Jumble of thoughts

It’s hard to believe what I’ve been told. A reader who doesn’t know me in real life happened to know a new guy I’m dating and recognized him from my blog? Maybe I should start playing the lottery.

I’ve wondered if Harper was the reader and only realized it was me when he read my posts about him. But honest to god, the chances are so remote. I don’t have that many readers. I don’t come up in any Internet searches about the kinks he may have looked for. The only one that drives consistent traffic is “making a fuck machine” and most people don’t stick around to read anything else. They are actually looking for instructions.

So I’m puzzled about that.

I’m also unclear about the root cause of Harper’s discomfort. Is it the sheer fact that I share my dating life on a blog? I’ve known for some time if I find the right man, my blogging days might end.

I can see it could come as a shock. Especially if someone is very private. Dating someone who writes about her innermost thoughts, hopes, and sex life in a public forum – albeit with a pseudonym and care to not reveal too many identifying details – could definitely make someone ill.

But if the tables were turned would I end it based on that alone, especially if what he wrote about me was glowing? Nope. I’d ask him to not write about me. I’d be too tempted to read about it. But I’m challenged to think I’d walk away without giving someone the chance to make it right.

Or was it actually reading my words about him? I remember when Fox searched out my blog, after I told him I wrote and he said he was okay with it and wouldn’t read. He read deeply hurtful things about my uncertainly about our relationship and my ongoing love of Tony. He didn’t lose it because I blogged; it was because of what he read.

But Harper? All sunshine and roses pretty much. Yes, I had challenges with his communication frequency but I think I was clear those were my issues, not his. He’d done nothing wrong.

He didn’t give me the opportunity to tell him I don’t share other people’s innermost fears and dreams. They are rarely relevant to my story. I feel like a steward of the personal information I’m given by someone else. Especially if that person is good to me and could possibly be in my life for a while. I didn’t write about the insecurities and fears Harper shared with me. I didn’t share specific physical details which may have made for salacious reading but were unnecessary.

Which leaves me with the other things he could have read about. As much as I’d told him about some of the things I’d done in my past, perhaps seeing all of the posts, all of the men… that may have completely freaked him out. Hypocritical perhaps. I’d told him I was highly sexual, that I’d done a lot of exploration. He seemed truly unfussed about any of it. He knew I was in a different place now, that I was seeking a relationship. I even told him when I meet someone I feel potential with, everyone else falls away.

Perhaps he saw my “men in the mix” list and didn’t realize the time duration they covered or the point I was at with each.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I don’t have any answers. Just a lot of questions.

I went to look at my visitor history right after he told me he’d visited my blog. One of the services I use shows me everyone that visits, what pages they go to, their IP address, and its corresponding location. Unless he used an app that blocks IP addresses (possible), I can’t align the visitor history with what he told me. I had no brand new visitors in my city that night. Another mystery.

Some of you think he will come back. I fight for things I want and I will do my best to see if he will revisit his position: it’s worth it for me. It would be good if I knew what really happened and what his biggest issue was, but I don’t have the luxury of that. At the very least I hope I can tell him how much this blog has meant to me, why I write, and reconfirm I don’t need to write about him.

I don’t know that he will care, he may not want anything to do with me, but at least I will know I’ve tried to help him understand…and if he still chooses to walk away from our potential, I’ve done everything I can.

::

And if you’re reading this and you’re the one who told him, FUCK YOU. You could have told me you knew someone I was blogging about and given me the opportunity to make it right. If you’re a regular reader, you would know I had nothing but good things in my heart for him. If I knew who you were I’d block you. You have no right to read me anymore.

49 thoughts on “Jumble of thoughts

  1. I think he should at least clarify what it is that he’s miffed about, or the EXACT reasons he thinks you shouldn’t continue on. As you say, there was nothing BAD about him in your posts. But as long as he doesn’t give you the courtesy of having a conversation about it, you’ll never know. Ah well. Try your best – but if it doesn’t happen, his loss. (Well, yes, I know, yours too, but what can you do eh?)

  2. I love the FY to the person who outed you. I hope they see it. I love revenge and hope karma bites that individual in the ass. I wouldn’t put too much effort in trying to ask Harper for clarification as I don’t think he’s ‘man enough’ to handle you anyway if he gets miffed at a blog. Just me 2 cents.

