We spoke. It’s over.

After almost 36 hours of complete silence, Jack finally texted me back. I’d sent a text saying “good morning, when can we talk today?” and he replied with “We can speak around 4 or after 10 tonight. Have a great day.”

I didn’t reply with what I wanted to say (“Have a great day? Seriously?”) but simply said, “4 it is”.

It was difficult to focus at work and I resented him for deliberately (yes, it was) leaving me hurt and anxious.

And when I picked up the phone, this is what he said:

“Ann, I’m not over my last girlfriend. 

I thought I was, but I can’t get her out of my head. 

I’m not ready for a relationship. 

I can’t get my head into it, and clearly, I’m also having physical issues too. 

The physical issues have never happened to me before, never.”

I asked him how long he’d known. He said he realized last week. I asked him why he’d gone online if he wasn’t ready, and he said:

“I thought I was ready. I thought I could trick myself, and it wasn’t true. 

I don’t want this to carry on. I don’t want to hurt you more than I probably already have. I’m in a shitty place right now. I don’t want to replace one thing with another.”

“Was that all I was?” I asked, “a gap-filler for you? You know, I chose you every single day we were together. You weren’t a default for me, Jack, and can you honestly say the same is true for you?”

“I’m sorry that this happened. I totally meant everything I said to you. But I just…I can’t…my heart isn’t open. I can’t do it. It’s wrong. Would I want to call you again when I’m healed – when I’m through this? Yes – one hundred percent.”

I told him what really hurt was his silence since we’d been together on Saturday. Knowing I was at a memorial service for a friend, I explained I expected he would show empathy and reach out, at least a quick text. His not doing that, leaving me then hurt and anxious, was what really stung.

“I know, I’m sorry. I’ve been lost in my own world of misery, regret, whatever it is. As cool and awesome as you are, I wasn’t thinking about you. I was thinking about me. It’s awful and shitty but it’s the truth.”

“You regret that it ended with her?”

“I can’t be with her. We aren’t good for each other. I may regret that I started it in the first place, and how I ended it. The anger and hatred. It was misguided. I hate that I did it. I don’t think or wish that we’d get back together. I have unresolved feelings I have to work out. I may seek out some counseling – it served me well after the breakdown of my marriage.”

I told him I was sad that it came to this but I appreciated his honesty and his doing so before more time had passed. I said I hope he knows how great our connection was, and that it doesn’t come along very often. I asked him if he got his head sorted out, did he think he’d ever reach out? He said I’d be the first person he calls. I said it would be lovely if he’d give me a heads up before returning to Plenty of Fish and he replied he’d be happy to do that.

“I will call you. I want you to meet the real Jack. He hasn’t been around…the happy and romantic guy.”

I told him it sounded really nice.

Of course, I know he may never call. He may meet someone at a better juncture in his life. Or he may call and I may be dating someone else. One never knows, but I wanted him to know I was open to hearing from him, and perhaps the stars would align for us some other time.

38 thoughts on “We spoke. It’s over.

    • I think so, yes. We spoke for 30 mins (what I wrote were the key points) and then for another 15 or so later that night. He seems sincere, and he was very open about things, which impressed me.

  1. I’m sorry. Re-reading everything yesterday on the prior post about his drop in communication made me realize how much alike he and my now-ex were, but I was hoping it would be different for y’all.

    I made the mistake of reaching out yesterday (“Hey, can I ask you a question?”) to try to get more understanding on what happened (in my lousy defense, I was drinking for the first time in forever because friends wouldn’t let me stay home alone and mope anymore) and,surprise, no response back. Sigh. I am glad you got some answers though they are not the ones you wanted.

    • Sorry he didn’t reply to you. I wish more people could act with empathy in these situations.
      With Jack, we spoke about keeping in touch – I will write about it but it wasn’t Leo’s “let’s stay friends” nonsense but he thought I’d never want to talk to him again and I explained that wasn’t the case. But who knows what gets said in the moment vs when reality sets in.

    • Me neither, and thank you. I thought he was going to say that he was having trouble meeting my expectations or perhaps that he wasn’t “feeling it” between us.

  2. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I’m having a hard time believing his performance issue hasn’t shown up before. It’s probably a cover up and excuse to add in the conversation. Good luck and best wishes finding someone else to ease your sadness. Just remember it’s his issues and has nothing to do with you; you’re still great and don’t let this get you down!

    • Thank you Pam. Having seen his reaction the first time it happened, I tend to believe him.
      And I will be fine. I am sad because we had potential but if we are meant to be together, we will be. And he saved me a lot of heartache by telling me now.

    • Why would you say he’s a fool? Because my awesomeness didn’t make him snap out of it? I think he was wise to recognize he needs time and honorable to not just keep me strung along while he sorted himself out. I do wish he hasn’t needed exclusivity because we could have had a more chill time together while he healed. Oh well.

      • Hahahaha. You have a point. Yes, it was good of him not to string you along but he is a fool for not recognizing that you are the whole package. And for still being hung up on his ex girlfriend who clearly isn’t someone he should be with. Didn’t she call the police on him? But I also recognize that sometimes can’t control what the heart wants. Life is short and when an opportunity like Ann comes along you should grab on with both hands.

        • I don’t want to put words in his mouth but I think he does recognize I’m the whole package. He said to me that it’s not so much that he wants to be with her, but he needs to work through how it started and what happened in the breakdown.

  3. Damn! I was afraid his lack of communication meant that there was another woman on his mind! Grrrr!
    I’ve experienced a guy who also associated dick problems with the fact that they must not be ready or their heart was elsewhere.
    In a sense, I get it. What I mean is I have at times only half heartedly been “In the moment” with someone while my heart was a tangled mess.
    Onward Ann!!
    It’s truly NOT you!!
    Hugs from afar.

  4. I can’t add anything to this except maybe that I understand his point. Being in a tenuous mental state for some time now I am lousy at any kind of relationship. I’m sorry for the pain, but I am sure he has it, too.

  5. I too am sorry Ann, I was trying to hold out hope. I’m glad if he was forthright and hope that you can collect and find someone to make you smile again. Always have thought you were a special lady and I know he may not find that out in time. Virtual Hug…

  6. I’m sorry it turned out this way! Disappointing that he is still hung up on his ex.

  7. I’m sorry, Ann. What is striking about this is that you both handled this in a way that leaves you respecting and esteeming the other. Care was taken to not put down the other. It’s little consolation, but I hope you feel good about this. To not part in anger, to get to part with a sense of understanding and acceptance means that you’re going to be that much more available and open to the next lucky contender for your heart.

  8. “I can’t get over my ex-girlfriend” 🙂
    This is the excuse we men use when we are not attracted anymore to the person we date.
    Women fake orgasms from time to time and men fake relationships.

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