I am vulnerable and off-kilter

In the absence of knowing exactly how I was “outed”, I feel extraordinarily vulnerable. I’ve contemplated several times this week making my blog private for a while, so I can figure out what to do.

It doesn’t help to see a comment in my spam filter which says (caps theirs): “WHEN YOU FUCK OTHER WOMENS HUSBANDS BEHIND THEIR BACKS EXPECT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS TO GET FUCKED WITH TOO”

Thanks to the reader who chose the username “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID” to leave that gem for me. 

No, I don’t think I was deliberately sabotaged. No, I’m not going to get into a discussion of anything to do with Tony and who is collecting the bad karma.

The first time I trusted a man with my blog information (but not the name), he also knew about some of the things I’d done. It so happened, at the time, when he searched a few keywords, I was only fourth in google search results. That’s how Fox found me. I gave him what he needed to know. I didn’t make that mistake again.

The second time I was found, it was the result of a very intense social media search by HWSNBN. At the time, my personal Instagram account was public, and he looked at every single one of the pages of those I follow. He found the only connection to my blog life, via a fellow blogger. He didn’t know what he was looking for, but he found it anyway. I didn’t make that mistake again, either. My account is now private (along with my Twitter account). I scoured my social media accounts for any connections to blogs, and removed them.

I told Leo about my writing a blog and he was nonplussed. If he bothered looking, he never said so. I’m certain he hasn’t read what I’ve written about him because if he did, I’m sure he wouldn’t keep texting me to see me again.

On occasion, I tell men I’m dating I’ve done some writing. I have several stories published in a local newspaper and on Facebook. I gauge their reaction to test the waters.

I am very careful to keep my identity hidden, and by extension, those I write about.

Perhaps blog lightning really did strike, and one of my readers is a friend of Harper’s, recognized him and informed him. The simplest answer is often the right one.

But it has me very concerned, nonetheless. I am still ruminating on the comments left by Cheri about how my blog organization tells a story about me that isn’t quite accurate. I am not a man-devouring cold-hearted heathen, checking men off my list one by one. To a new reader, it might appear that way.

If I choose to go private for a while, once I do you can request access by emailing me at ann@annstvincent.com

47 thoughts on “I am vulnerable and off-kilter

  1. I don’t get why the woman in the relationship always blames the other woman. Blame the husband. He is the one responsible for the relationship. Of course someone wants what you have.

    • Agreed. We’re having this huge dialogue in the US right now about men’s accountability for their [inappropriate/and illegal] treatment of women and yet the women whose husbands have been unfaithful are all too quick to blame the other woman as if the “poor man” couldn’t possibly have made the decision all on his own. My ex was unfaithful and denies it to this very day, yet I know it to be true because I KNEW the woman he was with. That is one case where I definitely blamed her TOO, because she knew exactly what she was doing and didn’t give a rat’s ass about me while she was doing it.

    • You really don’t get it? I’ll explain it to you. It’s not because they think you are in any way responsible for the marital relationship, it’s because you are a partner in the source of their pain. Trolls are a different category of people however. They are probably just miserable, bitter, unkind people who have difficulty with all relationships.

    • Far easier to blame a third party than think your husband is fully culpable. And yes, what Cheri said as well. I don’t particularly want to give that troll any reason to hate me any more than they already do, so I don’t want to get into the “Tony and Ann” situation and what is – and isn’t – happening anymore.

  2. I’m still trying to figure out how Harper found out but if both of you are into the same “activities”, why would he get cold feet, you would think it would excite him. I know I would be, do you think the person who told him had a passing relationship with you, or heard from a friend of a friend. It’s crazy to think after all the precautions you’ve taken that this happened. I’m behind you 100% Ann.

    • Thank you Al. It’s very hard for me to figure out why Harper reacted the way he did, because we didn’t know each other all that well. I don’t think the person who told him knew me; at least, Harper says they didn’t. Which makes it even more of an insane coincidence. Although I’m careful with who knows about my blog in real life – meaning they are all people I’d trust to never disclose it to anyone else – I suppose it would make more sense to me if it was someone who heard from someone I knew. Anyway. I am trying to stop turning it all over in my head, because it’s not helping me at this point.

  3. Someone can always find us on the internet. The one reason you go private, just might get invited into your private blog. Unless I felt my career was in jeopardy I would not take it private. But of course do what you feel you need to do. I didn’t really want J following my blog, but sent him a copy one day of a particular page and somehow he’s actually tagged along. Ugh 😑

  4. It certainly sounds like the wife/significant other of someone you might have been with. I understand the uneasy feelings. Of course there are plenty of trolls out there who have nothing better to do than to stoke fires among people and then sit back and watch them burn. I almost feel sorry for them. The email you got might have nothing to do with Harper, or maybe it has everything to do with him. Easier said than done – but truth is, we’ll never know, so time to move forward and cut your losses? I’m so sorry this happened though.

