I enjoyed my two weeks of vacation; I monitored my emails but didn’t really do any work. It was bliss. Until I came back to work and had to deal with the onslaught of urgent things needing to occur this month. I enjoy it, which makes a huge difference – it’s usually good stress.
Tuesday I canceled on Lewis. I worked at my desk until after 6 pm, left to go home to eat with a glass of wine and my computer at my kitchen table. He was working late as well, so we agreed to touch base around 9 pm. While I was close to wrapping up my work then, I simply didn’t feel like getting together with him. I was tired, and wanted to write.
He was fine with it, saying for sure we’d need to have a session next week. Dan replied to my Monday text reply Tuesday morning: “Good morning. Oh you must have had company last night, sorry for bothering you.”
And while yes, I did have company, I wasn’t about to say that to him… because he and I were supposed to see each other and my company wasn’t the reason I didn’t reply to him. Passive aggressive drives me bananas. And it was ridiculous he still hadn’t acknowledged anything that happened on the weekend.
Dan is on his way out.
Our subsequent text exchange solidified it for me.
I told him he was focussed on the wrong things. He said maybe we could just have fun or a friendship, then asked if I’d be open to a relationship with him if we spent more time together. He asked if I was free that night (Tuesday) or Wednesday and I said nope.
A few weeks ago, after he pestered me about my plans and I told him I was going on a dinner date with Zane, he said he thought we were on a relationship track and was out of sorts I’d be going on a date. I won’t say I was surprised, because he’s odd, but I did have a hard time understanding it.
I explained to him on the phone that given a bunch of things, I wasn’t making any kind of relationship call with him. Despite his daily contact, we’ve only seen each other a handful of times. He makes plans then flakes, regularly. He’s turned down many opportunities to see me. Of course, I’m cognizant he’s undergoing cancer treatment and I know he’s tired. But even before it started he was the same. We’ve only connected physically a few times (but when we do, it’s awesome).
I told him he rarely asks me anything about myself – hopes, dreams, plans, opinions. He’s never asked me what I want. He focusses so much on what I’m doing with others, and frankly, Lewis has never stood in the way of me deciding to be exclusive with someone.
He asks to go to sex clubs with me and we don’t even have our own strong sexual connection, months later. I haven’t been in years. I tell him all of these things. I do wonder if his brain surgery has had an affect on his memory.
Regardless the reason, he’s high maintenance. If he and I had established any kind of consistently strong connection – sexual or more – I’d understand frustration if I was stringing him along. “What’s happening with us” would then be a reasonable question.
I try really hard to see things from the others perspective – so much conflict and misunderstanding occurs when we don’t. But Dan puzzles me. He says he gets it then does the exact same thing. Over and over.
I don’t have time for this. Even if his kisses are some of the best and his hands are sublime.