I’m so bad at this part, I know it: dating communication gaps. I do a good job of leaving my anxiety where it belongs – on this blog and with my close girlfriends – but it exists and it drives me bananas. It’s not logical, it’s not really reflective of how I think about things, but it’s definitely a deep-seated trigger. I’m reading about attachment styles to understand it better.
A new commenter said – unfairly, in my opinion – that things are always the man’s fault with me. This is a case where I would argue Gregory has done nothing wrong. We’ve had one date and a bunch of communication since. He doesn’t have to reach out every day and I would never request it at this point. Hell, if there’s one thing I understand, it’s being busy.
But it doesn’t change the fact that a gap in communication triggers me.
It is difficult (but not impossible) to not project meaning or intention onto someone’s behavior.
If I’m not all that into someone, or once I decide they aren’t right for me, I’m not that fussed about my response times. I do try to set the person free as soon as I’ve made a decision they aren’t right for me. However, the last few weeks I’ve not had the mental capacity to write thoughtful texts to do so. There are still a couple to go.
But generally speaking, I’m a thoughtful and responsive communicator. I don’t want anyone to suffer the doubt I’ve felt. If I like someone, I want them to be secure in that knowledge. I don’t play games and make them wait before I reply.
But I’m not over the top, I can’t text all day every day. I like to have a reasonable pace of communication.
I’m also exceedingly considerate. I would never leave a conversation mid-sentence, or if I had to, the moment I came back I would say “oh sorry about that” or some such thing.
If I happen to fall asleep mid-conversation (which frankly, I’ve never done, but I know several men who do) the moment I wake up I would text. And if that was the next morning, it wouldn’t matter how busy I was… I would text.
Even if it was while making a coffee, or getting my cottage cheese out of the fridge, or even… peeing… I would send the fucking text.
When I like someone, or think I could really like someone, that’s how I roll.
So it’s very difficult for me to wrap my head around it when someone doesn’t, and still think they are into me. Because if I don’t text you back when you’ve left a question out there, it often means I’ve made a decision to not text you right away.
Sometimes I’m in meetings, or I’m with my son Liam so I can’t, but I let men know up front that my schedule often means I can’t reply right away. But I will text between meetings even if just to say “hey in meetings will reply later.”
Monday night, Gregory and I had planned to see each other. He was traveling back from another city. I didn’t hear from him during the day but didn’t think much of it; I knew he’d be driving. At 5 pm I texted “Happy Monday 🙂 – just checking in about tonight when you get a moment.” At 6:30 he replied that he got home later than expected because the weather was bad.
He asked if we could postpone until Wednesday. He said he was exhausted from the trip and had nodded off on his couch. I said “sure, no problem. Of course, I was eager to see him, but I was tired and needed to work. It was completely fine with me. Had he just canceled without mention of a reschedule, it would have sent a different message.
We exchanged several more texts, I said I was glad he got back safe because I wanted to get to date #2, and then…
He never replied. Not later that evening, or the next morning, or during the day.
My gut said he was into me, but it didn’t jive with how I interpreted his behavior. Because if it was me, I would have texted the moment I roused myself from the couch (I never fall asleep on the couch, but in theory…) or the next morning when I woke up. I would have said “sorry about last night! I have a bananas day but will text you later tonight.”
But nope. Maybe it’s just me. Ever the diplomat, as Hy calls me.
Later that night I texted a group chat of girlfriends to vent. And of course, as they commiserated with me about men being doofuses when it comes to communication, I got a text from Gregory: “Oh Ann hope you had a great day. Sorry about last night, I was totally exhausted and crashed hard.”