It’s over before it really got started.

All the Harper posts are down, as you may notice. He informed me today that a friend of his told him about my blog. Someone who doesn’t know my real life identity, apparently. Which seems inconceivable, but given I seem to be insanely unlucky with ugly coincidences, I suppose it’s plausible.

He read a bit about himself. Not sure if he read anything else.

So that’s it. He “called it”. Said he needed his life to be simple. We’d only been on two dates, he just got out of his 25-year marriage, and was busy traveling in December… all said to impress on me that his ending it was no big deal.

There was nothing I could say to change his mind. I apologized via text after we hung up the phone and said while yes, we’d only had two dates, I felt a compatibility I’d rarely found and hoped at some point he’d reconsider.

Then I sat at my kitchen counter sobbing for a good long while.

98 thoughts on “It’s over before it really got started.

  1. OMG, Ann! I’m shocked. HOW in the world would a friend of his have found your blog? It really does seem inconceivable.

    I am so sorry. 🙁

    This is one of my biggest fears. Tex found my blog and I’m terrified someone else will find it again at some point in the future.

  2. Well that sucks ass!!!! I’d suggest looking at it this way: if he can’t handle reading complimentary things about himself, then good riddenece!!!

    Seriously, if all it took was reading and anonymous blog where he’d been mentioned. Then he’s clearly not what you thought he was. If someone can’t see your blog as a privelaged look into your inner workings. Then they clearly aren’t for you.

    Just my two cents

    • This is so true! I am so sorry for you. He might come around after having had some time to think things through (if your connection was just as strong for him as for you). Maybe under the condition of you closing the blog. You would have to decide if he is worth this step.

      I cannot understand his reaction though. He hinted at being the bigger kinkster of you two, so why should he break it off because of a few complimentary posts? He could have just asked you to not write about him.

      It is so weird that this friend knows your blog and connected you to him. I am not sure if you have ever mentioned the town/area where you are located?

      The only friend I can think of is the one who was supposed to bring you champagne. If he was a reader he would have connected the dots. Maybe that is why you never got the champagne. He was struggling if he should tell him about the blog.

      Or it was a lie and he himself is the reader and he was on the fence. He made up that story about the friend bringing over champagne to introduce a friend who could tell him about your blog, weird as it is. On the one side he was immensely attracted to you on the other side he couldn’t handle it. The falling asleep while texting and being to tired to date might have been little red flags for me. Maybe he tried to gain time to make up his mind. Then he decided to give you another shot with that second date or to try out the goods before he blew it.

      Ann, I am so sorry for you. But if he doesn’t come around he just wasn’t the right one. He got the privilege to know you through your blog like nobody else and he blew it. What a sissy and double standards maybe.

      A big cyber hug to you!

      • Thank you Amy. It’s weird for me as well. I suppose sure, if one of my readers knew him and some things about his dating profile or specifics about some of our early discussions (like the champagne), I suppose they could figure out it was him. It just seems so incredibly unlikely.

        I hope he comes around. It’s hard for me to not follow up with him today but I am doing my best to wait. I’m not good at waiting :/

    • I do understand it would be a shock to find. I don’t know how much he read. Even for a kinky guy who knows he’s dating a very sexual woman, this could all be overwhelming. But yes, you’re right… everything I said about him was complimentary.

      I do wish he would have given me a chance to explain, but he didn’t care to hear any of it.

      And thank you. I’m flattered you think it’s a privilege.

  3. No fucking way?! I am so incredibly sorry about this turn of events. It is a shame that he shut you down so quickly. The Hunter was stunned and apprehensive until he read the posts about us. Then he realized my blog is nothing more than my ruminations and he respects it. If Harper was a bit more open-minded, perhaps he would have understood that about you as well. Hugs to you. Many, big hugs.

    • Yes, I agree Maggie. Same for he Dancer. He is the only one I’ve told about my blog who’s actually asking to read more. I mean, he doesn’t have access to it yet, I still need my privacy to discuss my feelings and how our relationship progresses, but he certainly enjoys knowing about what I think, what I like, how I feel. And he’s read me, and knows I always focus more on what I feel than on the people, and knows I don’t say ill things about people (the ex might be the exception, but he seriously deserves it!).

      I am so sorry for you Ann. It may have all been a little too much too soon for him. I hope he changes his mind.
      I wish I could hug you and wipe away some of hose tears.
      XO

      • I do wish I could have all of my lovely blog friends around me right now. It’s one of the things that made me so sad… that this blog, which has been such a source of good things for me, caused this bad thing. It was different with Fox or HWSNBN because they read things they didn’t want to read… this felt like the sheer fact that I blog was what did it. And I’m proud of this thing I’ve created.

