A wine, cheese, and fatigue inspired ramble.

I slept terribly the last few nights. Normally I’m asleep not five minutes after my head hits the pillow, and I sleep through the night. Issues with relationships fill my mind.

Last night I woke up multiple times. My head was spinning. I’m cycling through so many emotions. Being familiar with the change curve intellectually only helps me to recognize what I’m going through. It doesn’t make going through it any easier.

I think y’all have figured out I have a big brain so I won’t be modest in this moment. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have the capacity to think the way I do. It’s not always a blessing. Continue reading

Finding peace in my analytical mind.

Even when I’m super busy with work like I am right now, my brain seems to whirr in the background, trying to analyze and solve puzzles.

For example, was it really possible a reader who I don’t know in real life, could have known a man I was dating and recognized him from my writing?

Well, the answer is YES. And now I know who. Continue reading

I am vulnerable and off-kilter

In the absence of knowing exactly how I was “outed”, I feel extraordinarily vulnerable. I’ve contemplated several times this week making my blog private for a while, so I can figure out what to do.

It doesn’t help to see a comment in my spam filter which says (caps theirs): “WHEN YOU FUCK OTHER WOMENS HUSBANDS BEHIND THEIR BACKS EXPECT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS TO GET FUCKED WITH TOO”

Thanks to the reader who chose the username “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID” to leave that gem for me.  Continue reading

Denied my words: here’s my voice.

In the early summer, I recorded my ever first podcast with Ben at Tantra Punk. He reached out to ask me to talk about sex blogging and although I was incredibly nervous, I did it. Seize the day and all that.

If you’re curious, have a listen.

No, you’re not going crazy.

Edit: I removed the ability to make comments on this post. Given what was being said, it’s the kind of commentary I didn’t want my friend to have to read – one reason I didn’t post the whole story in the first place. I was angry, but I’ve moved past it. Life is too short and friendships are too valuable. I know you’ll understand.

::

Some of you may have seen a notification of a post called “Well that was a bad idea.” You’re not crazy. But it was published and taken down within a matter of minutes. It was a mistake.

It doesn’t happen often that I elect to take down posts – in fact, only twice in the history of my blog. When I was breaking up with fellow blogger Johnny Id I steadfastly refused to do anything but post it all here. We met as bloggers, he knew I wrote about everything, and I prioritized my need to keep this space as my own, with my truth, over keeping it private between us.  It was divisive and ugly.

There’s a difference between knowing the truth and seeing it shared publicly.

However, the story of Ali / Sevag / HWSNBN was removed because I was quite literally being threatened. My personal safety was in question and as much as I wanted to keep the story up, it wasn’t worth the risk.

This time, the thing that is a risk is a friendship, and ultimately, as much as I wrote a post that I think is balanced and fair, and is from my perspective, there’s a friend on the other end.

So what the fuck happened,? I met that guy for a coffee date. It was amazing: the aftermath wasn’t. Turns out I shouldn’t go on dates where there are blurred lines between the guy and one of my friends. I should have known better. So it’s done with him.

#clusterfuck

I’m recovering. Kinda.

This is going to be short. It’s late at night, I’ve had too much red wine, I’m tired, sad, and my gut hurts.

I had my gallbladder out a week ago. Those of you who follow me on Instagram would know, but I didn’t write about it. I’ve been recovering and just went back into the office today. I experienced a common after-effect of surgery – depression – which thankfully didn’t last but was disconcerting regardless.

The sadness lingers but yesterday I could finally feel it starting to lift. My middle still hurts but each day is an improvement. Bruce has been in touch most days to send me wishes that I’m feeling better. It comforts me he’s been in touch – perhaps he wasn’t lying about it not being me. He’s been consistent in that he’s not calling, not having long conversations. Which is fine. Continue reading

Am I the douchebag?

“At least I’m self-aware,” I say to my friends. But it’s no excuse, really. I’m conflicted about how to behave in the dating gray area I’m in.

I’m all about intention. Meaning, I care what someone’s intention is with me – their purpose for interacting with me and their end goal. I am dating Bruce (which I think I still call it even though I’ve only seen him once for 45 minutes in 5 weeks, yet talked on the phone almost every day) with the intention of seeing if he’s relationship material. I have told him that.

If I have sex with Lewis, it’s with no intention of developing anything deeper. He is the same. We are aligned and clear on the nature of our “relationship”. Jake and I each know we have fun together but mutually agreed we won’t ever be anything more than sex buddies. We are both cool with that. Continue reading

I put my own oxygen mask on first.

This topic has been rumbling around in my back of my head for a few years, but I didn’t know how to articulate it until now.

How do I prioritize my life? What is my life made up of? Friends, family, my child, work, and my own needs, including dating/sex.

I’ve said many times that since my split, rebuilding relationships with friends and family has been a priority. I can confidently say I’ve made it happen, and of this, I’m very proud. Continue reading

what attracts men

A depressing experiment.

I created a fake profile on Plenty of Fish. The reason was singular but it matters not. The profile served its purpose, but I experienced something completely unexpected. What attracts men, anyway?

This is one of those situations where I don’t really know what to make of what happened. It has caused me to question things I’ve told myself, and I’m curious what you think.

I created a profile of a 39 year-old woman. She was pretty but not stunning, but had a very hot body. There were four pictures on her profile. The main profile picture was her in a small bikini walking out of the ocean and smiling, in dark sunglasses. There was a closeup of her face, smiling, and two pictures of her outdoors. None were selfies and they didn’t show cleavage. Continue reading

Group sex relationship dynamics.

I find the dynamics of group sex fascinating, especially when some of the participants have ongoing “relationships”.

Lewis continues to be an excellent source of hot lovers. I’ve never really known men like him – he genuinely seems to have zero jealousy or possessiveness. Granted, while he and I have some level of affection for each other, it is 90% a sexual relationship.

But even then, in the same conditions – regular lovers over a two year period – I know few men who would willingly and continually share someone when that sharing is quite literally in their face.

But Lewis gets off on it.  Continue reading