    • Given where the commenter is located, I don’t believe they are connected to me in any way. It still shook me, however… I haven’t written about Tony in ages, I haven’t discussed the nature of our relationship or lack thereof. That someone could hold such hatred in their heart for me, based solely on history… well, I don’t need to invite that into my life via this blog.

      • I can’t even imagine and yet I fully understand that. I’m so sorry. It’s a risk we all take, blogging, especially if it’s available to anyone – that there will be someone who finds a reason and the time to criticize and tear you down, just because they’re unhappy or mentally ill enough. All that being said, anyone who reads a blog needs to remember that a blog is another element of social media –
        a snapshot of the writer, what they want you to know, see, or feel. A blog isn’t WHO a person is. It may be an extension, and while the expectation is that it is the mirror of the writer, it seldom is. Anonymous or not. It is the privilege of the writer – what is written. I say this as a generalization of blogging – that the reader must always remember that what they’re reading may not be entirely what IS. Keep being you, Ann. You know who you are, and you know your moral standards. And this too, shall pass. Much love to you. <3

  5. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s one of my biggest fears and I completely understand the private/public dilemma. I’ve considered locking mine down in the past as well.

  6. Ann,
    I am of the opinion that Harper is a follower and only realized who you were after you opened up a little bit about yourself. But I’m not sure I’m in the majority here… Regardless, you should do what you feel is best for you.

    I’m sorry that you have deal with all of this crap. If you go private, I’ll be certain to send a request and continue to follow you! If you shut it down for a while, I’ll understand that as well.

    All the best!

    Coop
    xo

    • That scenario has certainly occurred to me, Coop. Hard to know without the facts from Harper, and I suppose at this point it doesn’t really matter… other than in that case I now have someone who knows both of my identities and not sure he has any reason to protect them.

  7. Yes do what you need to do Ann. And a BIG FU to whomever sent you that email!! Grrrrr!
    Hugs!!!!!!!! XO! To you Ann!

  8. Oh Ann, this breaks my heart. I will say this, I think you are a good judge of character and I believe that Harper would tell you the truth if your ID had been breached. I think he is capable of understanding the ramifications and importance of that and would help you to guard your privacy by also giving you the opportunity to protect it yourself if that was needed. That said, whatever you need to do.

    On another note, trolls are gonna troll. Don’t let it occupy space in your brain.

    On the third note, don’t let your heart play with your head or vice versa. There will be another Harper, a better one. How do I know? I know because basic Ann, the one none of us have seen, is a very attractive women. It is a woman that only very special men can appreciate. They are not a dime a dozen but they are there. Don’t settle and keep shining.

    • Thank you Cheri. I sincerely think (thought?) he is a good man and would tell me anything I needed to know in that regard. But I don’t really know.

      I won’t ever settle. I have wobbles where I look around and see people in relationships and wonder what’s wrong with me that I’m not. Then I remember the men I’ve broken up with because I know I’d be settling, even though they were good men who would have been good and kind to me. I know I’ve made the right choices in that regard.

      • i know what you mean. do what you need to for YOU. cos you’re all that matters. Honestly. To the person who sent you that horrid email? F her.

        i’m the mistress in my affair with BIKSS, but hey, sometimes I think if she were all the bees knees why would he come looking for me eh?

        *he reads here too, so i hope this comment doesn’t land me in any kind of trouble.*

  9. Whatever works for you best Ann <3

    I am so mad at Harper for not giving you enough information to put your mind at ease. He doesnt need to give you names or details, but he could give you more information about how he came to know about the connection between you and the blog of Ann St Vincent, so that you wouldnt need to worry about ghosts. Maybe he did this even deliberately (giving you not enough information for closure), maybe he is mad at himself/his friend and does want to see you in limbo (if I cant have her, she should at least feel unsafe)…who knows 🙁

    I would suggest you ask him. Tell him that you need to know more details to get closure and if he is the good guy you think he is, he will put your mind at ease and tell you everything you need to know to move on.

    • Thank you Amy. I did ask him on Sunday. I sent an email asking for the opportunity to learn precisely how I was found… and also perhaps to talk about what bothered him (so I can better understand it) and to ask if he would be willing to hear my perspective on my blog so we could perhaps sort out how to move forward. I haven’t heard back.

  10. Wow….someone is REALLY angry about your relationship with Tony….dang! This is crazy! I have SO many thoughts going through my head so I can’t imagine the thoughts you are having!! So, the question is who would be angry about your relationship with Tony?!?!? Although u haven’t written about him, if I am remembering correctly, in the past couple of months when you written a post about men, you mentioned Tony’s name but no other details. As a therapist, I believe the healthiest thing would be to make this blog private. And make sure you truly know each and every person who wants to read your diary. And of course, I have to add, if you do still see Tony, the healthiest thing is to stop. This has gone on too long and it’s not healthy for anyone (you, him, his wife, his kid). Sending you peace and light during this difficult time.

    • What surprises me is nobody has trolled me about Tony in AGES. I let myself believe any haters would have long ago passed me by. It’s disconcerting to find out there are people out there who wish me harm. Ugh.

