tony is getting a divorce

Tony is getting divorced.

No, that’s not a typo. Tony, who a year ago moved back in with his wife after a separation of almost two years, is getting a divorce.

He mentioned it succinctly in a discussion about the things stressing him out. I’d known about the work stuff, but divorce wasn’t what I was expecting. Some things clicked into place – how he was able to be at my place over a weekend, and an offhand comment that we wouldn’t need to use the burner number soon.

I know the man well enough to know peppering him with questions wasn’t the way to go. I told him I was sorry to hear it. I asked if it was for real, and he said it was. I could see his tears just under the surface.

His best friend knows, but his child doesn’t. He’s been sleeping on the couch. They are “discussing” things; I took it to mean they were discussing the logistics of what happens next, but he didn’t clarify.

And that’s all I know. I told him I had five hundred questions, which he acknowledged and said he wasn’t ready to talk about it. Pretty typical Tony.

My head is spinning with the news. So many thoughts.

The first is, I will believe it when it actually happens.

Then, does it makes any difference in my life. Would I consider a relationship with him. Would he even want such a thing, or has he thought about it.

Lots to unpack mentally. I was going to write a long post about all of the things it makes me think about, but in this case, it’s better for me to simply sit with the knowledge for a bit. Perhaps it will be better to write about it, perhaps not.

But in the interim, I definitely wanted to share.

Image from the 1939 movie “Love Affair”

32 thoughts on “Tony is getting divorced.

  1. He wants more with you but I feel you should make him take some time. He knew in his heart of hearts it wasn’t going to work or he wouldn’t have risked it doing the things he was doing with you. He was doing this for his child and that’s never a solid foundation of a relationship. He came to you, he will certainly with more information when he is ready.

    • I’m not sure he wants more with me…and even if he did, I don’t know that I would want it. You’re quite right, he needs time. I can’t imagine this will be a quick divorce process, unless she pushes it forward. And then, once it’s over…I can’t really see him suddenly being willing to have a relationship out in the open with me. And more importantly, I don’t know that he would be a good partner for me, unless we can build a different foundation of trust and openness. They aren’t his strong suits.

  2. Just give him a safe place to come and some space to relax. He shouldn’t be hopping right into another relationship as he will need time to get over his marriage. Knowing you’re there should he need you is what’s important now. I would just take a day at a time and not ask lots of questions as he doesn’t even have answers. Write all your questions in your book notes. Just my two cents. Good luck!

    • Thanks Pam. He’s had a safe space continually with me…even when I’ve thought I shouldn’t provide it. As I said to Morava, I’m not even sure I want Tony in a relationship, given the behaviors I’ve seen him exhibit. BUT at this point I will be surprised that it even happens, unless it’s his wife that’s driving it. I don’t think it was his idea.

    • It will be for him, absolutely. I may be wrong but I don’t think it was his decision. He would have stayed miserable forever in that marriage. She’s the one that kicked him out the first time, after she accused him of cheating. I am interested to see if it even happens – but it’s also the first time he’s ever mentioned the term “divorce”, so perhaps it is real.

    • Yes, I read it! The holidays are the last straw and / or people wait to get through them for appearances / the children, and/or people start to think about New Years resolutions and all that. In Tony’s case, they have been talking about it for more than a month, I think.

  3. Oh Ann, that’s good, I think…. Im sure all kinds of thoughts and questions are running through your head. First thing as you’ve said, you will believe it when it happens. Second, even though both of you have history together, both good and bad. He will definitely need some time to find himself again. Third, take your time, DO NOT rush into any kind of relationship with him.

    I know both if you have been through a lot with each other. I think the best thing you can do for him right now is just be a friend for him at the moment. Don’t get caught up in the moment, his head and feelings are going everywhere, he may not know what he wants right now.

    As you said, you have a lot of questions for him, etc, but try and keep the questions to a minimum, let him open up to you.

    • Thank you Keith. I’m pretty sure he’s focussed on the divorce and not thinking about him and me – at least, that’s how it should be.

      He hasn’t asked me for anything at this point, and knowing him, I doubt he will. We shall see.

