I’m in a weird – but good – place. 

I need to keep this quick because it’s WAY past my bedtime. 

I’m away for work again, another short stint. A conversation with a girlfriend last night got me thinking, and after dinner at her place I decided to walk home to clear my head and hopefully my sinuses. Because yeah, I got my kid’s cold. 

While my head stayed stuffed up, some things became clear.

I really like not having to answer to anyone, and am enjoying my personal freedom at the moment. I almost titled this post “I’m a raging slut” but then realized a) that’s not my core message, and b) “slut” is such a judgy word, and I’m cool with my actions. 

It occurred to me yesterday I have three casual lovers, all black, hung, and super hot, and I’m very lucky for it. They are infrequent lovers, especially Todd, but Lewis and Clark are around enough given how busy I am. 

What is so different for me now than three years ago is I am quite content with the pace of their communications. They reach out when they can and I genuinely don’t notice when it’s been a few days between texts. I’m not fussed. We know exactly what the deal is with each other, and are content with the status quo.

I also have a man who is very keen on deepening our relationship, and who so far has proven to be okay with my blog-big-reveal and the knowledge we aren’t exclusive. Leo and I have seen each other a few times in the last few weeks and it’s been nice. It’s lovely to have someone desire me the way he does. It’s good spending time with him, and I’m not expending much effort worrying about whether it will work out.

Que sera, sera.

A guy I met on Adult Friend Finder last summer (or maybe fall?) who I never ended up meeting – he cancelled a coffee date last minute – texted me out of the blue. He said he’d been travelling for the last 6 months and remembered we’d had good conversations and he asked if we could meet for a coffee.

Sure, why not? Perhaps it will happen next week, but if doesn’t, that’s okay too.

I’m not blasé about my interactions – I’ve had times before where I don’t feel much of anything – but I’m chill. I’m enjoying what’s in my direct path, and focusing on friends and family and work. 

I think that’s an okay place to be. 

Travel drama replaces man drama. 

A cousin of mine lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, and her son and mine got along famously the last time we had a family reunion. For almost two years, Liam has asked when we would visit: we chose Easter weekend.
I’ve never had such a comedy of errors while travelling, and for someone who has done a significant amount of business and personal travel, that’s saying something. Continue reading

Coming back to life.

There’s been enough drama with Leo that I haven’t written about my injury and recovery lately.

The combination of a broken bone and extensive ligament damage means it’s been a long haul. Over two months in a non weight-bearing cast, then a month in a walking boot. I have a plate and several screws in my leg and I have a beautiful 5″ scar on the outside of my ankle.

I still walk with pain and with a limp, and because of that limp I have pain in my tailbone, which fucking sucks. My ankle and foot remain swollen and it could be the same for many more months. I’ve just been diagnosed with needing two months of physiotherapy, 3-5 times a week. How I’m going to find time for that I have no idea. Continue reading

From theory to practice with Leo.

Leo and I booked a date after our big talk. A full-on dinner and activity weekend date. I was cautiously optimistic.

It was going to be a beautiful day so at the last minute we modified our plans. He came to my house just after lunch and we planned to do a day trip to a nearby wine region, visit some of the quaint towns in the area, and have dinner. If anything was going to be an issue, it wasn’t going to be our itinerary!

Continue reading

A personal moral compass.

With all the recent judgment here – I don’t deserve Leo, it’s always wrong to lie to save someone’s feelings, how dare I play a game with him while I have lingering feelings for another, etcetera – it got me thinking about my moral compass. I don’t think I’m unique in an ability to justify my behaviors and choices. And in some cases, we believe we would never do “that thing” until we find ourselves in a similar situation.

Having a blog is a great way to keep oneself honest, assuming one is honest in the first place.

My Tony posts from a year ago spoke about my unwillingness to engage physically with him if he’s being intimate with his again-wife. Well, as was obvious from my subsequent actions, my need to say goodbye in my way, and my love for him, trumped any moral challenge with being in what at that point amounted to an affair. Continue reading

I have no secrets now.

Previous Post

Leo, you’re on Facebook but not other social media, why is that?”

“I’m not very active on Facebook, Ann. I figure those people who want to know about my life will pick up the phone.”

“Yeah, I get that. What do you think about people who share a lot online?”

“Well it all depends, I think it’s attention seeking sometimes which just isn’t me. Why do you ask?”

“Have you ever looked up my profile on Facebook?” Continue reading

Two steps forward and one step back.

Previous Post

I had some decisions to make. Did I believe him? Mostly. I knew there was a chance he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, but seeing how uncomfortable he was, and the way he told me, led me to believe there was far more truth to his words than lies.

I didn’t write it all out, but I did challenge him on a number of things during our conversation. The most important for me was how it was possible he didn’t feel comfortable with me, given how open I’d been with him about my own sexuality.

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Leo laid bare.

Apparently some of you aren’t happy even when I skip to the end of my story. So from now on, you’ll get what you get 🙂

::

Leo paced back and forth between my living room and kitchen while he spoke. He was clearly uncomfortable. He drank water constantly.

He started with a statement about how he was raised to be the one who was strong and couldn’t be vulnerable. I wasn’t sure where he was going, but it was just the intro. Continue reading

Well, I wasn’t expecting that. Leo comes clean.

“Can we talk? My head has been churning all week and there is something I need to tell you.”

This from Leo, the day I left for my overnight business trip. In order to skip ahead to the good stuff, suffice it to say I agreed to hear what he had to say, and he came over to my place the evening I returned.

I was prepared for a semi-desperate attempt on Leo’s behalf to win me back or for him to argue me out of what I was feeling or wanting. And while yes, what he chose to share with me was about trying to keep me in his life, it wasn’t what I was expecting. Continue reading

Vacations are the kiss of death for my relationships.

I broke up with Leo three nights ago. I’d been writing about how I felt about him and doing my usual processing of things. I’d spoken to my Mom earlier in the week and decided I’d just see how things played out. There was no “burning platform” to break up. No crazy blog-finding (Fox) or police action (HWSNBN) or wives who found out about a relationship (Tony).

I decided to see how the next few weeks went, now that I’m finally relatively physically mobile and we could have more active dates. It had been 5 weeks without any Tony contact and I was working my way through that.

But the decision wasn’t sitting well in my brain. Continue reading