catfish

They aren’t catfish, Part 2

Part One – being catfished

A couple of days of texting later, I asked whether he wanted to meet for a coffee or drink. He said yes, but he didn’t “really know” where I was. When I said my precise location didn’t matter, he called me “miss spy”. We made plans to meet after work that Friday, and our texting for the next day was perfectly normal.

That was Tuesday.

He didn’t text again.

On Saturday, the day after our supposed date, I texted “what happened to us going out yesterday after work” and he replied the next day “I don’t know, I never heard back you disappeared for two days.” He said he wanted to try again.

Now I was really curious about this man who seemed totally off by text but fine on the phone. I fully expected nothing to come of it. I’d experienced enough weirdness that my gut suspected we were never going to meet in person.

On Sunday, he said we would set something up.

He didn’t text again.

I was now playing with him. Five days later, on Friday, I said: “so…when are we going to ‘set it up’?”

He asked again where I worked, and I was slightly more specific than before. He said he worked nearby, which was different than what he said before. When I inquired, he said he worked at a different location on Friday’s. I suggested we could meet for a drink after work since we were so close. He said, “okay I will see what time I finish, gorgeous.”

We had some admittedly fun banter off and on for the next couple of hours. We’d agreed to meet around 8 pm after I’d met up with some girlfriends.

At 3 pm he said, “I am stuck at work late.”

I replied asking how late was late, and he never replied.

When I was finished with my friends, just before 9 pm, I texted asking if he was still working. No reply.

The next morning I woke up to see he’d texted “no” at 2:30 am and then “yes” at 10 am. When I asked him what happened he said he got stuck at work and then his nephew called.

Right.  I asked him if he wanted to talk on the phone.

No reply.

Five hours later he said, “got tired had a nap”.

I asked him what he was up to that night. He said he was going to a masquerade downtown. He said he was wearing a tux but wasn’t on a date: he was invited by the company given some of the work he used to do.

At 9 pm, I asked him to send me a picture. At 10 pm, he said he will wait to take one. He then said he would take one “in a minute” and asked for one of me. I sent him a face pic from a haircut I’d gotten earlier that day.

He sent me another stale picture, then told me I had “hot lips and hair.”

He said, “I am curious to hear how you talk at some point.”

Oh for the love of Christ.

“We’ve spoken on the phone,” I replied.

“I know, but up close.”

This guy had an answer for everything.

I asked him for a picture again.

He tried to steer the conversation to one of a sexual nature and I was having none of it. I told him he only got the goodies after we met.

Imagining him at a table with other guests, I asked him for a picture of his view, if he couldn’t take one of himself.

He sent me a picture saying it was a “promo video in the dark”. If he was in a banquet hall, it had the lowest ceilings I’d ever seen. There were no lighted tables in the background. I’d put money on it being his big television in his basement.

I asked him where the event was and he told me a different location then when I first asked. He kept trying to get me to engage in a sexual discussion about what would happen if I was there with him, while I wanted to see how far I could push him to show me himself before he just shut down again.

I asked him to send me a better picture and he sent me another old one. He said “your turn”, telling me he’d send me one of him in his tuxedo when the lights turn on. Sure. He asked for a picture again.

He said, “if your hair was wet and gently draped down your back it would look gorgeous I’m sure.”

Hair fetish, maybe? Is that what I was dealing with?

I asked him if he had a thing for hair. He said, “I am a hair guy, amongst other things, but we don’t discuss those, and do you have another pic.”

I told him I was feeling uncomfortable and didn’t want to have such a sexually laden conversation. He said he understood totally.

We’d now been communicating somewhat steadily for three hours. He never took a pause to drive to his “event”. Never found 2 mins to snap a selfie. And at 11 pm, when I added it was because I didn’t know him and had never met him that I wasn’t willing to have that kind of conversation with him, he said he understood.

I asked him for a “penguin pic”, referencing an earlier comment he’d made about looking like a penguin. He never replied.

The next morning I woke up to a text he’d sent at 4:36 am: “I would hate to overly sexualize the conversation with that.”

It all fit the pattern I’d experienced before. When I wouldn’t give him what he wanted, he stopped trying. Then became sarcastic and mean.

I said “I see. I don’t know why you’re lying and what your issue is, but it’s too bad.” I went on to say he was obviously smart but there were too many red flags, and said if all he wanted was a hot chat perhaps he try Adult Friend Finder where he could get that in spades.

I closed with “don’t screw around with women who genuinely want to meet someone. Most aren’t experienced enough to know when they’re being played. It’s cruel.”