  4. Yes, so much to think about. If I had your strength, I would try to stay your current course until he’s made It out the other end. He could come back to you full on mid divorce and then change his mind again after final divorce. You’ve come so far and I hate to see you get sucked back in too fast and be hurt by his indecision. I’m not saying don’t get back with him, just to wait til
    He’s further down his own path.

    • I have zero interest in getting sucked in before he’s fully through this, and won’t. I am not convinced he’s the right partner for me anyway, given his behaviors… which ultimately makes it easy to not engage further than we already are. But as you know, it doesn’t stop my brain from having all of the questions 🙂

  5. Yes, that’s quite big news… for him!
    You are right to stay detached for now.
    I agree, it’s probably her who’s deciding for a divorce. And I know for sure that divorces can take a long time, I’m the perfect example, 4 years later and we’re still nowhere near a conclusion. Hopefully, since she’s the one wanting it, it’ll go quicker now. But if she’s anything like my ex, she’ll do everything in her power to get out with as much as possible. If that’s the case, it’s probably best for Tony if it takes a while, it’ll give him time to rebuild himself, to make sure what he wants, and what he deserves to get out of the divorce.
    MY two cents 😉

  6. Wow! But, yes, yes, yes, yes…. do not jump in. Here’s a cautionary tale. My “Tony” in April 2016 finally broke up with the woman whom he had a dead relationship with. He and I had been seeing each other for a couple of years, rationalizing, of course, that given how dead his relationship was, it was ok. He ended up living with me part-time immediately after. He needed me on some level to help him with the logistics of moving on, and we conflated that with emotional need. He was very specific in how important and essential I was to him, how much he needed me and how things were getting “real”. However, quite literally the day he started living with me, all things went to hell. I told myself that it wasn’t time to intensity our relationship, but deep down, I had needs, and it was so confusing to have him around. He exploited the fact that we had a non-monogamous understanding, that we weren’t in a “real” relationship (he forgot his assertion), and jumped feet-first into Tinder, also brought a number of other lovers out of the woodwork, including someone whom I found out later had been expecting him to immediately dive into an exclusive relationship with her He made no time for me. He was out all the time, and couldn’t admit that he was trying to avoid me. It was crazy-making. He finally in June moved full-time into his own place and it took all of last year for us to recover from that and rebuild trust. For him what it boiled down to was being ready for a relationship, and for getting rightfully burned too many times by how destructive his dating patterns were (I had a painful session of comparing notes with the woman who had expected to get him all to herself). It’s a long story, but we are now in a good, strong (open) relationship for the time being. The trust is still shaky. How I wish that I had not “helped” him at that time. I know its easy to read into things, but my connection with this guy has many resonances with how you write about Tony. Please, go very slowly! I sense that Tony can afford to strike out on his own so he hopefully wont be needing anyone (like you) to be his landing-pad when he moves out of his house.

    • That’s quite the story. I’m sorry it happened to you in that way; sounds very stressful.

      Tony has asked nothing of me other than being someone to talk to. He won’t be moving in; I’m not about to share the house Liam and I have. I would be surprised if his divorce occurs within the year. And to top things off, I don’t know if he’s what I want. It could be tough to navigate things once he’s divorced, however. But I know I have time.

  7. I think you need to totally dismiss this piece of information and just continue to live your life. If and when the ink is dry on his divorce papers, then you can seriously wonder about Tony again. But for now, just be Ann- sparkle along in your life as you always do!

  8. Well, I admit I read this the day it posted – click-bait for me 🙂
    I’m excited about this development for Tony, but I agree with your feelings about it. I think you’ve come a long way since those days with him, and I think it would take a lot for you to open yourself up that way again. I said it before, you definitely sound like your head is in the right place these days. (Not that you didn’t before. Just sayin’.)

    • I try to not write click bait lol. I guess I could have written “Tony SAYS he’s getting divorced” 😉

      You’re right, I’ve come a long way. I’ve been reading a lot of the old Tony posts and boy, did I let myself get put through the wringer with him. I think my head is in a much better place… but I know I will be tested. Simply a matter of when.

What do you think?