It’s not about me.

A couple of months ago I’d connected with Bruce again. Probably because I’d texted to see how he was doing. He suggested we get together and then cancelled that day due to a change in his child schedule. It told me nothing had changed with him and there was no point in trying.

We exchanged no texts afterwards. But feeling magnanimous, I sent him a Merry Christmas and happy holidays text. He didn’t reply. Ever.

So in the last purge I sent him a goodbye text. I said I wasn’t sure why he didn’t reply, but I didn’t want to bother him and guessed he may be seeing someone else (it didn’t fit for me that he didn’t reply at all and realized perhaps he didn’t want to tell me).

I told him I had a dating story about us published in a local newspaper and would share it if he wanted to read it. It was the story of me mistakenly calling his wife. I said I wished him the best. Did I need to send it? Nope. But I did.

I then deleted him from my address book, my recents (sidebar: I found men in my recents I haven’t been in touch with for over four years. Recent, my ass!), and WhatsApp. It took a few tries to completely get him out of my phone. I didn’t want to have a weak moment again and reach out – I figured he’d made his lack of interest very clear.

I moved on.

At work yesterday I noticed a bunch of WhatsApp notifications. It didn’t say who they were from, because my phone didn’t know. I figured it was the group chat I have with my brother and others where it’s common for me to have 47 unread messages if they’ve been debating the merits of a certain restaurants saag paneer.

Later when I opened it I saw the following:

Hey Ann sorry
No you’re not bothering me
I would block you if that was the case
Just been dealing with a lot of shit …
I’ve been really …. I don’t know
Depressed I guess is the best way to put it
I mean just being brought to tears for …. no real reason… while at work
Laying in bed at home …
Try to put on a good face for the kids but …. it’s been tough
And …. I don’t know I became a recluse.
Thanks for thinking of me.
Ps it always make me feel horrible when we try to get together and something always comes up… like seriously
I hate that
You have been nothing short of wonderful
And I feel like shit and end up ignoring people because I have nothing positive going on so it’s easier to keep that to myself.
Hope you are well sweetie
And yes if you send me the link to your story …
I’d love to read it
Can’t imagine it’s too positive lol
Ps
That was the first ” booty call” I was ever offered
And yet couldn’t man up

It was Bruce.

I responded that it was nice to hear from him and I was sorry he was going through such a rough time. I knew from prior discussions he suffered from anxiety and depression, and I know how debilitating it can be from my relationship with Will.

He said he’d like to see me. He’s been the funny and sarcastic guy I liked so much. We have plans set for later this week and I’m not holding my breath. Even if we do see each other, I have no illusions it will be anything more than a one-time thing.

But at least it’s nice to know it wasn’t about me, at all.

18 thoughts on “It’s not about me.

    • What, meeting him for a drink and maybe a snog? That’s all it will be, if it even happens. What is it that you are worried about for me? I don’t always see the danger myself 🙂

      • It just seems like you knew that cutting him off was the best decision, but it was clearly still hard. But you did it. Then he contacts you again and says he wants to see you and, boom,, just like that, you’re agreeing to meet up with him again.

        It sounds like you let his talk of his depression get to you, make you feel sorry for him. I’m not totally dismissing that, having had my shares of bouts with it, but this is his problem, not yours, and it sounds like you been accommodating of that enough. I just don’t see why you need this in your life. I would have recommended sending the story to him and then saying no thanks when asked to meet again, and erasing him completely from you life. I know SAY it won’t be anything but, I don’t know, why even risk it?

        • Well, I wouldn’t say I cut him off. I thought HE cut me off. I quite like him, actually, and am fine to see him. I know exactly what his restrictions and limitations are. One thing he doesn’t do is drag me into his drama – he goes silent and bears it alone.

          I do understand what you’re saying – why bother. I guess it took up very little of my energy to agree to meet him and if it doesn’t happen I’m not worse off that before. Feels low risk. If I get to see him I know I will enjoy my time with him, and maybe even get to experience some of the physical magic we have together.

  1. Oh man, another rerun. 😉 I hope you guys have a good catch up session but I would leave it at that. The man has nothing to offer you emotionally. Valentines Day is coming up. Time for some fresh blood!

    • Yep, as I said I’d be surprised if we even meet up, and that’s okay. But I’m not seeking out any fresh blood at this point. If I meet someone, that’s fine, but I’m not putting any effort into finding anyone.

    • I agree with Charlotte. That said, I know this is probably your plan anyway. It’s bittersweet knowing there is so much potential with someone if only they could get their shit together. 🙁 As was my experience with Hayden.

    • It’s hard to know sometimes – the same behaviour from two different men can be caused by dramatically different things. I don’t really need to see him at this point, although it will be nice. I have no outstanding questions in my head.

  2. It’s always reassuring to find out your not the reason for someone’s behavior. It would make life a lot easier if generally people were more open and honest

  3. I think it’s awesome you are giving him a chance to go out again. I mean depression is an awful illness and it probably meant a lot for you to message him. I would put him a friends with possible benefits box if any type relationship thing because right now he can’t commit but probably needs to feel cared for as long as it doesn’t harm you to do so. Just realize he is going to flake, it’s definitely not you. After my husband’s rebound from his ex wife and the rebound from that relationship ended there wa me. We were friends with benefits but because of a situaion in my home I ended up staying with him. His room hadn’t been cleaned since his break up from the rebound girl like 6 months before. It took me like a week to clean his room. I think he needed someone to care because after that he almost became a nazi about it being clean. He ended up in a hospital about two months after I moved in and said that’s when he knew he wanted to be with me because the fog had cleared and I was still there and had been there the entire time.

  4. Hi Ann, this is my first time to comment on here but I’m a long time reader and a big fan of your writing. I’m glad to hear your in touch with Bruce it sounds like he needs the pick me up from a friend that truly understands and cares and you hopefully get some laughs and maybe snogs! He may be a complicated character but aren’t we all at times ey

What do you think?