And I knew there was no point. I knew I was right, and I knew that he would never say “wow Ann you’re so right about me, I’m a predatory jerk! Thank you!” but it made me feel better sending the text.

It didn’t last. His reply made me mad: “I am none of those things. And you are not being played. But when I meet someone who demands pictures then says they don’t want to sexualize a conversation and never return the same courtesy then I think why is this person single, perhaps they are not well-adjusted. After that rant then perhaps its that. Enjoy your loneliness you are dismissed.”

I blocked him on Tinder and my burner app and reminded myself my gut doesn’t let me down.


Image from the 1945 Hitchcock movie “Spellbound”

41 thoughts on “They aren’t catfish, Part 2

  1. He was a pic collector. I’m surprised you engaged with him so long–I found him so creepy. I get that you have a curiosity about how things will play out, but sending him pics and info about you seems risky. I know you are careful, but still….

    • He’d already seen my face on Tinder, so I didn’t give him anything more than that from a pics perspective. I use a burner app for that very reason, so no creep ends up with a phone number that can be tied to me at all.

      And yes, I told him the neighborhood I lived and work but being in a big city, it didn’t give him anything he could have traced to me.

      I think he wanted pictures of long blonde hair (ew) and he wanted to talk about sexually charged scenarios. I wasn’t giving him that.
      Totally creepy. But talking to him on the phone threw me because he seemed so normal. Then after he couldn’t show up to meet me after work I knew he was a creep and was intellectually curious how it was going to play out.

  2. I wouldn’t have given him as much time as you did- What an Asshole!
    Next time that happens maybe play along with them – that’s what I do. Then I block.

    • I think I did play along to a point, but I wasn’t going to give him more pictures and definitely not going to have that kind of sexual talk with him.

      And yes, he was blocked on Tinder and on my burner app the moment I sent him that last message.

  3. Not sure what a catfish is supposed to be, but he was definitely a dickhead.
    Glad you could see it, glad you told him about it. His reaction, trying to shift the blame back on you? That’s manipulative behaviour too. A true asshole.
    I’m wondering, is there any way for you to report to Tinder that a man so deviates from his profile? Just to protect other women from his predatory behaviour? Once he has a face pic and knows where you live, God only knows what he can do!

    • He doesn’t know where I live, just the neighborhood (and it’s a big city area), and without a last name or a real phone number he can’t find me.

      Unfortunately this kind of catfish (and the other two men I recently encountered) don’t fall into the same category for reporting them on a dating site. He wasn’t using someone else’s pictures, he didn’t harass me on the site, and there wasn’t anything he did wrong – lots of people want to exchange pictures and sexy chats.

      If asked by Tinder, he’d just say he changed his mind about meeting me and that’s why it never worked. He is absolutely misrepresenting his intentions on the site, but I’m not sure that’s enough for them to do anything.

      • I know YOU are safe, and am thankful for that!
        I was just extrapolating to other, less savvy women. And feeling sorry for them. I know it’s probably difficult for Tinder to do something about it. But I’m thinking, possibly with all this new wave of ‘awareness’ about women being harrassed, it may be as good a time as any, or probably better, to attempt to get Tinder to react. I’m just glad I never had to use those apps! 🙂

  4. He sounds like he’s got a pea brain and the memory of a.. well idk, but he’s definitely a lying sack of poo.
    It always gets me when they ask where I work. Ha! Like I’m going to give them that information!
    I swear if I ever get asked that again I’ll say, you first!

    • Well, he told me the company he worked for and his job (not exact title, but the type of role he has). He could have been lying.

      I wasn’t going to tell him the company I worked for, no way!!

      I suspect he is married and deletes his chat histories so nothing shows up on his phone. Therefore when someone texts him he doesn’t know all of the details. Could be wrong, but that’s what seems to fit.

  5. I hate to laugh at your expense, but damn. I wonder if he will message in a few days like this didn’t happen and ask for a pic of your hair.

      • *laugh* Seriously.

        It would have been really funny to go “No. YOU’RE dismissed!” and see if you could get into the kind of back and forth that three year olds have with the ultimate closer being:

        “AND ANYWAY YOU’RE A POOPY HEAD!”

        *laughs and laughs*

        I’m really surprised you have ANY intellectual curiosity about these arseholes. I mean, there are just so many and they’re all the same.

        Ferns

        • I haven’t had that many catfish type experiences in the last couple of years… I guess I wanted to prove to myself I was right. And yes would have been great to end up calling him a poopy head 😂

  6. God, what an asshole! I can’t even believe he had the nerve to turn it around on you and make it sound like you’re the one with the issues when you’d been such a good sport the entire time. You have a lot more patience than I do.

What do you think?