    • Well, I was angry when I wrote that. But I can also understand it – if I was a casual reader of someone’s blog and I recognized someone I was reading about, I’d probably do the same thing. My loyalty would be to my friend (or lover), not the blogger. Although I would also have sent a note to the blogger as well… but that would depend on how well I knew them / the affinity I felt for them.
      I’m not writing him off just yet.

  3. The Reader who outed you needs to understand that what he/she did is so awful. It was not their story to tell. They were being a busy body and a gossip. Blogs like yours (and mine) are really diaries that just happen to be privately shared with the world. To stumble up the connection to the real world MUST be left alone and untouched by the Reader. It is not their place to meddle. This is your journey and you would have discussed the blog at the appropriate time. It was too soon to bring up the topic for a host of reasons.

    Bendict Arnold has no place amongst us…. but Benedict, if you have the balls to come forward, I would love to hear why you felt the need to cross our line. Actually, I don’t want to hear your BS excuse. It was wrong. Go back to your rock and crawl under it.

    • Maggie, I do so appreciate the support and I smiled at this comment. If the reader didn’t know my blog that well or felt no affinity for me, they wouldn’t have any reason to give me a heads up. They would absolutely just go to their friend and say “hey I see this blogger is writing about you”. I don’t know. Yeah, it would have been wonderful to also have been told, and as a fellow blogger I would do it if the tables were turned, but I’d also tell my friend.

  4. The circumstances are plausible but highly unlikely. In my humble opinion, you should write off Harper altogether to avoid any more heartache. I think he is too insecure for a strong and independent woman such as yourself and that would be a source of issues in a relationship. I believe the right partner for you, or any of us for that matter, would understand our past and only care about the future. Ending things without an opportunity to discuss things and possibly find a solution is a crappy thing to do. Move on beautiful lady and go buy some lottery ticketmaster 😉.

    • Erich, I think I’m a pretty good judge of character and I don’t believe he is insecure nor threatened by a strong woman. You’re absolutely right that the right person for me will accept my past. I hope it’s him. I’m still going to hold out hope he’s willing to discuss it and perhaps find a way to move forward.

  5. Is he that tech savvy to know how to use an IP blocker?, he could have used his smart phone to access your page. If he lives in a building with shared wifi then it would be harder to trace. Your sexual exploration should turn him on considering both of you share similar interests. My gut tells me whoever “alerted” him wants to get him out of the picture so they can have a shot. I still think he will come back. I say send him a text, a joke, funny meme. I don’t know you or where you are but this saddened me. The cynic in me says he was put up to it just to crush your spirit but I don’t think that is the case.

    • Thank you Al. I’ve done some research on IP locations and think I’ve figured some of it out. The addresses aren’t always exact to a city. But anyway, as you say, I would think my exploration would have been okay with him. I don’t know exactly what it is that really bothered him – hopefully “only” the being outed part. Because that could be forgivable, but if he doesn’t like what he’s read about me and my history, there’s nothing I can do about that.

  6. This won’t be surprising coming from me (LOL)… but my advice is to drop it with him. You’ve had one date. I know you’re feeling loss and disappointment, but continually pushing him to reconsider is inappropriate. You can ask for an explanation and hopefully he will give it… but otherwise stop texting him.

    • We had more than one date… I was behind in writing and not all the posts went up. I haven’t texted him since that night, so not sure why you think I’m “continually pushing him”. We had a very brief phone call, I sent a follow up text primarily to say I was sorry that he found out about my blog in that manner and I was sorry if he read anything which hurt. I ended that text with “I do hope at some point you will reconsider”. I didn’t include in my post what he said in return – essentially “never say never”, and I didn’t reply. There has been no pushing, no followup.

      • Thanks for the explanation. My apologies. I misunderstood the following clip to mean that you are going to continually reach out to him.
        ….”I fight for things I want and I will do my best to see if he will revisit his position: it’s worth it for me.”

        And I did mis-read about the number of dates. I went back a couple entries and see that you’ve posted about 2.

        Again, I’m sorry this happened. It’s all so incredulous to me! Do you live in a small city?

  7. I read this this morning from my cell but couldn’t post a response. I am sad to hear how this turned out and I didn’t get to comment on the previous post either. Which is where I wanted to comment first. My first instinct over his reaction was, something doesn’t add up here. And I still feel that way. It’s like a one in a million shot.

