I am not happy. I am angry and sad and hurt. I know it won’t last, but rejection in any aggregate form is really difficult. I suppose by now I should be used to the peaks and valleys of dating, but as much as my brain knows it, it still takes my heart by surprise.
First, there was Jack. Thank you, Maggie, for the parable…I’m still carrying him in my head and need to get him out. It hasn’t helped that Liam has been away so I’ve only seen him once in three weeks. My child is a huge help for having my head in the right place.
I was behind on posts about Ray but now I’m sure it’s worth catching up. We had three dates in total and many more conversations. He would greet me in the morning via text and ask to call me to say goodnight. It was nice. He was nice. The chemistry wasn’t mind blowing but it was good enough to keep going to see how things progressed.
Cognizant of his quirks and the things he’d told me about his life which I thought could be indicators we wouldn’t be a good match, I was content to take my time and just see where things went. He told me he wasn’t dating anyone else, it wasn’t his style, but quickly followed up that it was none of his business yet whether I was.
So unlike Jack, I wasn’t backed into a corner with making any decisions. It was chill.
We went to an evening event this past week. He lives outside our downtown core, where the event was held, so decided to take a commuter train in to avoid traffic. After the event, he came back to my place which is about 20 minutes from downtown. I’d had a very tough day at work with one of my team, and was unfortunately also thinking about Jack. It’s incredibly rare, but I couldn’t get out of my head.
Poor Ray is all about my pleasure and he couldn’t get me to squirt. I told him I had too much on my mind. I became overstimulated and had to ask him to stop. He didn’t want to have penetrative sex at that moment, so we just lay in bed with my head on his chest, and I fell asleep. Shortly after he decided it was time for him to go. I asked if he would take an Uber, then realized he can’t because he doesn’t have a smartphone. But he said he would take a taxi.
At that hour, it should take about 30 minutes for him to get home. But he changed his mind and decided to take public transit.
The next day I didn’t receive my customary good morning greeting. I said good morning and didn’t hear back, so a couple of hours later asked if he encountered a gang of thugs on his way home. He replied and said nope, and getting home was painless.
I apologized to him via text for not being in the moment with him the night before. He knew what was going on with work so figured he’d understand. A couple of hours later he said it was fine. Then, a few hours later he sent:
“I really enjoy exploring with you because you are confident in what you enjoy….I enjoy intercourse sex but exploring new things with someone confident is more satisfying right now. Going home last night I had to self-examine if I could see myself making a relationship commitment with you given your distance and I can’t. Knowing we both enjoy the duality of a relationship with the open-minded sexual component, I owe it to you to tell you. Last night seeing your excitement and joy when you received Liam’s letter and read it was truly a moment that cemented what a beautiful person you are.”
It was nice to read the compliments but I was genuinely confused about what he meant about “our distance”. Surely he didn’t mean the physical distance between our homes – 25 miles / 40 kilometers? But yes, that’s exactly what he meant. On our weekend date he sat on the highway because part of it was closed. He could have known that and gone another way if he had a fucking phone. And going home from our latest date? He probably added an hour to his travel time because he didn’t take a taxi – and I don’t think it was a financially motivated decision.
We haven’t spoken on the phone since that exchange. He confirmed that he enjoys my company and having sex with me, but it will only be more casual because of “our distance”.
Honestly, as annoying as I find the rationale, it served to confirm the things that were in my head… those yellow or maybe red flags I wrote about, which told me his life is perhaps too narrow for me.
The third rejection was the as yet unnamed man I met on POF when I met Jack. We’d had an amazing phone conversation and a decent first date. I didn’t feel amazing physical chemistry and we didn’t kiss, but we had a lot in common and I was looking forward to our next date.
However, he is dealing with a lot in his life right now – settling two estates of family members, negotiating a divorce, a new house, and work related things – and I knew he wasn’t going to be super available.
Last week, the day after my conversation with Jack, I received a text message which said he was sorry but he wasn’t going to be able to set a date to meet with me because he was simply too busy with life to date. He said perhaps when his dust settles we will cross paths again. I said thank you for being honest and I hoped we’d get the chance at a second date.
He’d told me he’d hidden his POF profile, which is true, but on POF you can still interact with people who have messaged you and those in your favorites list when you are hidden. Sure enough, he’s been on POF every day that I’ve logged in. So the message I receive – even if its not the one he actually wants to send – is it’s not true he’s too busy to date, but he’s too busy to date me.
So I wasn’t right for Jack (and yeah, I know based on everything I’ve learned, he’s not right for me either, but I really liked him). I live too far for Ray who lives not far away at all, which has me doubting whether that’s actually the real reason. And I’m just not appealing enough for the other guy to keep me on his priority list while he sorts out his life.
Rejection fucking sucks.