Sorry Ann, I need to get my shit together.

Bruce’s eventual response to my text suggesting he stay overnight to avoid having to drive back and forth tonight:

Ann

I don’t know how to say this … so I’m just gonna say it 

I can’t see anyone right now 

I’m too stressed 

I need to get my life together before I add people to it.

I am depressed … anxious… don’t feel like being around anyone right now. 

Sorry Ann

I need to get my shit together

Sigh.

If I was forced to choose, I’d rather he set me free than keep trying, making promises, and consistently letting me down.

But I don’t want to be set free.

It’s difficult for me to relate to his situation. Yes, I’ve been in a place where I’m not ready for a relationship. I knew I needed some time to play around, figure out what I needed and what I liked.

But I’ve never been in the kind of survival mode Bruce is in. I’m exceedingly fortunate to not have money issues. I’ve had a six-figure income since I was thirty, so don’t live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t suffer from clinical depression or anxiety. My ex and I dealt with our separation insanely quickly and while we had our disagreements, we were both very over each other and our marriage.

Bruce is dealing with all three of those issues.

All that to say, I have no first-hand experience with being in survival mode and meeting a potentially “right” someone. I keep thinking Bruce’s inability to fit me into his life must be rooted in his not seeing me as someone with potential.

But I don’t think that’s the case. I’ve talked to a couple of people who have been in similar survival modes, and they tell me during that time, there was no way they could have made space for a relationship, even if they met someone amazing.

It’s admittedly hard for me to reconcile, but I’m working on it.

I haven’t spoken to him yet. I asked whether he’d consider seeing me in person so we could talk about it. But I guess there’s nothing more for him to say. I just wanted to see him and hug him and try to figure out whether we should just cease all communications or perhaps stay in loose contact.

I also suppose none of that matters.

He hasn’t replied to my texts, anyway.

I doubt he’d say “never contact me again”. Then again, I’m pretty sure he wants to avoid pressure and demands and the feeling of letting someone down. It would be admittedly hard for me to talk to him and not ask whether he’s making progress, constantly checking in on “ready yet?” Which wouldn’t be good for me (because this could take a while) or him (because who wants to be faced with that?).

I’ve hardly integrated myself into his life, I doubt he would even miss my virtual and aural presence.

It’s at this point I want to stomp my foot and yell “DON’T IGNORE ME”, but I have to appreciate he’s said what he needs to say. There’s no argument to come from me, no convincing. I do hope he will call, so I can tell him he can reach out anytime and I wish him the best. I do want to ask if he’d be open to me reaching out now and then.

If he doesn’t call, I will send it by text.

… and will wonder if one day he comes back into my life in any meaningful way.

17 thoughts on “Sorry Ann, I need to get my shit together.

  1. Sounds to me like he’s telling you in the best way possible that he wants to be left completely alone. I think I’d let it go and when and if he contacts you, you can decide at that time how you wish to handle it.

      • That’s what I mean, you’ve had very few in person meetings. This is not a loss for you at all. Let him figure out his shit the way he wants and move on. This is not the guy you want.

        • Sure it’s a loss. He’s someone who intellectually captivated me, whom I also had a terrific physical connection with. He proved to be a really good man. I’ve not found too many men like that. So while yes, I wasn’t in love and we weren’t far down the path, it’s still a loss of potential.

  2. I also think it’s his way of telling you “don’t put any more pressure on me”
    However, with my history, my feeling is that he probably doesn’t feel worthy of anyone either and he may not even imagine that a woman could just want to tell him she still considers him a decent human, wants to hug him goodbye and that he can reach back whenever he’s ready. You won’t necessarily wait around, but will be happy to hear from him.

    It doesn’t change much to your sadness about the loss of a potential relationship (which I can relate to through the loss of potential life/baby I had to go through).
    But it may change a lot to his life.

    Good luck grieving about this, or handling this non-rejection but still-disappointment phase.
    Hugs

  3. Ugh. I’m sorry it turned out this way but I’m glad that he was upfront and didn’t drag things out.
    It really does suck when you can see and feel such good potential but they are not in a place where it’s ready to be realized. I do think you will hear from him again at some point.

  4. I’m at a loss for words with this tonight. Just know I’m thinking of you, and am convinced that soon(a subjective term) you’ll be able to cash in some of the Karma you’ve banked. Just in the time I’ve been following you’ve displayed enough concern for others….even when they have not deserved it.

    Be patient.

  5. I’m sorry this happened but at least he let you know. I would not text him unless you write something like “thanks for letting me know and if, in the future, things change please reach out again” and then no more contact. Just my two cents.

  6. Sorry to hear that. My separated guy came back after his “survival mode”. I didn’t take him back mainly because I’d moved on already. I’m pretty sure Bruce will too. Best thing is to give him a lot of space. Anything else will push him away. I’m pretty sure he will come back. The great thing is that you didn’t invest a lot of time in him. Dust yourself off and find someone in a good place in his life.

What do you think?