It’s hard to believe what I’ve been told. A reader who doesn’t know me in real life happened to know a new guy I’m dating and recognized him from my blog? Maybe I should start playing the lottery.
I’ve wondered if Harper was the reader and only realized it was me when he read my posts about him. But honest to god, the chances are so remote. I don’t have that many readers. I don’t come up in any Internet searches about the kinks he may have looked for. The only one that drives consistent traffic is “making a fuck machine” and most people don’t stick around to read anything else. They are actually looking for instructions.
So I’m puzzled about that.
I’m also unclear about the root cause of Harper’s discomfort. Is it the sheer fact that I share my dating life on a blog? I’ve known for some time if I find the right man, my blogging days might end.
I can see it could come as a shock. Especially if someone is very private. Dating someone who writes about her innermost thoughts, hopes, and sex life in a public forum – albeit with a pseudonym and care to not reveal too many identifying details – could definitely make someone ill.
But if the tables were turned would I end it based on that alone, especially if what he wrote about me was glowing? Nope. I’d ask him to not write about me. I’d be too tempted to read about it. But I’m challenged to think I’d walk away without giving someone the chance to make it right.
Or was it actually reading my words about him? I remember when Fox searched out my blog, after I told him I wrote and he said he was okay with it and wouldn’t read. He read deeply hurtful things about my uncertainly about our relationship and my ongoing love of Tony. He didn’t lose it because I blogged; it was because of what he read.
But Harper? All sunshine and roses pretty much. Yes, I had challenges with his communication frequency but I think I was clear those were my issues, not his. He’d done nothing wrong.
He didn’t give me the opportunity to tell him I don’t share other people’s innermost fears and dreams. They are rarely relevant to my story. I feel like a steward of the personal information I’m given by someone else. Especially if that person is good to me and could possibly be in my life for a while. I didn’t write about the insecurities and fears Harper shared with me. I didn’t share specific physical details which may have made for salacious reading but were unnecessary.
Which leaves me with the other things he could have read about. As much as I’d told him about some of the things I’d done in my past, perhaps seeing all of the posts, all of the men… that may have completely freaked him out. Hypocritical perhaps. I’d told him I was highly sexual, that I’d done a lot of exploration. He seemed truly unfussed about any of it. He knew I was in a different place now, that I was seeking a relationship. I even told him when I meet someone I feel potential with, everyone else falls away.
Perhaps he saw my “men in the mix” list and didn’t realize the time duration they covered or the point I was at with each.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I don’t have any answers. Just a lot of questions.
I went to look at my visitor history right after he told me he’d visited my blog. One of the services I use shows me everyone that visits, what pages they go to, their IP address, and its corresponding location. Unless he used an app that blocks IP addresses (possible), I can’t align the visitor history with what he told me. I had no brand new visitors in my city that night. Another mystery.
Some of you think he will come back. I fight for things I want and I will do my best to see if he will revisit his position: it’s worth it for me. It would be good if I knew what really happened and what his biggest issue was, but I don’t have the luxury of that. At the very least I hope I can tell him how much this blog has meant to me, why I write, and reconfirm I don’t need to write about him.
I don’t know that he will care, he may not want anything to do with me, but at least I will know I’ve tried to help him understand…and if he still chooses to walk away from our potential, I’ve done everything I can.
And if you’re reading this and you’re the one who told him, FUCK YOU. You could have told me you knew someone I was blogging about and given me the opportunity to make it right. If you’re a regular reader, you would know I had nothing but good things in my heart for him. If I knew who you were I’d block you. You have no right to read me anymore.