A personal moral compass.

With all the recent judgment here – I don’t deserve Leo, it’s always wrong to lie to save someone’s feelings, how dare I play a game with him while I have lingering feelings for another, etcetera – it got me thinking about my moral compass. I don’t think I’m unique in an ability to justify my behaviors and choices. And in some cases, we believe we would never do “that thing” until we find ourselves in a similar situation.

Having a blog is a great way to keep oneself honest, assuming one is honest in the first place.

My Tony posts from a year ago spoke about my unwillingness to engage physically with him if he’s being intimate with his again-wife. Well, as was obvious from my subsequent actions, my need to say goodbye in my way, and my love for him, trumped any moral challenge with being in what at that point amounted to an affair. Continue reading

I’m popular because I made a f*ck machine

I was playing around with Google Analytics today and doing some blog maintenance. While I knew “making a sex machine” and its derivatives is often one of the top searches that gets people to my blog, I didn’t realize how often.

Over 39,000 times – since I switched to self-hosted last Spring. I know that post gets around 120 hits a day, so seems right.

It’s funny – it drives my site traffic but not engagement. People don’t hang around and read my story – they are looking for instructions.

I re-read the post today and it still makes me giggle. Because really, it’s ridiculous. The box has sat under my bed since the time I tried it. The reciprocating saw hasn’t been used. Somehow I think if I tell Leo, he’ll try it.

Here’s the post link: Making my own f*ck machine.

Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2016

Molly and Domsigns have done it again – facilitated nominations, read tons of blogs, scored them all, and published their list of top 100 sex bloggers of 2016. Huge congratulations to Ferns for winning the top spot this year!! Please check out any new blogs you’re unfamiliar with: this is all about supporting our community and sharing the love!

Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2016

1. Domme Chronicles

I will be absolutely honest with you here when I reordered the list after scoring all the sites I was not in the least bit surprised to find Ferns at the top. She was No.10 on the list last year but in my opinion her rise to the number one spot is well deserved. She has been producing fantastic content for 8+ years and her writing continues to go from strength to strength. To be quite frank not many of us can say that. Even though her kink and mine are the direct opposite of one another her exceptional work always captures my attention and I think that is a huge testament to her writing which is frank, raw, gritty, intelligent and sexy as fuck. I hope you will all join me in congratulating her on the No.1 spot.

Continue reading

Broken and high.

I broke my ankle in a completely undramatic way. Thought it was sprained but nope. Also, it needs surgery to fix it. So I’m in a hospital and have been for a couple of nights now. High on painkillers and unable to eat or drink.

Good times. All the time to write and none of the mental acuity to do so.

At least I still know what acuity means.

A social media and texting detox.

I’m not really going to stop using social media or texting, but the aftermath of the “Tony picture” incident makes me think I should make some changes.

Because we are all friends here, I will admit to looking at a few people’s Instagram feeds every day. There is Kyle (yes, still) – who I texted a while ago after (surprise!) another near-miss date, telling him I was going to go silent for a while and perhaps reach out near the December holidays. Kyle and I still follow each other on Instagram; he posts very rarely and it’s usually non-threatening (sports, a trip with his Mom, his son).

I’ve gotten better about looking at the IG “following” feed and seeing who’s stuff he’s liked or who he’s following. It’s goddamned pointless and gets me nothing except curiosity at best and hurt at worst. Continue reading

Last touch of a lover’s hand | Goodbye, Tony

Tony's Goodbye

Goodbye, Tony

Many months ago, Molly of Molly’s Daily Kiss suggested I get involved in Sinful Sunday. I haven’t been able to get my shit together to make it happen until now. Laying in my bed with Tony last weekend, in the last hour of our final goodbye, he’d fallen asleep with his hand on my breast. I captured that moment.

I still remember vividly the first time he touched me, almost two years ago. The electricity never dimmed and while it brings me to tears to think about these hands never touching me again, I will always have these moments; captured on film, or not.

Click on the lips to see who else is participating.Sinful Sunday

Things I no longer do, and other thoughts.

I got to thinking recently about personal progress. You know, life development, personal growth, progression, all that stuff. One thing about keeping a journal or writing a blog is it’s documented for us to see – if we can actually see the patterns and behaviors and identify how they’ve changed.

It actually makes me wonder whether people who aren’t self-aware keep journals. Is it possible to document your activities and behaviors and feelings and not truly see yourself? Curious.

Anyway.  Continue reading

What I think about when waiting for a lover.

On my stereo: Little Fluffy Clouds by The Orb. A trippy song I used to listen to in college. Next is Cat Power’s version of Dark End of the Street. It’s an odd mix on my phone tonight.

I’m waiting for Lewis. He was supposed to be here now but texted to say he’d be a half an hour late; his work event keeping him longer than he thought.

Sitting at my kitchen island, I’m drinking Chardonnay while unsuccessfully trying to decimate the fruit fly population. The little fuckers must have an hour long incubation period.

It’s late but the work emails are still trickling in; they never stop. Continue reading

Civility shouldn’t be rare. Or, why I almost cried twice in 24 hours.

I’m on a plane flying home from New York, where I’ve been the last several days. It was wonderful but I always look forward to getting home after too many nights in a hotel room. A breakfast of bacon, eggs, some toast and coffee should not cost $35 US.

I did not seek a debaucherous vacation, nor did debauchery find me anyway. As you know, sometimes it comes to you. I am however sporting four very large hickeys on the front of my neck, with no concealer to be found. But that’s not the reason I’m writing at the moment.

My level of patience and optimism with my dating life has been cyclical – right now I’m in a place where the lack of common decency shown by so many gets to me. It’s not just my experience, it’s those of my friends as well.  Continue reading

Six weeks of personal training

Sometimes I feel like my weight and fitness level is the remaining area of my life where I don’t have a good handle on things. I think I can write that here without eye rolling or backlash, because hopefully any of you who’ve read more than a handful of my posts know I believe I can always progress further in everything. I never sit back and say “wow hey I’m all that and anyone should be lucky to have me.” I’m not egotistical. Yuck.

I guess said another way, I’m confident about having my shit together with work and career, parenting (most days), friendships, money… so many of the things by which we tend to measure life success. I also think I can improve on those fronts. But while I am confident about how I look most days (biologically gifted with height, a decently pleasing countenance, and hair my stylist reminds me every time I see her that people pay literally hundreds of dollars to achieve), I’m not as fit as I should be. I’d like to weigh about 15 lbs less, and have a smoother ass.

As much as I have come to love my body in the last few years, its ability to feel pleasure from so many things other women struggle with (orgasms every which way – yay!), and the pleasure it gives to others… I want to be fitter. Continue reading