I’ve traveled to a new place.

I can’t pinpoint a specific trigger.

This built over over time, piece by piece. Moments of clarity, frustration, solitude, and heartbreak in the last four-and-a-half years have culminated in the place I am today. As someone said to me recently, we are, after all, the result of the good and bad decisions we’ve made.

Regardless how I got here, I’m here. And it’s pretty awesome.

I am, at present, without romantic yearning or expectations.

I cannot remember another time in my life when I’ve felt this way. And it’s lasted longer than I expected. I’d have to check my blog posts but I think I shut down my dating profiles in November. One site which had no activity straggled by a couple of weeks, which I don’t count.

I have zero desire to go back online. And it’s not entirely due to dating trauma – I’m not waiting it out until I feel better to try again. The difference is I’m perfectly fine not seeking.

Concentric circles are a handy way to explain the men in my life (although it applies to everyone). I have a few in the outer circles, men who come around every once in a while but aren’t in my literal inner circle.

I haven’t seen Jake for ages – for no particular reason other than he’s been busy. Lewis and I are going through a drought again. I haven’t seen him since I canceled on him a couple of weeks ago. It’s been months with Clark, although he’s cropped up again. Etcetera.

I am not bereft of male attention. Bruce is hovering around, Tony is trying to work his way into the inner circle and I’m doing my best to keep him out. Zane’s focus is elsewhere and I’m fine with that since I found him annoying on our last date. Dan (the plumber) makes noises about seeing me every now and then. I say “sure” and know it will never happen.

To be fair, I’m not sure I’d want any of them in my inner circle – in that place which means I’m on a potential relationship track. Tony is the likely exception – if he actually gets divorced I would see whether a relationship is possible with him. But – shocking for me – I’m not hopeful it will happen or will work and I’m not in a rush for either.

Would it be different if I didn’t have these guys floating around? Maybe. Although with a decrease in sex, my libido readjusts. The less I have, the less I want. The reverse is true, however – a night of great sex and I want lots more.

I have Liam every weekend for a few months. We are winter sportsing and it’s been a lot of fun. After twenty years, I got back on skis and turns out, I don’t suck. As someone who never associated with being sporty, it’s a great feeling.

I’ve taken on some new work assignments which are very exciting and very busy – but I thrive on learning and creating order from chaos. I am in my element.

I reached a financial net worth milestone which I find staggering. As uncomfortable as I am with financial conversations, I’m deeply proud of myself. As a single woman, it’s amazingly freeing to know I truly don’t need anyone else to have financial security. It also means I can actually make a lifelong dream come true – a house on the ocean. I am visiting a property this month which I hope I love (along with the inspector) because it would make me an owner of 10 acres of land and 500 feet of ocean shoreline. Can you fucking imagine? I still can’t believe it’s possible.

My nights have been quieter and I’m fine with it. The weeks I have Liam I spend time with him. The weeks I don’t, I work late, come home to eat and work more, and perhaps write a blog post. The book has taken a back seat since I don’t have enough mental space at the moment. I make time for friends and family as I always have. My priorities are in the right place.

My phone is super quiet and I’m fine with it as well.

I haven’t lost my desire to at some point have someone special in my life – someone who I consider a true partner. I haven’t lost my desire for copious and sometimes raunchy sex (you should see the last sex toy I bought – yikes!). I haven’t written off online dating as a good way to meet someone.

I’m not about to start spouting comments like “when you stop seeking happiness it will come rest on your shoulder”. I still think that’s bullshit. I have worked my ass off to get where I am today (mentally, physically, financially), and won’t stop. I am goals and action-oriented. I believe if I’m not open to risk, I won’t have the reward.

But right now, I feel light and free. And it’s fucking amazing.

29 thoughts on “I’ve traveled to a new place.

  1. It’s rather nice to see you telling your audience that you’re in a good place. I read it and smiled. In Scotland we have a saying:

    “Lang may yer lump reek”, which is something to do with chimneys, but today I think it means “long may your contentment last”

    • Thank you David! The first time I read that saying incorrectly as “rump leak” lol. I hope to never have have that issue!
      I hope I can make this last – I was romantically miserable in December and knew I had to pull my head out of my rump. I have so much to be thankful for. Including my amazingly supportive readers 🙂

  2. I’m happy to read you’re happy.
    Well done on all your achievements!

    I agree with you on working to find happiness… to a certain point, as you know 😉
    I do believe that the work we need to do is create a space for that happiness to happen. Through hard work, mentally, financially, phsyically, yes. Give ourselves the best chances of getting to where we want to get. But not “seeking” happiness per se. Follow our dreams is more the way I look at it.

    Nonetheless… I’m happy to read your happiness!

  3. I’m so happy for you Ann, financial independence is a great feeling. I sincerely hope the house on the ocean becomes a reality. Congrats

  4. Awesome. Liberating!!! Large chunks of this are me, minus the ability to ski and that I doubt I shall ever own a house let alone a house with 10 acres and it’s own piece of shoreline but I totally get where you’re coming from on most of the rest of it. Onwards and upwards, always!

  5. Wow, a nice achievement in getting your dream house and nice feeling to be content right where you are now! Enjoy it and I hope the happiness and contentment continues as you’ve had enough chaos in your life. I’m sure a great majority your readers are thinking, about time, too!

    • It’s a dream property lol… the dream house to replace the one that’s there is still several years away 🙂

      I am content, and it’s great. Maybe it’s because there’s simply less chaos right now, and it’s a nice change. It’s for sure about time!! Thank you Pam 🙂

  6. Glad to hear you are in a good place and congratulations on the beach house. Grew up near the ocean and has always been a dream of mine. Sounds like 2018 is off to a pretty great start.

  7. And this is why I read your blog.

    Bc I don’t know you, but I relate to you and you inspire me. SO much. You live life like a boss. You can be messy in one aread of your life (dating life) AND still remain focused and kicking ass in other areas of your life.

    That financial milestone. Yes. I’ve always been a drifter, with a net worth that is shamefully below what it should be with my career. Lately I’ve become annoyed with myself, and am starting to act with a certain degree of intention. I’m extremely blessed to be in a position that 30 years of silliness in no way will compromise my ability to have a beautifully comfortable life and retirement… but why not aim for that oceanfront property?? WHILE ENJOYING DANCE AND SEX.

    I read your blog because you embody what I feel is a truly liberated woman. Educated, intelligent, free, and alive.

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