I can’t pinpoint a specific trigger.
This built over over time, piece by piece. Moments of clarity, frustration, solitude, and heartbreak in the last four-and-a-half years have culminated in the place I am today. As someone said to me recently, we are, after all, the result of the good and bad decisions we’ve made.
Regardless how I got here, I’m here. And it’s pretty awesome.
I am, at present, without romantic yearning or expectations.
I cannot remember another time in my life when I’ve felt this way. And it’s lasted longer than I expected. I’d have to check my blog posts but I think I shut down my dating profiles in November. One site which had no activity straggled by a couple of weeks, which I don’t count.
I have zero desire to go back online. And it’s not entirely due to dating trauma – I’m not waiting it out until I feel better to try again. The difference is I’m perfectly fine not seeking.
Concentric circles are a handy way to explain the men in my life (although it applies to everyone). I have a few in the outer circles, men who come around every once in a while but aren’t in my literal inner circle.
I haven’t seen Jake for ages – for no particular reason other than he’s been busy. Lewis and I are going through a drought again. I haven’t seen him since I canceled on him a couple of weeks ago. It’s been months with Clark, although he’s cropped up again. Etcetera.
I am not bereft of male attention. Bruce is hovering around, Tony is trying to work his way into the inner circle and I’m doing my best to keep him out. Zane’s focus is elsewhere and I’m fine with that since I found him annoying on our last date. Dan (the plumber) makes noises about seeing me every now and then. I say “sure” and know it will never happen.
To be fair, I’m not sure I’d want any of them in my inner circle – in that place which means I’m on a potential relationship track. Tony is the likely exception – if he actually gets divorced I would see whether a relationship is possible with him. But – shocking for me – I’m not hopeful it will happen or will work and I’m not in a rush for either.
Would it be different if I didn’t have these guys floating around? Maybe. Although with a decrease in sex, my libido readjusts. The less I have, the less I want. The reverse is true, however – a night of great sex and I want lots more.
I have Liam every weekend for a few months. We are winter sportsing and it’s been a lot of fun. After twenty years, I got back on skis and turns out, I don’t suck. As someone who never associated with being sporty, it’s a great feeling.
I’ve taken on some new work assignments which are very exciting and very busy – but I thrive on learning and creating order from chaos. I am in my element.
I reached a financial net worth milestone which I find staggering. As uncomfortable as I am with financial conversations, I’m deeply proud of myself. As a single woman, it’s amazingly freeing to know I truly don’t need anyone else to have financial security. It also means I can actually make a lifelong dream come true – a house on the ocean. I am visiting a property this month which I hope I love (along with the inspector) because it would make me an owner of 10 acres of land and 500 feet of ocean shoreline. Can you fucking imagine? I still can’t believe it’s possible.
My nights have been quieter and I’m fine with it. The weeks I have Liam I spend time with him. The weeks I don’t, I work late, come home to eat and work more, and perhaps write a blog post. The book has taken a back seat since I don’t have enough mental space at the moment. I make time for friends and family as I always have. My priorities are in the right place.
My phone is super quiet and I’m fine with it as well.
I haven’t lost my desire to at some point have someone special in my life – someone who I consider a true partner. I haven’t lost my desire for copious and sometimes raunchy sex (you should see the last sex toy I bought – yikes!). I haven’t written off online dating as a good way to meet someone.
I’m not about to start spouting comments like “when you stop seeking happiness it will come rest on your shoulder”. I still think that’s bullshit. I have worked my ass off to get where I am today (mentally, physically, financially), and won’t stop. I am goals and action-oriented. I believe if I’m not open to risk, I won’t have the reward.
But right now, I feel light and free. And it’s fucking amazing.