    • Yes way. I think it’s a shame as well… I was surprised at it frankly. I hadn’t lied about anything on the blog. He would have, in due course, learned pretty much everything that’s here. I told him the kinkiest stuff I’ve ever done. But I suspect this is all very overwhelming for someone. Hard to know.
      Hugs very welcome and very needed. xo

    • I cannot speak for Ann but just from my own experience I don’t think it is about falling for the guy per say. For me personally it was more about the let down, you get all psyched up and ready to explore what looks like could be a promising relationship and then suddenly something happens nothing, nada zilch… It is like be handed a big bowl of yummy icecream and you spend a lot of time and care putting all different kinds of flavors and toppings on the icecream, your mouth is watering at the thought of the delicious icecream… You turn your back for just a minute and when you turn back its gone, vanished, nothing, nada zilch!!

      • Yes, that’s pretty much it Jad. And also having my ice cream be taken away by this blog… something that has brought me so much joy, been so integral to my processing everything I’ve been through in the last four years… with no opportunity to make it right… that was also a part of it.
        Thanks for understanding.

  4. I am so sorry this happened Ann, big cyber hugs heading your way but honestly it is his loss. The fact that it is HIS loss doesn’t make it suck any less!!
    I have only ever shared my blog with 3 of the people I have dated and only one before we even met and that was Mon Capitaine. I was working in Kentucky at the time, he did a blog binge and read my entire blog before I got home from Kentucky. He will tell you that for him it was a privilege getting to read about my journey and where I had come from. When we finally got to meet he felt like he really knew me.
    We have been dating now for almost 8 months and he knows me so much better then either of my two husbands that I was married to for a total of 31 years ever did!!
    I do not openly advertise my blog because if they do not read from the beginning and understand my journey it can give the perception all its all about sex but I have absolutely nothing in my blog that I am ashamed about so if someone finds it so be it, if they cannot deal with it, adios!! Hugs again… You will rally and someone amazing is around the corner!!

    • Thank you Jad! I’ve shared it in the past with a couple of people but it’s always terribly nerve wracking and doesn’t always end well. I could have seen with Harper us getting to that point. I wouldn’t have needed to continue to write about him explicitly. I’ve always thought if I’ve met the right person, I would share this with them.

  5. Yea, a friend randomly finding your blog and telling him just seems to coincidental in my opinion.

    I have moments with love interests where they disappear for whatever reason and in hindsight it’s for the best. They were poor communicators, selfish, or gave mixed signals. It hurts like a bitch, and will for a while, but isn’t it better? Something about the relationship wouldn’t have been right. I guess that’s what I tell myself at least.

    • I’m not at that place yet. I mean yes, I will get over this, although right now I hope he will reconsider and I will probably pester him more than I should. But I can’t force it.

  6. What?! :((

    That is SO FUCKING WEIRD. How does some random reader make a link from ‘woman a friend is kind of almost dating’ to ‘that particular sex blog on the internet’?! I mean, what did he say about you that someone could possibly have made that leap?!

    and

    You only ever said wildly positive things about him (unlike the other dudes who you were ambivalent about, so I get why they were all upset over finding what you wrote), so why is he unhappy about it? Why not just say ‘hey, this makes me uncomfortable, can we talk about it?’

    I’m so sorry, he did sound really promising. I was excited for you :(.

    Bah and double bah!

    Ferns

    • Thanks hon. Yes, I too think it’s so insanely random that some reader could have ended up knowing him but not me. Something doesn’t sit right with me. I should probably start playing the lottery.

      And yes, unlike Fox or HWSNBN – who I completely understand would have been horrified to read what I’d written about them – it was all good with Harper. I wish he could have given me the chance to make it right and I so hope he’ll reconsider.

      Bah! indeed 🙁

  7. I’m completely shocked at the turn of events Ann. I’m so sorry 😐. I don’t know Harper but it seems odd that someone would end things because of an anonymous blog. Then again, he may have felt blindsided to learn you were writing about him publicly (even if it were complimentary). Perhaps this was a knee jerk response on his end. Maybe in time he will reach out, when he is ready to accept that you are a born writer and gifted woman with many talents. Sending you a giant hug.

    • I can see depending on someone’s outlook, finding that someone they are dating has detailed sexual history and inner thoughts available for any random stranger on the internet to read can be very offputting. I do wish we would have had the opportunity to discuss it.
      I too hope he will reconsider. And thank you for the compliment. I thought he saw all of that but suppose it wasn’t enough to outweigh the shock perhaps.
      Hugs warmly received.

