Three rejections does not a happy Ann make.

I am not happy. I am angry and sad and hurt. I know it won’t last, but rejection in any aggregate form is really difficult. I suppose by now I should be used to the peaks and valleys of dating, but as much as my brain knows it, it still takes my heart by surprise.

First, there was Jack. Thank you, Maggie, for the parable…I’m still carrying him in my head and need to get him out. It hasn’t helped that Liam has been away so I’ve only seen him once in three weeks. My child is a huge help for having my head in the right place.

I was behind on posts about Ray but now I’m sure it’s worth catching up. We had three dates in total and many more conversations. He would greet me in the morning via text and ask to call me to say goodnight. It was nice. He was nice. The chemistry wasn’t mind blowing but it was good enough to keep going to see how things progressed.

Cognizant of his quirks and the things he’d told me about his life which I thought could be indicators we wouldn’t be a good match, I was content to take my time and just see where things went. He told me he wasn’t dating anyone else, it wasn’t his style, but quickly followed up that it was none of his business yet whether I was.

So unlike Jack, I wasn’t backed into a corner with making any decisions. It was chill.

We went to an evening event this past week. He lives outside our downtown core, where the event was held, so decided to take a commuter train in to avoid traffic. After the event, he came back to my place which is about 20 minutes from downtown. I’d had a very tough day at work with one of my team, and was unfortunately also thinking about Jack. It’s incredibly rare, but I couldn’t get out of my head.

Poor Ray is all about my pleasure and he couldn’t get me to squirt. I told him I had too much on my mind. I became overstimulated and had to ask him to stop. He didn’t want to have penetrative sex at that moment, so we just lay in bed with my head on his chest, and I fell asleep. Shortly after he decided it was time for him to go. I asked if he would take an Uber, then realized he can’t because he doesn’t have a smartphone. But he said he would take a taxi.

At that hour, it should take about 30 minutes for him to get home. But he changed his mind and decided to take public transit.

The next day I didn’t receive my customary good morning greeting. I said good morning and didn’t hear back, so a couple of hours later asked if he encountered a gang of thugs on his way home. He replied and said nope, and getting home was painless.

I apologized to him via text for not being in the moment with him the night before. He knew what was going on with work so figured he’d understand. A couple of hours later he said it was fine. Then, a few hours later he sent:

“I really enjoy exploring with you because you are confident in what you enjoy….I enjoy intercourse sex but exploring new things with someone confident is more satisfying right now. Going home last night I had to self-examine if I could see myself making a relationship commitment with you given your distance and I can’t. Knowing we both enjoy the duality of a relationship with the open-minded sexual component, I owe it to you to tell you. Last night seeing your excitement and joy when you received Liam’s letter and read it was truly a moment that cemented what a beautiful person you are.”

It was nice to read the compliments but I was genuinely confused about what he meant about “our distance”. Surely he didn’t mean the physical distance between our homes – 25 miles / 40 kilometers? But yes, that’s exactly what he meant. On our weekend date he sat on the highway because part of it was closed. He could have known that and gone another way if he had a fucking phone. And going home from our latest date? He probably added an hour to his travel time because he didn’t take a taxi – and I don’t think it was a financially motivated decision.

We haven’t spoken on the phone since that exchange. He confirmed that he enjoys my company and having sex with me, but it will only be more casual because of “our distance”.

Honestly, as annoying as I find the rationale, it served to confirm the things that were in my head… those yellow or maybe red flags I wrote about, which told me his life is perhaps too narrow for me.

::

The third rejection was the as yet unnamed man I met on POF when I met Jack. We’d had an amazing phone conversation and a decent first date. I didn’t feel amazing physical chemistry and we didn’t kiss, but we had a lot in common and I was looking forward to our next date.

However, he is dealing with a lot in his life right now – settling two estates of family members, negotiating a divorce, a new house, and work related things – and I knew he wasn’t going to be super available.

Last week, the day after my conversation with Jack, I received a text message which said he was sorry but he wasn’t going to be able to set a date to meet with me because he was simply too busy with life to date. He said perhaps when his dust settles we will cross paths again. I said thank you for being honest and I hoped we’d get the chance at a second date.

