Even when I’m super busy with work like I am right now, my brain seems to whirr in the background, trying to analyze and solve puzzles.
For example, was it really possible a reader who I don’t know in real life, could have known a man I was dating and recognized him from my writing?
Well, the answer is YES. And now I know who.
While traveling for work and working late hours, my little brain has been beavering away with any spare CPU capacity it can find, running scenarios and assessing my personal risk.
Could the nasty “I F*CKED WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP” comment have come from the same person who knows Gregory? What could their motivation have been for telling him about my blog, and therefore is there any risk to my identity? What if that person is a close friend of Gregory’s, he and I continue dating, and then someone knows all about me? Etcetera.
It wasn’t so much about whether Gregory could forgive me for a third party figuring out who he was from my writing. It wasn’t about whether there is any potential for us now. Of course, I’m ruminating on those questions as well, but the most active thoughts recently were about the security of me and my blog, whether someone actively wants to do me harm.
The absence of information is a terrible thing.
I’ve chosen to believe the simplest explanation is the most likely – Occam’s_razor. That as insanely unlikely as it was, a reader recognized Gregory from my writing. I’ve apologized to him profusely for this in an email. I needed him to know the lengths I go to protecting my identity and those I write about. I never thought it could happen, but it did. I don’t know if he accepts my apology, if he cares, and if he has any interest in going forward with me. Time will tell.
I decided to a quick scan of who he was connected to on social media, to see if we had any common connections. I wanted to see if I could make an assessment of whether I needed to worry. I don’t know what I expected to find, but if I saw a connection between us, I could perhaps figure out if that connection was potentially malicious.
And there it was. Right away I saw a name that was familiar to me but couldn’t place. Two seconds later it was confirmed. A blogger who I follow, who also follows me. We have a number of bloggers in common in our community.
Gregory and this blogger follow each other on social media.
Based on what I know about the blogger and the comments they’ve left on my blog (none recently; I don’t need any well-meaning sleuths trolling through the comments here, thank you) I don’t believe they and the horrible commenter are the same person.
I don’t believe there was malicious intent. It could have been as simple as “I see you’re dating a blogger I follow”, or “hey I think you should know, a blogger I follow is writing about you and I was able to determine who you were and thought you should know.”
I can’t believe this blogger would have read the beginnings of a dating story with potential and interest on both sides would think “I’m gonna fuck this up for her – and my friend.”
Of course, these are guesses. But my point is, the scenarios that have been floated here, such as a former / current lover read it and was angry or jealous, or Gregory is actually married and couldn’t bear the secrets, or he was the reader, or he set out to find me, or anything else in that vein, don’t seem plausible.
So I got what I wanted out of my quick search: a bit of peace and reassurance.
I told you to “fuck off” a few posts ago. I was angry and frustrated. I so wish I’d had the chance to proactively make it right with Gregory. But there is no place in my heart for lingering anger and resentment.
I can understand why you told him. I wish you would have told me as well, but that’s because I hate the consequences resulting from my writing. It’s my blog, my choice, my risk-taking: this is on me. I’m going to choose to believe you bear me no ill-will.
Lost potential is so much worse for me than a failed relationship.
I will bounce back, I will move forward: I always do. I’m not opening any dating profiles again any time soon…each of these disasters has taken me farther away from a desire to put myself out there again. Right now, my dating spirit is broken. I know it won’t last. But I have to think about where I want to put my energy, and what will be the most nourishing.
A good friend texted this: “you are not loving yourself right now, girl. You are letting these men define how you feel about yourself. You are worth so much more than that.”
I have a few drafts posts I will finish, so their posting won’t indicate I’ve sorted this all out. It’s definitely a time for reflection.
The comments I’ve read here in my last few posts have been incredibly insightful and supportive. You’ve given me lots to think about. I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating – this community has given me more than I ever imagined when I wrote my first post, well over four years ago. Thank you.