  8. I’m so sorry Ann. Your excitement was almost palpable on this one. Perhaps when he comes to terms he will return. If he doesn’t, considering all you said about him was hugely positive, then alas he wasn’t for you anyway. If you date someone long term they’re going to have to know about the blog eventually, so better you know now than when your heart was fully entangled. Cold comfort I know 🙁 Sending virtual hugs.

  9. That is SHIT. And a very weird coincidence…

    But then again, I dated a woman in Melbourne who told her first ever girlfriend/best friend in Brisbane about me, and it turned out she and I had dated the same guy the year before! So weird coincidences do happen.

    Another lover I had flatly refused to allow me to even mention them on my blog, so it’s different strokes for different folks hey? I probably wouldn’t really like to be blogged about, although ‘H’ loves being in my posts : )

    I’m sorry and disappointed this happened Ann; I think he’s showing a cowardly/Avoidant streak, so you’re better off without him anyway, G

    • Weird coincidences definitely do happen. That’s bizzare about the woman you dated!! The chance of this is soooo rare, though. But I suppose possible.

      I wouldn’t have minded had he said “hey I don’t want you to talk about me”. No problem at all. I would miss updating people but not worth jeopardizing a potential relationship over.

      I should read more about avoidant behavior, I think.

      Thank you 🙂

  10. O MY!!!
    I am so glad that I didn’t read this last night. I am lost for words….almost….

    You know, from time to time I’ve questioned whether ASV is real. This morning I find myself wishing that you were not.

    Take care of yourself ASV, and know that there are many who care about you, if only from afar.

  11. Well, damn. I am sorry. I totally get the emotional breakdown even after “only” two dates and it’s part of why I won’t try anymore. You are stronger though and I hope you at least have a good distraction, if not something more, soon. <3

    • Thank you Holly, its nice to be understood. Yes, it wasn’t because I had totally fallen for him, but to lose someone with whom I had potential, for something that I thought I could probably rectify, with no opportunity to do so… ugh. Sucks.
      Sorry to hear you won’t try anymore. You know I think you should. xo

  12. WTHolyF??? That’s just bizarre he’d know someone who reads your blog. Something fishy going on there. Your last post mentioned the future date on a Friday night. Did you have that date, maybe he come over, went upstairs with you and then to your room and nose around, or get your phone somehow? Is sounds too weird to be true! Also, I’m sorry this happened to you as your readers could tell you really liked this guy. Geez, just chalk it up to experience and try not and let it bother you so much. It’s a good thing things didn’t go further and then the same reaction. Take care!! Virtual hugs!

    • He wasn’t the type to do something like that, I’m certain. And there’s nothing in my house that has any reference to my blog. But yes, it’s very strange… or a crazy coincidence.

      You’re right, I do really like him. I hope he reconsiders.

      Hugs accepted – thank you!

  13. My $.02. Men process things differently from us and the generations process things differently still. Possibly it was not so much him knowing about your blog as it was his friend’s intimate knowledge of it and then the real possibility of other friends and family learning of it too. For him there is currently no investment that makes it worth having a battle he doesn’t have to have. I’m sorry that this has happened to you.

    To me, your blog is an unfiltered personal anthology of your thoughts, emotions, desire and sexuality. Seen that way it is revealing to those who want to know about you, but it is also many other things. It is empowering and enlightening to many, validation to some and just salacious reading to others. Sometimes it is all those things at once.

    That said, I think the organization of your blog, even the names of the various segments and how they are presented belies the story of your journey of sexual awareness and fulfillment, hopes, dreams, the emotional cost to you and the growth of you in relationships. I think it rewrites it as one of sexual callousness & sport, none of which I think is actually true about you. Reorganized to highlight the former instead of the latter allows even casual visitors to get a feel for that and forces a closer read of your journey.

    I know that primarily this blog is for you and not us, but it is supposed to benefit not hurt you. I think in this instance your phenomenal organizational skills have organized a narrative that may not be true or the story you are trying to tell.

    • Cheri, I think this is one of the most thoughtful comments to ever grace my blog. Thank you. I read it earlier and it made me think, hard. I’m considering how to reorganize it… any ideas welcome.

  14. As an aside, unless Harper asked you to remove the posts, I’d put them back. I’ve read your whole blog, those posts about him were the closest estimation of you I’ve seen and puts you and the rest of your blog in perspective. I’d leave it for him and the rest of your readers to ponder.

    I comment infrequently and am often contrary, as you know, but your words in those posts helped me see you more clearly. I truly believe this is his loss, and unfortunately yours too. Let it ferment for a bit. You can always remove the posts at another time.

    • Totally agree!!! I started reading this blog believing that someone (m or f) could not be sexually free while perusing a long term relationship. By reading ASV along with Hy, Dawn, and Madeline, I’ve come to understand much better. These posts demonstrate how it’s possible….but seemingly very hard.