    And before, the way he wanted to ask a series of questions and you answer, and vice versa, made me uneasy. I thought, although this is “fun” in some ways, to some extent this almost sounded like a weeding out process. It made me uneasy how “openminded” he claimed to be, and I wondered if that was really true. Call it my own personal baggage – I once dated a guy who asked a LOT of questions about my past and I was very open and honest, and as a result he flat out told me I was a “high risk” partner (for the number of partners I had previously had) and that he wouldn’t sleep with me. Made me feel great, let me tell ya. So, that being said, I learned to keep my past close to the vest. That’s not to say you should – I am in no way giving advice there – but I do think that some men may claim they “like” to hear that sexy stuff and when it comes down to it they’re either intimidated by it, or they’re more old-fashioned than they claimed to be, or they realize it’s not what they’re looking for.

    I’m sorry this didn’t turn out the way you expected. I’M disappointed for you. It sounded like there was some great potential in him.

  8. Ann, From what I’ve read so far, you have been given very good advice about how and why to move on and that may be what you do. Erich is right that it could be an on-going problem. BUT . . I think there is a step before all of that and you briefly hit on it when you say you fight for what you believe in. All of us are flawed; even those of us who have our act together have pockets of weakness. I see a lot of examples of where people bail instead of working TOGETHER on things. If one truly wants a long-lasting, meaningful relationship, it will never happen if the first fallback is to move-on. Obviously, you saw potential in Harper. I admire the strength that is required to stay invested and fight for it. Sometimes it is our turn to believe in another, sometimes it is our turn for others to believe in us even when we don’t ourselves.

    • Thank you. I’ve sent him an email (I thought it was less intrusive than a text message) asking him a few things and letting him know I’m hoping to talk to him about some things to give him perspective. Of course if he doesn’t care to, that’s fine. But at least I know I’ve tried.

  9. Long time reader of your inspirational blog, first time commenting, First, I’m really sorry about this. Second, this thing really doesn’t add up. What I’ve been thinking is that he may have done – or have it done- a more thorough search on you online; was able to identify you in real life (street address helped?) and from there got to your online activity, to an st vincent. Not sure how he would have done that, but probably not impossible? And yes, so much for being open minded and trying to ‘avoid complexity’. As I see it, he just couldn’t deal with your innermost thoughts – or someone who actually cares to have innermost thoughts to begin with.

  10. I suspect he was following your blog, found himself understandably interested in you, made sure you’d connect… and then couldn’t handle being written about.

    If it really was a reader who outed you, FUCK YOU from all of us.

    • You don’t think that’s a pretty far out-there scenario? It means he’d have to have figured out where I lived and who I was… then figured out I was on Tinder and we somehow connected? I mean, I think that’s even more rare than the chance that a reader knew him intimately enough to recognize him from my blog.

      But yeah. I was angry to write that to the reader. Although as a blogger I would have handled it differently, I think it’s likely they have no affinity for me whatsoever, know Harper intimately, and therefore have no reason to have given me a chance to take the posts down or tell him proactively.

  11. My initial gut instinct said that another beau, like for instance John or someone else you dated knew about or found out about your blog and alerted Harper. Someone that still wanted you for themselves. But that seems like a long shot too since you use an alias and how would they know who Harper was unless they were stalking you and saw you and Harper together. Then I read what Amber and ThatLawyer said and I have to agree. I suspect Harper is a follower that set out to find you, meet you and then couldn’t handle it. I do hope at some point you get at least an explanation if that is what you desire.

  12. Like I commented on the last post, I previously recognized myself on a sex blogger’s blog and it was very disconcerting, so this kind of thing can happen. However I talked it through with the blogger and we have had a great relationship ever since. I think the more important issue is that his reaction to it is not consistent with the adventurous, sex-positive man he led you to believe he was. The fact that he won’t talk to you about it makes him seem like a jerk who is trying to shame you. I don’t think anything good will come of further contact with him. He has shown you who he is.

  13. I’m very sorry for your pain. Here’s a contrarian thought: what if his abrupt break up had nothing to do with the sexual content on the blog, and instead had everything to do with him reading how smitten you were so soon. ie. The worry about his texting infrequency, the “crush” post, etc.

    You mentioned you connected on Tinder, a dating app known more for hookups than for meaningful connections. Is it possible he read your words, as flattering as they were to him, and thought, oh shit… I’m looking for fun/sex and Ann is looking for a relationship.

    If Harper is the sexual adventurer you described him to be, maybe the glimpse into your inner thoughts is what scared him. And further, if he’s as nice a guy as you think he is, he wanted to let you down right away versus string you along for 3, 4, 5 or more dates when it’s clear you would have hurt all the more.