He’d told me he’d hidden his POF profile, which is true, but on POF you can still interact with people who have messaged you and those in your favorites list when you are hidden. Sure enough, he’s been on POF every day that I’ve logged in. So the message I receive – even if its not the one he actually wants to send – is it’s not true he’s too busy to date, but he’s too busy to date me.

::

So I wasn’t right for Jack (and yeah, I know based on everything I’ve learned, he’s not right for me either, but I really liked him). I live too far for Ray who lives not far away at all, which has me doubting whether that’s actually the real reason. And I’m just not appealing enough for the other guy to keep me on his priority list while he sorts out his life.

Rejection fucking sucks.

31 thoughts on “Three rejections does not a happy Ann make.

  1. Oh I feel you on this. Rejection is just part of dating. It toughens your skin, but you can’t let it harden your heart. Dita Von Teese said something along the lines of “you may be the juiciest peach, but some people won’t like peaches.”
    It’s okay. That’s how we weed out the crap.

  2. Smart, empowered, confident women intimidate the heck out of many (most) men. These guys all seem to me exactly that type of man. I know it is trite, but it clearly is not you. It is them.

  3. Empathy “like” there. I should be used to it but it hurts (at different levels) each time. Sorry this is happening now and hope it rebounds in a positive way soon!

  4. I sometimes get rejected too. We all do. yes it stings for a bit, but we soon get over it. That’s when I just say F it, and go hang with some fun GF’s instead. Helps to hash it out with trusted friends.
    And truly it’s not you. Someday you’ll find one that does have time in his life for you and makes you a priority.

    • I’m okay with Ray and the other guy because it wasn’t like I was convinced they were for me. Definitely not the latter; we’d hate one date. Ray is still willing to have something casual me, which I will consider because he was fun. But Jack… man that’s a tough one.
      I look forward to having Liam back home!

  5. It seems as if many of the guys “looking” on these sites really aren’t ready for any sort of commitment at all? They’re just, well… looking. I don’t know how you’d even begin to sort out the flowers from the weeds. It’s not like you can hang out a sign saying “Nice guys only, no douches.” Or can you? I think most women generally know what they want, when they want it. Men on the other hand can rarely handle more than one food item on their plate, I’ve noticed. It’s too challenging. Bad day at work? Then no intimacy at home or fun with the kids. Family illness? Then work suffers. Marital issues? Everything goes to hell. I think women are capable of multi-tasking far better than men. Must be a hormonal thing. Have patience and do some you things. Somewhere out there is a guy wondering if he’ll ever find YOU.

    • Thank you!!
      I do think women can be as bad as men on the sites – using them as an ego boost, etcetera. I’m not sure about the multitasking, I’ve certainly heard it a ton and I wonder if it’s been proven that men suck at it?

      • I think they are driven, at least most of them. When failure strikes, men seem lost and unable to carry on, let alone move ahead in life. They are always looking back to past relationships. Also it strikes me how many men I’ve known are unable to walk and chew gum at the same time, so to speak. Yet women can keep house, look after their children and their insane schedules these days, and have a full-time job as well. Not even to mention have dinner on the table, keep up with the laundry and do the weekly grocery shopping. Men I’ve known are such damn pussies they hardly can even find the cutlery in their own home.

  6. This may sound like bullshit, but maybe the three rejections is the universe doing you a huge favor. These guys all sound like square pegs that you may have been forcing into a round hole. ( Yes, pun entirely intended) If things had advanced longer and further with any of them your heartbreak when things didn’t work out could have been much worse. Also checking if someone is on POF every day is probably bad for your psyche. Maybe give that a rest for a bit. Also, as incredible as we all think we are, none of us are everyone’s cup of tea. Don’t worry about the current stretch of bad luck because that’s all it is.

