The more John tries, the more I back away

John had promised to chill out and stop talking about being exclusive and where things were going with us. I wasn’t convinced it could happen, but I wanted to give him a try.

It was now Tuesday. He managed to keep the text traffic to a minimum that day. He knew things were very busy for me at work. He didn’t have a job. I told him when I got home: I had Liam.

He sent a list of all the dates we were going to have by the end of the week, saying I should be in love with him about 20% by Friday. I knew he was trying to be funny, but it only served to make me feel that he really wasn’t listening to my ask of him to take things slow.

We’d made tentative plans for him to come over on Wednesday after Liam was asleep. We had a date set for Friday. I was getting progressively more convinced I’d need to actively pace things with him, to avoid him driving over the relationship cliff. I was also sincerely incredibly busy and very tired. I told him I’d make the call on Wednesday whether it would work for me, but I probably would need to have an early night since I was feeling the deep fatigue setting in.

He said it was fine, he’d just see me on Friday. I was relieved.

He said “You know I’m only kidding with all this. I know its very early and I have liked this time with you… I’m just learning to breathe again, I’m more than a bit of a mess. Maybe I’ll always be that kid no one wanted, forever on an island for lost toys and broken hearted boys. I’m not some needy guy, Ann…It’s just nice to be able to dream out loud about someone, I know it’s silly. It’s been some time since I let myself dream about anyone…I know there are 100 guys more together than me, who would be better for you…All I know is I could really love you. Go figure. ”

Perhaps I simply brought it out in him?

Then he apologized for his heavy text and asked me to delete it.

He sent more intense texts. I finally asked him to please write the texts somewhere else, stare at them, then not send them to me. I reminded him that the day before I’d asked if we could avoid doing a lot of navel gazing at this point. I told him of course he could do it, he could send me those texts, but I said they freaked me out to hear them. I said my reaction was to withdraw in the face of it, and I’d appreciate if he could water me bit by bit because I will drown if overwatered.

He told me he deleted the text history. It struck me as an odd way to deal with it. But whatever.

We moved to some flirting. He asked for a nude picture. I sent him a sexy but not naked photo I’d taken recently but hadn’t sent to anyone. He asked when it was from and I said it was recent. He said “so another boys photo?” which pissed me off. I told him it certainly wasn’t another boys photo. He told me I was beautiful.

At 9 pm he said “I decided I’m not going to ask you to be my girlfriend. You’re a liberated woman, you can ask me if you want me to be your boyfriend someday. I think that will work for us.”

“Finally,” I thought, “he gets it.” I was relieved.

It didn’t last.

Few texts later he was quoting Beyonce: “If you like it you’d better put a ring on it… I’m a single man…”

I said “you can’t say you’re cool with it then not be cool with it. I mean, say whatever you want but it’s confusing AS FUCK.”

His reply?

“Maybe you need to work for it. A girl can change her mind.”

“John, I fucking hate games.”

“No games. Girl, you are beautiful.”

“We should always work for something we want. But I don’t do anything to toy with you to get a specific reaction.”

“You know how I feel about you. You’re my woman, it’s done. No more talk. Girlfriend. I only cum in you.”

“John, I’m begging you. Please let’s not talk about relationships or who’s going to ask who to commit or when or putting rings on whenever or other boys or your lineup of other women…. this is the analyst asking you, no pleading with you, to not analyse or worry or plan anything much past seeing each other again.”

This should have been clear. I was on the verge of telling him that was it, I was done.

He said “Ok. You said a week, make it two.”

Was he fucking kidding me? I said he was driving me crazy with the love talk and the girlfriend-nope-changed-mind-not-girlfriend talk.

He said “Okay but don’t make me a fool. No other men. No others for me too.”

“John, you are all over the place with what you are telling me and asking me. Can you please just relax into this and not make demands and not worry about my intentions with you?”

“Okay other men. Okay other women. Deal.”

“You do what you need to do.”

“I don’t need anyone else. I’m good.”

“Then don’t be petulant.”




“I always said I want it all. Is it too much to ask? See you Friday. Fuck.”

“John, I need to stop texting now for the night. I had a brutal day. I can’t handle this additional pressure. I like you and want to see you and enjoy where this could go, but this back and forth is super stressing me out.”

“Sorry Ann. I’m so so sorry.”

“Okay, thank you.”

He didn’t stop texting. Later, he told me he’d deleted all of his texts again. He said, “If you only knew how wonderful you are you’d understand why I feel so much for you.”