    So in that respect, maybe he is a really nice guy: willing to forego a bunch more fun dates/sex to avoid bringing more hurt to you in the end.

    • A good point, but if he was that really nice guy he would have told Ann what you just wrote.

      But he opted to hold it short, without a real explanation and left Ann with 100 questions about what just happened.

      A decent guy would have given her the opportunity to talk thinks through and let her down easily.

    • This is what I was thinking too. I understand you are disappointed Ann, but I think Harper has taken enough of your emotional energy. Lean back and trust the man that wants you will come along. I know it sounds old fashioned, but let the next guy lead in the beginning. It’s the only way to know his intentions. I don’t think Harper was in the place to see anybody as relationship material yet. Reading your blog may made him realize you had expectations he couldn’t meet.

        • There was a lot of initiation of conversation from you. After your first date you contacted him. He canceled on you a couple times but you were eager to set the date when he wasn’t falling asleep on his couch. Any man who is excited about a woman will not choose a nap over a woman he is really interested in. Once you pay attention to actions versus what a man tells you things become crystal clear. I’m not saying you have to act disinterested by any means- I just think it would serve you well to pace yourself. You are a successful career woman and you didn’t accomplish that by leaning back. You kicked ass and leaned forward. Unfortunately these principles don’t apply to men – they enjoy it for five minutes and then they get annoyed. Much like my cat! I pet him but if I pet him too much he attacks me!

          • I can see how it may have seemed that way from what I wrote, but I genuinely didn’t feel like I was pushing anything forward. When he was quiet, I generally let him be quiet. He always texted. But you’re right, it’s 100% difficult for me to not be a lean forward driver type. I plan, I negotiate, I push. It’s not the easiest for me to chill and relax into things… although with Harper I do think I did a decent job. I don’t think I wrote this, but on our first date he essentially asked me out on our second. I was pretty confident that my “thanks for a great night” text was not out of place.
            But all of that is probably moot now.

    • In the absence of information, anything is possible. I can genuinely say I got no sense from him that he was only looking for fun / sex. We’d talked about it. I could be wrong, obviously. We’d only had a couple of dates and while we had some great conversations, I didn’t know him that well.

      He could have been scared by how I felt or what I wrote. I do think he’s a nice guy, still.

  14. One “way out there on a limb” thought I’ve had is, what if Harper had some secrets that would have been compromising had they been uncovered? The classic example would be, what if he wasn’t actually single? In that case, there’s no way he could continue on with you, seeing that his thoughts, words, and deeds were published somewhere that he (and thus, anyone) was able to breech. It’s a far-fetched theory, but if there is a grain of truth to it, it would explain the impossibility of making it work out. If there is a grain of truth to it, it would have been impossible to build real trust between the two of you. The “double romantic life” thing seems unlikely if he was out there in the open on Tinder, but he could have had a whole host of other less-damning issues that he would have wanted complete control over the dissemination of; maybe he wants to keep his sexually adventurous side secret… maybe even the insinuation that he, like you, has frequented sex clubs, was not something he wanted his friends and associates to read about. We here know that there is no shame in these things, but most of WASP society really doesn’t. I’ve learned that sometimes people with the deepest and most connected urges to share their fabulous freaky sides with others are also the most self-conscious and reserved in public.

    • Yes… one thing I do feel terrible about is that I may have caused him some embarrassment or discomfort by letting this “friend” of his know more about Harper than they did. Although, to have recognized him they would have had to be pretty intimately close, I think. But yes, for someone who is private this is not something they’d want splashed about. It’s why I use a pseudonym!

  15. As much as we wish for explanation, the truth is no one owes us anything., The blog was a problem for him and he walked away. He has that right, just as you have the right to walk away from any relationship you choose without the need to justify, rationalize, or explain anything to anyone.

    • Of course he has that right. Have I given you any impression I don’t think he does? It doesn’t mean I have to like it. And this is my space to talk about my feelings and opinions, as much as I do try to give credence to others.

    • One thing to add, Wayne. I choose to not leave people in the dark about why I’m walking away. Having been on the other side of ghosting and all sorts of bad behavior, I don’t do it to others. Even those I owe nothing to. I think it’s the right thing to do and I try to hold my head high in how I deal with others. Not everyone is the same, obviously.

What do you think?