    • Thank you Cheri. I may put them back, but for now, given I do hope perhaps there’s a chance he’ll come back… I’d rather leave them down for now until I can figure out if that’s a possibility. If he’s lost to me for good, then I will put them back up. They are all really really lovely.

      • I remember you shared your first texts and the banter between you two. He mentioned a name, probably a literary one & you responded in kind without breaking stride. I remember thinking I wouldn’t have known who the hell he was talking about. He was probably impressed that you did and told someone about that. He probably told them that in person you were even better. That you were truly well read, witty, beautiful with just the right amount of sexual mystery & intrigue. That was my impression of what you wrote. I knew you would get him. Bet that is what revealed your blog.

  15. I’m so sorry Ann. I’m revisiting an old wound with my partner right now over when sharing of information with third parties is right or not. I don’t have the answer. I do sense that especially for men who aren’t in the habit of communally processing their personal lives, to find this blog would, at first rush, be completely overwhelming. It doesn’t matter how positively you cast the person…. all of a sudden, they realize that they are on The Truman Show, and its hard to suss to what degree they are in your life to entertain your audience, what degree they are they to build something with you. He didn’t give his consent to be voyeured, even if he isn’t being voyeured even if his identity is protected. We (your audience) know that this isn’t your point, but someone who doesn’t know you that well may not get that. I think if you do hope to keep the door open to him, you did the right thing taking off the posts. Other people up there have more or less said the same thing, and maybe you see this, as well.

    • I agree, I can see it would be overwhelming. Especially depending what he read about me… even if he knew some of what I’d shared, seeing everything laid out like this may be too much.
      You’re right, he didn’t give his consent, which is why I take my privacy seriously and try to protect those I write about. I guess if truly some reader happened to know him, I should probably consider being more careful in the future about more of the identifying details. It just seems so implausible to me, though.

      I will keep the posts down until I know whether there’s any chance of his reconsidering.

  16. Ann, I’m so sorry. It seems so strange that a friend of his reads your blog and connected the dots. Harper seemed so promising. I hope if his friend is reading these comments that he/she shares them with Harper too!!

  17. While I think that Harper’s reaction is not consistent with the open-minded, sexually adventurous man he presented himself as, I can attest that it is very jarring to discover a blog like he did. After I started seeing my current partner, I discovered that he was a prominent sex blogger who had written 2 posts about me. I had become an avid sex blog reader and just stumbled across it. It was especially difficult because he had lied to me about whether he was seeing other people, but it led to serious discussions and a deepening of our relationship. Seven years later we have a great life together. Overall I think Harper’s reaction shows that he is not the man you thought he was.

    • The chances are insanely low that a reader who doesn’t know me in real life, knows him intimately enough to recognize him from my blog.
      I’m going to give him some time and see if anything can happen. I refuse to believe he’s completely lost to me.

  18. I follow your blog and this is my first comment. Very sorry about Harper and horrific way this went down. I think the friend who was charged with deliverying the champagne (but didn’t) may be your reader. Just enough detail with the brand of champagne and details may have been enough of an identifier, particularly when you reported that it wasn’t delivered as expected.
    My other thought is Harper was not as exploratory/kinky/open minded as he lead on. And embarrassed by what his friend knew. Which is not a good fit for you.

    • What I don’t like about that thought (which I had as well) is that this person might therefore have your address. Maybe you could just ask?

      Whoever it is, I really hope he is sorry about how things turned out in the end. Yes, I know it has been “only 2 dates”. I get that (s)he wanted to protect a friend, but s(he) also destroyed something that could have been something wonderful for the both of you.

      I wonder if s(he) reads all these comments and I wonder if Harper reads all these comments as well.

      If so, Ann is a wonderful person. And I admire her. So maybe give her a second chance 🙂

      • Thank you Amy!! I have no idea who the reader is and therefore no way to block their access. I too wonder if Harper is still reading and if his friend is still reading. He did say that the person doesn’t know who I am in real life, and I believe him.

    • Hi Sadie Lou. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Assuming what he told me is true, yes you’re right, it could be that the reader was someone who knew either some of those details, or who knew him intimately enough to recognize what I said about his Tinder profile or some of our discussions. It all seems so insanely unlikely.

  19. Obviously his loss. Clearly he is intimidated by a strong woman, not afraid to talk about her desires. Unfortunately that isn’t unusual for men, particularly men of a certain age.

    • Thank you Bill. I don’t think he’s intimidated by a strong woman and he certainly was open minded about the things I told him. I think it was truly his surprise at finding out he was being written about – it would be offputting for most people.

What do you think?