But it was far too late for me to be open to any more romantic gestures from him. I said “John please stop. I like hearing the compliments but I have literally written the words I’M BEGGING YOU already tonight. It’s starting to feel like you can’t respect what I’m asking of you.”

The next morning (Wednesday) he sent a text at 6 am telling me he’d finally been able to cum (he hadn’t during any of the times we’d had sex) and asked if there was any way we could fit a visit in before our date on Friday. I reminded him I’d said just the day before I would make a call that day – but I knew there was no way I was going to be up to seeing him.

He asked whether we were spending the weekend together or if I had something booked for Saturday. I reminded him I had Liam so Friday night was my only free night. I was starting to wonder if he had a memory issue. He said, “Okay then I’ll make my own plans for the rest of the weekend.” Which only served to irritate me further because we were so far from the relationship status of dedicating our weekends to one another.

I was strongly considering calling the whole thing off.

41 thoughts on “The more John tries, the more I back away

  1. Poor dumb bastard……
    He’s got it bad, and that ain’t good.
    I feel his pain when I read the story….but he is doomed…
    Please let him down easy.

      • Obviously, I’m not observing directly, but it seems to be somewhat out of his control. I think he WANTS to comply but his anxiety, or (?) won’t let him.
        Dumb was not a good choice.. maybe helpless would be better….or hapless.

        • Hapless. Yes. There was something so frenetic about him… the frenzied back and forth changes of mind, the impulsive deletion of the texts as a way to erase what he’d said, etc etc. Hy had told me after HWSNBN that I needed to remember that the intensity and lack of impulse control had a dark side as well… someone who loves quickly and intensely can also freak out / hate that quickly as well. I’ve never forgotten that lesson.

  2. Hello Anne,

    Avid reader and very occasional commenter here.

    #1 thank you for sharing your story. It makes me think.

    #2 don’t ever forget you are a very rare creature. Finding a woman that can express herself sexually, that can admit to liking sex, wanting sex. Is a very very rare thing!

    It’s my thought that he has never run into a woman like you. He is confusing your sexual openness for “Love”

    Still think it’s not going to work out long term for the two of you. But these are the psychological ingredients that are at work here.

    • Thank you for commenting! What does it make you think about, out of curiosity?

      It’s hard to remember I’m a rare creature… I guess being in a sex blogging community makes me forget that’s not what it’s like for most women (or men.

      And yes, he may have mistaken those things. I tried to be really clear with him and gave him numerous chances to hear what I was saying and to course correct… but he simply couldn’t do it.

      • Hmmmm, “what does it make me think”. How to answer that without being to verbose.

        In its simplest iteration I’d say your blog makes me think about the state of gender relations. Why is it that you are rare in your sexual candor? Why would it be so transgressive for you to be “out” about what it is that you desire? Why is it “wrong” in this day and age for a woman to want / need sex?

        These are the sorts of things that your blog makes me think.

        A little back ground info for you. My personal tale is not dissimilar to yours. Male 50’s, failed marriage, far far more sexually open and adventurous later in life. Have been fortunate enough to meet my current partner and cohort in crime via online dating. 9 years later, we’re deeply in love, swing together and just generally have all sorts of regular and naughty fun together.

        Keep the faith sister!!! It really does happen. And, keep writing!!! Your tale needs to be heard!!!

  3. I don’t know how (or why) you hung in there so long. That degree of neediness and lack of respect for what you are asking for is troubling.

    • I knew after this point it wasn’t going to change, but to answer your question I think part of it was I wondered whether I was bringing it out in him and if he would be able to calm down at all. I was also highly stressed out with work so felt more irritable that normal – I was challenging myself as well to see whether that was part of it. It wasn’t, ultimately.

  4. Dayum, you have a ton of patience! Just reading that was exhausting and irritating to me. He doesn’t get it, and he’s not going to temper his behavior. He’s demonstrated that several times.

  5. Long time reader 1st time caller 😀 – this is reading like a script from single white female or fatal attraction

  6. Oh my! I Think the guy is mental! Ann, you would be better off just calling it quits on him. He’s not gonna change, someone who becomes that possessive this soon, something just isn’t right…

  7. You are only considering calling it off?! I would be running away at this point since there are so many red flags that something is off. Stay safe, Ann. Be alert.

    • At that point I was 99% sure there was no chance things would work between us. I needed a bit of time to process it – had I been writing about it as it was happening it honestly would have helped, because I would have seen it all in black and white. Thank you 🙂

  8. Wow. Girl, run, don’t walk away. I have scary red flags flashing here, the kind that end in danger. Just be careful here because this is a dude who’s language turns nasty when he finally realizes he’s pushed you away. Yikes.

What do you think?