Tuesday night: Lewis, Dan, and right decisions

I enjoyed my two weeks of vacation; I monitored my emails but didn’t really do any work. It was bliss. Until I came back to work and had to deal with the onslaught of urgent things needing to occur this month. I enjoy it, which makes a huge difference – it’s usually good stress.

Tuesday I canceled on Lewis. I worked at my desk until after 6 pm, left to go home to eat with a glass of wine and my computer at my kitchen table. He was working late as well, so we agreed to touch base around 9 pm. While I was close to wrapping up my work then, I simply didn’t feel like getting together with him. I was tired, and wanted to write.

He was fine with it, saying for sure we’d need to have a session next week. Dan replied to my Monday text reply Tuesday morning: “Good morning. Oh you must have had company last night, sorry for bothering you.”


And while yes, I did have company, I wasn’t about to say that to him… because he and I were supposed to see each other and my company wasn’t the reason I didn’t reply to him. Passive aggressive drives me bananas. And it was ridiculous he still hadn’t acknowledged anything that happened on the weekend.

Dan is on his way out.

Our subsequent text exchange solidified it for me.

I told him he was focussed on the wrong things. He said maybe we could just have fun or a friendship, then asked if I’d be open to a relationship with him if we spent more time together. He asked if I was free that night (Tuesday) or Wednesday and I said nope.

A few weeks ago, after he pestered me about my plans and I told him I was going on a dinner date with Zane, he said he thought we were on a relationship track and was out of sorts I’d be going on a date. I won’t say I was surprised, because he’s odd, but I did have a hard time understanding it.

I explained to him on the phone that given a bunch of things, I wasn’t making any kind of relationship call with him. Despite his daily contact, we’ve only seen each other a handful of times. He makes plans then flakes, regularly. He’s turned down many opportunities to see me. Of course, I’m cognizant he’s undergoing cancer treatment and I know he’s tired. But even before it started he was the same. We’ve only connected physically a few times (but when we do, it’s awesome).

I told him he rarely asks me anything about myself – hopes, dreams, plans, opinions. He’s never asked me what I want. He focusses so much on what I’m doing with others, and frankly, Lewis has never stood in the way of me deciding to be exclusive with someone.

He asks to go to sex clubs with me and we don’t even have our own strong sexual connection, months later. I haven’t been in years. I tell him all of these things. I do wonder if his brain surgery has had an affect on his memory.

Regardless the reason, he’s high maintenance. If he and I had established any kind of consistently strong connection – sexual or more – I’d understand frustration if I was stringing him along. “What’s happening with us” would then be a reasonable question.

I try really hard to see things from the others perspective – so much conflict and misunderstanding occurs when we don’t. But Dan puzzles me. He says he gets it then does the exact same thing. Over and over.

I don’t have time for this. Even if his kisses are some of the best and his hands are sublime.

12 thoughts on “Tuesday night: Lewis, Dan, and right decisions

  1. I feel him being ill probably has something to do with it. He may feel he doesn’t have time to lose on dating but it’s really too much of him to ask someone to be exclusive that simply just isn’t ready to be. If he isn’t haooy with the direction of things, he should act like an adult and say so.

  2. I avoid high maintenance. It’s draining especially when your own life is already hectic. It sounds like this is going to go round and round in circles until you break the cycle because he obviously can’t either way.

  3. Hi, Ann – I’m responding here only because of your comments that you are looking for an enduring relationship. I get it that when one divorces, hot sex with just about anybody, from wonderful people to not so wonderful people, is awesome. I’ve been there. But from my read here, it seems that Dan and Tony are being considered for relationship potential, which means a lot more than just the hot sex parts. One of the things that it means is that this man will potentially (gradually) become the second most important man in your son’s life.

    I’ll also say that I’m like most others who read this blog… I enjoy and appreciate your writing, and also have grown to care for the well being of you and your son. I write below from this point of view, as an admirer or you and also as an advocate for you and Liam…

    You say “Dan puzzles me. He says he gets it then does the exact same thing. Over and over.”

    People respond to incentives. From my reading, you are giving him words that ask him to change his words, and he does change his words. You don’t seem to follow up with actions that give him incentive to change his actions (if he wants to or even is able to).

    When you say Dan doesn’t change despite repeated requests, and also say you don’t have time for that, that to me screams that you should end contact with him. He seems entirely without many of the qualities I suspect you want in an enduring relationship.

    The pattern of people responding to incentives seems repeated with Tony. He continues to be fundamentally uncommunicative, and I don’t read significant behaviors on your part that are giving him incentive to change. It’s difficult for me to imagine a woman as communicative as you would want a long term relationship with a man who communicates this way. And it is impossible for me to imagine you want this man modeling male/female communication to your son.

    Someone as awesome as you clearly are deserves very basic competence where Dan and Tony fall short, elements like respect for you (Dan fails) and decent communication skills (Tony fails). I really really hope you can find someone who has all of the sexy vibe and performance you want, and also has these other basic human qualities.

    Thanks again for all you posts, they are entertaining, enlightening, sexy, and many other good things!!!

  4. i think you might be beating a dead horse with Dan. He ain’t the guy. I think he’ll continue to frustrate you and let you down. My suggestion is to just stop communicating with him — life’s too short for that BS.

What do you think?