      Yes, I’m strongly considering making it private, or removing some of the content. At a minimum, restructuring the content. I need to find the time to do so.

      And I hear you about Tony. Right now, I’m okay with the interactions we have. It’s not bad for me…and I don’t really want to write too much about it, maybe for obvious reasons. But I’m okay. And I really do appreciate your input and best wishes. Thank you. xo

  11. I want to voice my support for you. I used to live in Dallas. When Ann Richards ran for office the one of the local gay boutiques sold t-shirts with the slogan “Another Man For Ann”. I bought one as did all of my friends. You can consider me another man for Ann. And that Ann is you.

  12. Whatever you decide to do I am sure will be the right thing for you.
    When I first started writing my blog I did not want anyone apart from my closest friends to know about, It soon got so that loads of people who personally know me read my blog, even former staff members.
    I decided I really needed to live by one of my mantras DILLIGAF
    Do I look like a give a fuck!!
    I decided I really don’t!! There is nothing in my blog I am ashamed of, I do not give a rats arse that some members of society are still stuck on old Victorian principles and may label me a slut or harlot, that is their labels not mine.
    Having said all this it may come back and bite me in the arse when I am job hunting in Australia, only time will tell!!
    Best wishes, if you do go private please let me know by way of my blog so I can email you for the access
    Cheers
    Jad

  13. Hello again,

    Once again I want to say the situation sucks ass!!! I’m very sorry that Harper didn’t pan out. It sounded so hopeful. But……. maybe that is the point. It sounded hopeful. We are only hearing / reading your impression / reaction to things. Maybe, if we had harpers blog to read in comparison we’d find it wasn’t so hopeful. We will never know. And, that is the point.

    I sincerely hope you don’t choose to end or close your blog. I think it is far far to important that the discussion of the rediscovery / rewriting of female sexuality continues and grows wider! Because, that is what your blog is! You are, indeed, only one voice in that conversation. But, we need more voices in that conversation not less. Your blog needs to remain out there for more people to discover.

    In the end, I know you will do what is right for you. But, I will hope that you choose to remain in the conversation.

    Just one mans thoughts

    • You’re quite right. As much as I try to be balanced in what I write, it is always from my perspective. I choose the things to include and the things to exclude. So yes, I can write the same facts in a way that could probably swing readers perceptions one way or another.

      Hard to know what his inner thoughts were. He certainly was complimentary and I believe he was into me, and saw similar potential. But it was way too early in us meeting for me to know any more.

      Thank you so much for the kind words about my blog. I really appreciate them, and the value that you think it brings.

  14. Hey Ann-
    I had to say something about this shit.

    That disgusting comment – this is what the Internet does. Gives someone the idea that they have the right to pass judgement on you, when they don’t know about the feelings you and Tony had for one another. The world is full of judgey motherfuckers. I can be one myself, but at least I have the balls to be out in the open. I despise people who make up fake identities to leave nasty comments. Cowards.

    I can’t help but think that there might be a connection between that troll, and the fact that Harper found out about your blog.

    Ann, you present as a very successful, attractive, intelligent woman who is keenly aware of her self worth. You write a lot about your dating/sex life, but don’t come off desperate and longing for a man. Instead, your blog portrays a woman seeking a man worthy of her. Believe it or not, your high self esteem is going to cause troll-y people to resent you.

    Keep being you. When I get negative comments like that, I refuse to devote energy to them. Instead, I direct my energy towards being awesome. Keep winning at life. It really pisses the haters off.

    • Samara, thank you so much for those words. I don’t know if there is a connection; it’s tough without full information. But I can tell you I can see the scenario where they are linked, for sure.

      It’s so odd for me to read the words of how I come across on the blog. Flattering, for sure. I don’t take compliments well in the personal sphere, and I definitely struggle with seeing myself the way others do.

      I intend to keep putting myself out there, trying again to find what I want and what I need, and remain hopeful (deep down, these days) I will find a man who will be a great partner for me.

      I can’t imagine the haters when I finally find him 😉

      Appreciate your support! xo

  15. I keep coming back to this post, and I keep wanting to reflect on what part we, the readers, play in all of this. You share your life and your thoughts with us, and in return, we give you our loyalty. On some level, though, because you are somewhere halfway between real and fiction for many of us, we a little bit exploit you for our own entertainment (and by extension, your circle of lovers). I don’t mean malignant exploitation, but interactions that have real consequences for you and your lovers don’t affect us all that deeply, and its easy for us to comment, to have opinions, to hope that things work out one way or another, and be emotionally shielded. You put yourself out there for us, for somewhere between our entertainment and our enlightenment, every day. Most of us deeply support you, and perhaps offered as a whole that support helps you, but like the trolls you unfortunately interact with, we have the benefit of saying or doing whatever we want, and then are protected by our anonymity.

    • Such a thoughtful comment. You’re quite right, these things are very real for me… and nobody else. The support from readers like yourself does help me, as does the feedback and challenge. Thank you. xo

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