Finding peace in my analytical mind.

Even when I’m super busy with work like I am right now, my brain seems to whirr in the background, trying to analyze and solve puzzles.

For example, was it really possible a reader who I don’t know in real life, could have known a man I was dating and recognized him from my writing?

Well, the answer is YES. And now I know who.

::

While traveling for work and working late hours, my little brain has been beavering away with any spare CPU capacity it can find, running scenarios and assessing my personal risk.

Could the nasty “I F*CKED WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP” comment have come from the same person who knows Gregory? What could their motivation have been for telling him about my blog, and therefore is there any risk to my identity? What if that person is a close friend of Gregory’s, he and I continue dating, and then someone knows all about me? Etcetera.

It wasn’t so much about whether Gregory could forgive me for a third party figuring out who he was from my writing. It wasn’t about whether there is any potential for us now. Of course, I’m ruminating on those questions as well, but the most active thoughts recently were about the security of me and my blog, whether someone actively wants to do me harm.

The absence of information is a terrible thing.

I’ve chosen to believe the simplest explanation is the most likely – Occam’s_razor. That as insanely unlikely as it was, a reader recognized Gregory from my writing. I’ve apologized to him profusely for this in an email. I needed him to know the lengths I go to protecting my identity and those I write about. I never thought it could happen, but it did. I don’t know if he accepts my apology, if he cares, and if he has any interest in going forward with me. Time will tell.

I decided to a quick scan of who he was connected to on social media, to see if we had any common connections. I wanted to see if I could make an assessment of whether I needed to worry. I don’t know what I expected to find, but if I saw a connection between us, I could perhaps figure out if that connection was potentially malicious.

And there it was. Right away I saw a name that was familiar to me but couldn’t place. Two seconds later it was confirmed. A blogger who I follow, who also follows me. We have a number of bloggers in common in our community.

Gregory and this blogger follow each other on social media.

Based on what I know about the blogger and the comments they’ve left on my blog (none recently; I don’t need any well-meaning sleuths trolling through the comments here, thank you) I don’t believe they and the horrible commenter are the same person.

I don’t believe there was malicious intent. It could have been as simple as “I see you’re dating a blogger I follow”, or “hey I think you should know, a blogger I follow is writing about you and I was able to determine who you were and thought you should know.”

I can’t believe this blogger would have read the beginnings of a dating story with potential and interest on both sides would think “I’m gonna fuck this up for her – and my friend.”

Of course, these are guesses. But my point is, the scenarios that have been floated here, such as a former / current lover read it and was angry or jealous, or Gregory is actually married and couldn’t bear the secrets, or he was the reader, or he set out to find me, or anything else in that vein, don’t seem plausible.

So I got what I wanted out of my quick search: a bit of peace and reassurance.

::

I told you to “fuck off” a few posts ago. I was angry and frustrated. I so wish I’d had the chance to proactively make it right with Gregory. But there is no place in my heart for lingering anger and resentment.

I can understand why you told him. I wish you would have told me as well, but that’s because I hate the consequences resulting from my writing. It’s my blog, my choice, my risk-taking: this is on me. I’m going to choose to believe you bear me no ill-will.

::

Lost potential is so much worse for me than a failed relationship.

I will bounce back, I will move forward: I always do. I’m not opening any dating profiles again any time soon…each of these disasters has taken me farther away from a desire to put myself out there again. Right now, my dating spirit is broken. I know it won’t last. But I have to think about where I want to put my energy, and what will be the most nourishing.

A good friend texted this: “you are not loving yourself right now, girl. You are letting these men define how you feel about yourself. You are worth so much more than that.”

I have a few drafts posts I will finish, so their posting won’t indicate I’ve sorted this all out. It’s definitely a time for reflection.

The comments I’ve read here in my last few posts have been incredibly insightful and supportive. You’ve given me lots to think about. I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating – this community has given me more than I ever imagined when I wrote my first post, well over four years ago. Thank you.

Ann
xoxoxo

19 thoughts on “Finding peace in my analytical mind.

  1. Glad to see you feel like the mystery is solved. Sometimes the not knowing is the worst part of things!!
    Maybe you can send a private message to the blogger to try and understand their motivation for what happened?

