Previous Post | I was so angry I was shaking. I sent Jack a text that said “You’re back on POF? Wow.” Not surprisingly, he didn’t reply.
I tried to call him twice – once right after my text. and then at night. I’d looked at POF again and saw he’d been active again just a few hours prior. So he had time to be on the site but not reply. Before bed, I sent a text that said “Call me
Before bed, I sent a text that said “Call me back please. This isn’t the time to play fucking games with me.” I knew he used non-responses as control and I was having none of it.
The next morning I woke up to a text he’d sent past midnight saying he’d just gotten home after a long drive and he would call me tomorrow.
When I got into the office I realized I only had two slots when I was free, so I texted “Now works, or between 12-1.” A few minutes later my phone rang.
“Hello,” he said.
“Hello,” I replied, pausing since I thought he’d launch into whatever he had to say.
I didn’t say anything.
“Ann, what’s going on with you? What is your problem?” he said.
Wait. What the fuck?
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I said.
The conversation didn’t get better.
I said, “you’re back on plenty of fish!?” to which he replied “I’m allowed to do what I want to do. I’m not tied to you and I don’t owe you an explanation.”
I was as close to speechless as I can get. Of course he can do whatever he wants, I told him, but had he forgotten our conversation about his a) letting me know when he decided to online date again and b) how he said I’d be his first call when he was ready?
He switched excuse tactics. “I’m filling time when I’m lonely. This is me filling time when I’m lonely.”
“But you haven’t updated your profile! You say you are looking for a relationship which last I checked is something you are clearly not ready for!” He was defensive, saying he “just” used his former profile. “But you’re trolling the internet and talking to others and perhaps dating under false pretenses! Yes! I care about my sisterhood.”
His defense was he doesn’t get much attention online. I said it didn’t matter if even one woman fell for it – like I had – he could end up hurting someone who thought he was negotiating in good faith. He believed the lies he told himself when he was online meeting me, but now he knew he wasn’t ready and was doing it anyway. I told him there were far better places online for him to get an ego boost or whatever the fuck he was doing. He said he had no idea what he was talking about.
He was so goddamn condescending: “Look you are a big girl, I don’t understand why this is a problem”. I told him I understood more than he gave me credit for and he could have been honest with me about why he was going back online. I chastised him for asking for exclusivity right away (“But that’s just what I need, Ann”) and for not even considering more casually dating while he worked through things. I told him he could have even asked me if I’d be willing to just have a casual physical relationship (don’t worry, I wouldn’t have done that but was just making a point).
I told him I put my big girl panties on every day, thank you very much, but I was astounded at his lies and lack of courtesy.
He was so goddamn condescending: “oh, I didn’t think you’d be waiting for me.”
I laughed, thinking of the three new men I’d met in the last three weeks. “Jack” I said, “I never said I was waiting for you. I haven’t been waiting for you. But you just don’t forget the kind of connection we had.”
He changed course again. “Ann I’m sorry if I hurt you. But I’m trying to not jump off a bridge right now. I’m trying to heal and deal with this. I need to get myself together before the kids come home from their trip next week.”
I suggested given how messed up he said he was, he wasn’t going to get over in it a week. He said he was desperate to get back with his ex-girlfriend and she wanted nothing to do with him. It drove him crazy thinking she was fucking someone else. He said he knew perhaps it wasn’t the best relationship for him, but he didn’t care.
I told him this called into question everything he told me about our connection, because if his head was so far up his own ass that he could look at me across the dinner table on our first date and swear it was over, then how could he even know how he felt about me? I choked up when I reminded him I’d told him that night how important it was for me to be with someone who was done with their past relationship, given my heartbreak with Tony.
“What you feel is not my concern right now. I’m trying to not be depressed. I’m trying to heal any way I can and it’s one hundred percent about me.”
I don’t remember all of the things I said in this conversation. I may come back and add things we said as I remember them. I was angry and said “fuck” a lot. I asked whether it even crossed his mind that I would see him online. He said he was surprised I would even have noticed or cared. He said he figured I’d forgotten about him because we’d been apart longer than we’d been together (not true). We’d talked not one week prior!
I also got emotional asking him how he could possibly think I would have forgotten about him, given what I told him about the connection I felt we had. I said I believed him when he told me that connection was two-sided and believed him when he said all the great things about me and our chemistry. I asked whether all of it was a lie. He said no, but the damage had been done. I realized – and said – he was likely projecting when he said he assumed I’d forgotten about him.
Because clearly, despite everything, he’d forgotten about me.