I wish I could write about my new fitness regime, like some, but I haven’t quite gotten there yet. My head has been up my ass with work and life. Emotional health, but not physical. Sex has been my only exercise.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I did get back on skates last week, which was terribly nerve-wracking given my accident a year ago… but very satisfying once I did it. I was proud of myself. And didn’t fall. I’m getting on skis for the first time in 20 years this weekend…keep your fingers crossed for me.
I did pretty well with my physical health for a while. I’d been seeing my personal trainer for over a year, except my stuck-on-the-couch-because-I-was-broken phase. Last Fall, he got fired from the private fitness center he worked at because he refused to work extended hours. He was amazing and I didn’t want to work with someone else. I was also irritated at how management dealt with letting me know, so there’s been no personal training for me. Work was also insane so it was a fine time for me to get two extra hours back in my week.
I have a gym membership at a chain with locations by my office and house. I figured it would be a good addition to my two personal training sessions a week. I get a discounted rate through my company and last year I used that gym – wait for it – once. And it was only because there was no hot water in my house and I needed to take a shower.
One of my intentions for 2018 (I don’t believe in resolutions) is to prove to myself I don’t need to book a trainer to work out.
Sex doesn’t truly count as a workout, although it helps.
Last night, as expected, I didn’t see Dan. I was pissed off he didn’t apologize for his ridiculous behavior on Friday night and even more pissed off at the thought he may think I should apologize. I heard nothing from him even though we were supposed to go out Monday night.
Tony was sniffing around and asked to see me. I said yes. There were some things I wanted to say.
I didn’t say them.
I told him I had questions and his first response was to decline to talk about it. I told him it wasn’t fair; while I knew it wasn’t about me at all, he should know his announcement has an impact on me. I’m an invested stakeholder.
I got a couple of answers. I asked if the decision to divorce was mutual. He said Mary told him it was going to happen, but he agreed. He said he’s looking for an apartment and they are talking about the terms of their separation, although he joked that knowing him, nothing is happening quickly.
He told me the two night trip he recently took wasn’t a family vacation; just him and his son. I had assumed the three of them went and while I felt a familiar pang of frustration (that they can’t be serious about divorcing if they are still going away together), it was the best thing for me. It kept the status quo.
So correct or not, finding out he went solo made me think perhaps the divorce is real.
Then he asked if I wanted to go away for a couple of nights with him next month. I felt a familiar flutter of excitement and said sure.
I’ve subsequently re-evaluated my answer, although he doesn’t know it yet.
You see, it was one thing for me to see him when he wasn’t mine and couldn’t be. I put walls back up around my heart to protect myself from being hurt by him. I put him in a non-relationship box. It felt nice to see him when we did, and there was minimal risk due to my Tony containment strategy.
My reaction – my thrill – at his asking me to go somewhere with him made me realize I shouldn’t do it.
In order for something to be possible with each other, in order for the Chapter 3 I yearned for so long to happen, I need to be vulnerable and open. Those walls need to come down.
Doing that prematurely comes at a high personal risk. If I let myself believe it could really happen with us, if I become vulnerable and take him out of containment… just to have it be too slow, or not enough, or anything else? Devastating.
And completely my fault.
This divorce isn’t about me. These aren’t my terms to dictate. Tony and his soon-to-be-ex can do this however they want, in whatever way they want, and take whatever time they want. Obviously.
Tony has definitely changed how he’s interacting with me and the things he wants from me. Today, he called mid-day (somewhat unusual). I was in back-to-back meetings but sent a quick text which said: “hey saw you called but can’t talk, what’s up?”
“Just wanted to talk. Need attention. I’m not a cactus.”
Those of you who suffered along with the Tony story the last time may remember my nickname was cactus because I told him even a cactus would die from his lack of care and feeding. He’s funny, that one.
I called him later on and among other things, when I though I heard him say he booked something else for this Thursday, he said he wasn’t going to miss “Thursday night date night with Ann.”
So it’s on me to set boundaries, it’s on me to be careful with my heart, and for me to decide to what extent I can engage and not get hurt.
It’s going to be difficult.
And of course, laying in bed Monday night I got a series of texts from Dan as if nothing transpired: “Good evening. how was your weekend? Busy?…. Ok good night.” Since I was busy, I waited a couple of hours then replied: “Hi. Weekend was fine. Except you being bizarre Fri night, not listening to me, then hanging up on me and not replying to my text on Sat. We were supposed to go out tonight.”