Finally done with John.

It was Wednesday, and John did a decent job during the day of chilling out. He sent only a few texts about Friday’s plans. He said he was going to bring food, his guitar, and his favorite movie and I wouldn’t have to do a thing. It sounded pretty good.

He’d asked again whether he could come over that night, and I’d said I needed a quiet night. While it was true, it was also because I wanted – needed – to create some space between the two of us in the hopes he’d relax about things. I told him I’d chalked up the previous day’s texting debacle to temporary insanity.

I was putting Liam to bed and noticed a series of texts come in. John said “Fuck it I’m coming over to see you. I’ll just hop in the shower first.”I’d told him not a few hours prior that I needed a quiet night. This was starting to get really aggravating. I told him no. He said he just needed an hour “on top of me” and then right afterward, not giving me any time to reply, said “okay no worries. Friday is soon anyway.”

We spoke briefly on the phone when I was going to bed. I was aware that I was getting highly irritated and didn’t want to punish him unnecessarily.

Thursday he sent some pictures and texts mid-afternoon. There was a bit more over-the-top stuff but I was in intense meetings and didn’t see them until later. He asked if he could come over that night and I said no. He’d sent me a list of random, sexy, and funny things we should have on our “to do together” list. He then asked me which I liked… a reasonable question except I’d gone from all-day meetings to being in Mom mode.

I told him it would have to wait. When I finally replied later that night with the things on his list I liked, he replied that we “should plan Mexico soon if we want to go.”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

I said he perhaps has no filter or impulse control. I repeated what I’d said before about my discomfort with being pushed. That he seemed to hear me for a short while then would forget again. He said “don’t worry, the week I asked you for ends at midnight. Then the deal is off and you can do whatever you like. No pressure. Let’s take it one day at a time. Each new thing we do helps us decide. I have not decided on us yet either. Who knows.”

I didn’t believe him and found it difficult to think he believed himself. I said “If that’s actually what you believe then stop sending texts that imply otherwise. I don’t know how else to ask. I’ve asked you multiple times. I don’t think you’re listening or perhaps don’t understand/believe me when I tell you IT MAKES ME RETREAT.”

He said “Okay, here is the new deal. Each time we are together we enjoy it. If it leads to another time will be decided afterward. No plans, no expectations. Every kiss could be the last. Try that for two weeks and see if we are still seeing each other. All real dates, I don’t want to be your fuck buddy. Will this make you feel more at ease.”

It just made me mad. I told him to stop making deals with me.

We had our date on Friday night. It was actually nice. Except for the part where he told me he couldn’t date someone if they were having sex with other people. I explained yet again how I felt about relationships in the early days, why I saw it as a red flag when someone (him) seemed to be way far ahead. That while you may know there is potential, you simply can’t know whether a relationship will work with someone until you’ve spent some time with them.

He wanted to watch his favorite movie. I told him given it was well after 9 pm and if he wanted to watch the movie it would mean there wouldn’t be a whole lot of time for sex afterward. He decided to put the movie in. I fell asleep in his lap. I knew when I wasn’t all that excited about having sex with him that our time together was short-lived.

On the weekend, my Mom counseled me to give him a little bit of time – he was obviously smitten but might not know how to deal with a woman like me.

I lasted another week.

We had one more date. I found myself irritated most of the time and I knew it wasn’t going to get better. He was doing his best to be kind and nice to me, but the more he tried the less I wanted what he had to offer. He stayed overnight at my place, the sex was short and relatively unsatisfying. I was thinking of someone else the whole time.

I knew what I had to do. I met Harper the day after my date with John, and the stark contrast between my feelings for them cemented my decision. I’d already told John I wasn’t available on Saturday but he was texting and asking if we could get together. He called me, I told him I couldn’t continue with him since I wasn’t in the same place as he was. He was sad.

And in typical fashion, not much later he texted “You can change your mind. Take a week. See if you miss me. Or how much. Take a week of radio silence.”

But I’m having no more of his deals.

30 thoughts on “Finally done with John.

  1. OK. John’s had enough chances. Put the poor guy out of his misery so he can find someone more suited.

    NOW, let’s hear about Harper!

