits fit” way. A practical and financial dilemma as my entire wardrobe was literally downsized when my weight went down a couple of years ago and remained stable.
I started seeing a trainer in late November and he made it hard for me to function courtesy of his short but all-body workouts on a torture device called the TRX. Sometimes I can barely lift my arms to wash my hair afterwards.
I started to also go to the gym on my own to get on the treadmill. Once before Christmas, and a couple of times afterwards. My Mom got me a basic Fitbit for Christmas which has been great to know how much of a slug I usually am. I’m starting a new project at work and am in a slight lull this week and decided to get my ass into the gym. I have plans every day but there is no reason I can’t go after work for a little bit. It’s better than going home and drowning my sorrows in alcohol and left over holiday treats. Continue reading →
And in other news, I’m only starting to feel like myself again. This illness kicked the crap out of me the last week. I’ve seen Tony just once but we’ve talked on the phone every day. I’m not sure my head is in a much better place, in fact I’d still say I’m morose, since he told me yet again he’s not 100% sure he’s not going to go back to his ex. While I don’t want to read into it, it does help explain why he doesn’t like “labels” like “exclusive” or “boyfriend” because those show a commitment he can’t quite make. It definitely helps me explain why I haven’t met his son. Etcetera.
And there’s no vacation set yet. He asked his ex (I’m sure he didn’t say he was going with a GIRLFRIEND) and she wasn’t “all that receptive” to him being gone for five days. So looks like I’m at her mercy in more ways than one. He insists he wants to go away with me. It’s not personal.
I don’t want to write about it. I don’t want to think about it. But the record keeps playing in my head.
At the time my husband Will and I split up, he had two close male friends. One he’d known since they were pre-teens in school and the other, he’d met through work. I liked both of their wives and the six of us had the occasional dinner with or without our children (who were all in the same age range). So what happened after our “good divorce”?
I was the social convener: other than the occasional email the men might exchange, the women were the ones who made sure plans were executed.
Since Will and I had an amicable divorce, it wasn’t particularly stressful for these friends to keep in touch with me. At least, not from my perspective. For the last two years, I’ve seen the women every few months. The “work wife” and I see each other only at these dinners. The “school wife” and I are good friends; she was my travel partner on my recent trip and I see her one-on-one as well. Continue reading →
I’ve been reading the Winnie the Pooh stories to my son Liam. He’s enjoyed them even though he thought they were for younger children. One of my favorite phrases (lost on the child, no doubt), is when Milne refers to Rabbit’s “friends and relations”, who are often present.
Tony coming back into my life has got me thinking (no shit, many of you will say) about my life and what I need in it. Tony and Fox couldn’t be more different men. I had all the lovely things with Fox and it felt wonderful. It was nice to be treated so well and have no doubt about how a man felt about me. It was intoxicating to think about having someone in my life as a partner and lover – someone who wanted to fully integrate into my world. Continue reading →
I write this from a deck chair, in my bikini, hat, and sunglasses, overlooking meadow and water. I’m two days into a two-week vacation with Liam. One of the things I’ve most enjoyed about being single is I can plan whatever vacation time I want. I rented a house on the ocean and it’s been bliss so far. I’m working on my bikini tan lines and getting used to having my middle exposed to the sun and the world (here, the world is defined as some cattle who are on the property next door, some seagulls, and a weathered old woman neighbor).
I booked this trip when Will was still away, so asking for two weeks solid with his child wasn’t an issue. Now that he’s back, I have Liam these two weeks, and the last two weeks of August he’ll be with his Dad. His Dad who just came back from a 10 day trip with Colleen and her two girls and their nanny but for some reason didn’t bring Liam along. It would have been a trip he could remember forever.