    I remember during my years of education in the “social work” field one of the things that often came up was respecting other peoples privacy. One of the scenarios that kind of stuck in my mind was meeting someone in the doctors office waiting room and then 2 days later meeting the spouse, mother, sister etc of the person you met in the waiting room and saying something like “oh I saw so and so in doctor D’s office the other day. Without realizing it you may have breached this persons privacy and created serious consequences for a simple exchange of conversation.

    Anyway, that was a long way of me saying I think in society it is important to respect the privacy of others and before people say things that may seem really innocent we should think about the consequences of our actions.

    The missed opportunity for you and Gregory may be hard for you to get around in your head for a while but you are a strong woman and you will reconcile it in your mind so you are comfortable…It just might take a bit of creativity!!

    Thinking of you
    Jad

    • I thought about writing to the blogger, but realized there’s really no need. I at least am satisfied my risk is diminished. Anyway, if they are really close friends and he and I end up dating, I’d rather not have things be weirder than they might already be.

  2. Well….at least we won’t have any cliffhangers….for a while….just looking for the bright side.
    (not intended as a challenge)

  3. I am glad you have found an answer and I am glad you let us know. Now, I just hope you’ll find your mojo again – with or without Gregory <3

  4. I’m glad you got some peace of mind. I know it’s the most important thing to rebound.
    I am sorry this happened, and I hope that the way forward is much more joyful.
    You know I feel the same as you about the support of the blogging community.
    Thank you for being part of it XO

  5. I’m glad you found that link and figured there was no ill intent.

    If they’re a friend of Gregory’s and a reader of yours, of course friendship wins out in the loyalty stakes: ‘hey man, a heads up: you’re turning up on this blog I read’. They might even have thought it was great, or amusing etc.

    I once had the owner of the local BDSM-sex shop say ‘I read your blog :)’ when he was helping me out with a faulty flogger. It shook me because the *assumption* is (always) that I’m walking around in the world all anonymous-like, but I had written about the faulty flogger and he happened to be a reader. Of course there was no ill-will in it, but it still freaked me the fuck out.

    Ferns

    • Yes, exactly. I wouldn’t expect to trump a friendship, although would have been nice to have known a guy I was dating would be reading. All those inner thoughts, spread across the pages… ugh. And yes, I hear you! I sometimes forget about a couple friends who read, until they make a comment! I know it’s different than what you are describing – which yes, completely would freak me out as well.

  6. Your question “was it really possible a reader who I don’t know in real life, could have known a man I was dating and recognized him from my writing?” reminded me of my own experience with blogging and real life intersecting.

    6 or 7 years ago we used to participate in a weekly meme called Half-Nekkid Thursday. Several 100 people from all over the world would participate and some of the first friends we made from blogging were from HNT.

    One week a woman posted a photo of her posing in a park, which looked familiar to me. Another week, another familiar looking location (she was an exhibitionist). I reached out and we started chatting via email and as it turned out, she literally lived across the street from our daughters best friend!

    Not the crappy circumstance you’re dealing with, but there you have it…

  7. Jad makes a good point about a seemingly innocuous comment potentially wreaking havoc. I’m relieved you figured it out because I must admit it was driving me nuts — I can’t imagine how you were coping!

    I have made a previous comment calling out this blogger as a Benedict Arnold. Perhaps I sound harsh, but I stand by my position that this was only your story to tell.

    I think it’s a good time to catch your breath and enjoy the holidays. Peace be with you.

    • Thank you, Maggie! I have come to believe it was innocuous and not ill-intentioned at all. And yeah, my brain was spinning so hard on this one… it was very difficult to try to put it to rest. I agree, it was my story to tell. I wish I would have received a heads up which would have allowed me to perhaps get ahead of the issue, or at least be more aware about what I was writing. While I’m aware of my readers, so sometimes give a bit of context in my posts, I tend to assume people are somewhat familiar with me and my journey so don’t write everything all of the time.

  8. Oh I was glad to see another post from you- I was starting to wonder/worry. I’m sure this whole thing must be so frustrating for you and disheartening to say the least. Give yourself time as your friend texted you. Love and focus on yourself. It’s funny….I’ve often heard that people Meet their mate when something like this occurs and dating is out on the back burner… I.E.- when you Least expect it! ( It hasn’t happened for me yet … lol—but, this may just be your time!).
    Take care!!❤️🤗

    • I appreciate it Suzy! It was very disheartening, for sure. But I think I now have what I need for my brain to wrap up this experience and put it on the shelf with the others.
      Hasn’t happened for me either lol… I think it’s something people say to make us feel better 😉

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