  2. BTW- I’m not stalking, I just happened to be reading comments from the last post when this one popped up.
    OK! I’m stalking…but just your blog!
    😇

  3. Wow. He just didn’t get it AT ALL. I would have been irritated with him constantly. Glad you’re finally done with John.

    • No, he didn’t get it. He didn’t listen and couldn’t deal with it. I was done being patient and giving him a chance because he failed to show any real ability to take what I needed into consideration. I was relieved to be done with him!

  4. Ha! Your blog seems to do something to my phone’s keyboard. It makes it disappear after I type the first letter. And since my finger is already moving on to the next letter, if that one is where the ´post comment’ button appears, then I post a non-sensical one letter comment. Ugh!

  5. And just the idea of him Talking about a Trip when he Doesn’t have a JOB or His Own place — Dreamer, Controller – Losah!

  6. Oh Ann, you put up with him for entirely too long. Sounds like he really has some issues that he can not handle.

    Don’t feel like you ever have to let someone down slowly, if you dont feel the same and they continue to do things you ask them not to do, or change a stance on things, then do what you have to do and end it. The sooner the better.

    Hopefully he will leave you alone now and he can come someone else to be enthralled with.

    • Thank you Keith, I appreciate the support. I do try to end things as soon as I know it for sure won’t work, but I lasted a little longer with John than I should have. I wanted to give him a chance… at least now I know 1000% he’s not right for me.

  7. John sounds like he has some insecurity issues and tried WAY too hard to be liked. Understandable given his current situation. But.. yes the repeated disregard for your wishes had me shaking my head a big fat no.

  8. Dude sounded like this mix of outwardly intelligent but inwardly extremely emotionally immature. Something really broken there. As much as he wanted this to be about worshipping you, it was totally about him. Your needs didn’t count in the least. In a sense, it didn’t even matter much what you said or didn’t say. You could have set up some kind of automated-response app and he would have gotten the same frisson from “you” as he did in real life. He reminds me a little of the boyfriend I had who was emotionally stunted in part from a lifetime of alcohol abuse (he was the sweet, doting alcoholic-type) who also couldn’t take no for an answer. This guy professed to be a great cook. It was clear that he loved to cook. When I had him over for dinner, he would always insist on taking over the kitchen and destroying it with one of his creative projects, even if I had a specific menu planned out. My menu would get edged out. He knew that I was pre-diabetic, and everything he cooked involved tons of high-glycemic index carbs and not much else. It was his way of showing me he loved me and was excited about me, even though I made it clear that his efforts made more work for me, and his food made me sick. He kept using my wooden counters as a cutting board even though I told him numerous times to use a cutting board… but he was so enthralled with this idea of cooking me something that I was powerless to stop him. When I broke up with him, he didn’t get it for a few months (especially as I made the mistake of trying to be his friend at first). Just so plain deluded. John reminds me of that. I am glad that you got him out of your hair. Sad when they start strong, but you see that the strength is just puppy-like adulation with comensuare puppy-like immaturity.

  9. I’ve read your tmblr quite a bit. There is a pattern developing with you. Its always the guys fault. John is just another example. “He failed to take into consideration what I needed”. Do you ever take into consideration what the guy needs? same with Derek. It was always about what you needed. Me, me, me. I am surprised men hang out with you for as long as they do. Were you spoiled as a child?

    • I don’t have a tumblr account so I presume you mean Instagram? I also don’t know who Derek is,
      I’ve never dated anyone by that name. But regardless, I can tell you I absolutely don’t see things as the guys fault all of the time. My decisions about whether someone is right for me are ultimately about our compatibility. When men aren’t right for me or we don’t want the same things I don’t frame it as “their fault”, it just is what it is. If anything, I’m told I’m too patient, too much of a diplomat, and too willing to put up with crap behavior. See: Tony, Alan, Kyle, for examples. How much of my blog have you actually read?

      • Since the majority of blogs I read are tumblr accounts, I thought yours was too. I meant Drew. I do not know why I typed Dereck. I read a good deal of your writing. My evaluation remains the same. Its always about “you”

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