    • I agree it’s for the best. I won’t lie about being disappointed about Jack but he showed me his true colors – better sooner than later.
      And to clarify, I wasn’t checking POF every day to check on that other guy, it was that I could see he’d been online each of the days I’d been there. He is in my favorites list and it automatically shows. I agree completely it’s not good to check up on people.

      • I didn’t think you were checking every day to check on him. I figured it was just on the course of your normal routine. For your own sanity it might be good to give yourself a break from that right now.

  7. Maybe you should start asking questions about what’s going on with these dudes before you even agree to date them. Seems like you’ve been finding a whole bunch of guys with issues they need to sort out and they shouldn’t even be trying to date anyone.

    • I hear you. With Jack I was doubtful that someone could be “over” a relationship like he said, but I was over my marriage before I moved out so I could relate. And in what he said to me he seemed so – done.
      With the unnamed one I think Ferns is right; while he’s rather busy he’s just not all that into me. And Ray was cool, just far too different it would seem… or by willing to put in driving distance for me.
      I am much better than I used to be about getting ahead of myself with men. I’m not assuming too much about a relationship when is the very early days. But Jack fooled me big time.

  8. Rejection DOES suck, there’s no getting around it :(. But in truth that’s all dating is: A string of rejections (on one or both sides) until you find someone compatible. It doesn’t make anyone a douche.

    It sounds like these are good men who aren’t feeling it and I think that giving ‘a reason’ is what good men try and do because they want to be kind: They just aren’t used to saying ‘I don’t think we’re compatible’ or ‘I’m just not feeling it’. It would be nice, I guess, if they just said that, but no-one teaches us how to elegantly say ‘nah’ to someone.

    My point: Whatever they say, the underlying truth is simply ‘I don’t think we’re compatible’ and that’s cool. God knows I’ve done it enough times with good (even great) men with whom I feel pretty much nothing. I know you have also.

    Either way, I know the feels suck, but if you can internalise that,
    it might such a little less *hugs*.

    Ferns

    • Thanks Ferns. With the unnamed guy I absolutely agree that’s what’s going on – he let me down easy. With Ray, I think the distance really is an issue for him given the other stuff I’ve learned – we are so very different and yeah, I’m just not the right one for him.
      But I no longer think Jack is a good man. He likes the chase and to be in control. He wooed me HARD, wanted exclusivity right away, said amazing things to me about me and our connection, and then one of two things happened. He realized he wasn’t all that into me after all and just couldn’t say it. So he lied to get me and lied to let me go. OR he did genuinely realize he wasn’t ready and was messed up about his ex girlfriend. Which means he’s lying to whoever he’s now wooing online. I’m inclined to believe the first scenario. Blech.
      So yeah, I don’t think the first two are douchebags. Not even close. But Jack is a different story for me… but I also know I could be a tad blinded by the hurt.
      xo

  9. Oh Ann, if only I had your life…It’s been WAY too long since I’ve had a decent date and even longer since I’ve had sex…I miss it terribly and as you read in my last post, I’m struggling…You have had more time with men these last couple of months that I have had in YEARS…I know you will have a decent date sooner than me so stay strong…

    • I’m sorry you’re not in a good place Lisa understand how frustrating it can be.
      I am in no way complaining about a lack of good men or not being able to meet someone, and I certainly hope my writing doesn’t come across that way.
      I keep putting myself out there and know I risk this kind of shit happening. But I believe in risk-reward.
      I do hope things can turn around for you soon. I’m always around if you want to talk. xo

  10. While loath anyone must be to counter the established authority of the eminent Ms. Ferns…let’s ride:

    “Unnamed Guy”
    Gracious decliner?
    Bah—schmuck devoid of taste, ignoramus to quality.

    “Ray”
    Genteel idiosyncrat?
    Feh—squirrelly provincial yutz.

    “Jack”
    Benign, if maladroit, recuser?
    Oh, hell no—terminally monomaniacal dreykop and (to quote the late William Safire) “congenital prevaricator.”

    So, while true that rejecting others in dating does, indeed, not inherently “make anyone a douche,” it certainly provides boundless opportunity for philistines, neurotics and trash-eaters to practice their dubious crafts.

What do you think?