dumb ways to get a woman back

Alan and the cheese.

I like wine and cheese. Along with kissing, they provide some of my life’s greatest pleasure.

I guess I served Alan some great cheese (not uncommon) because he’s used it as the rationale to reach out to me three times since I broke it off. Well, he used other methods as well to try to see me again, the most memorable being a naked mirror selfie of himself with a hard-on, wearing a Trump mask.

Yes, you read that right. 

I shared it with my Instagram followers but blurred his penis out of consideration. And while normally I wouldn’t share a man’s naked selfie, if weeks after I’ve broken up with you, after my telling you multiple times that no, I don’t want to see you again, and you still think it’s a good idea to wear a Trump mask whilst showing off your hard cock, and send me the evidence? You’re just asking for it.

I didn’t reply to naked-Trump-Alan, for what it’s worth.

After that he got quiet, but many weeks later I received the following text:

“Sorry for the inconvenience but where did you buy the water buffalo cheese and other awesome cheeses you had?”

Hmm. It didn’t sound like a pickup line so I saw no reason to not tell him. I replied with the name of the (female) cheese maker, her dairy, and the town where it’s located.

His response?

“Sorry wrong #”

Sure. Whatever.

Which was exactly what I texted in response.

Several weeks later:

And that was the end of it, or so I thought. I couldn’t figure out what he was trying to do – prove that I would reply? He didn’t engage me in further conversation. I chalked it up to weirdness and completely forgot about it.

Until this past week.

He did it again. This time he said “Hey Ann, can you tell me where you got the buffalo cheese?”

I may have snort laughed. I noticed he used my name this time, so there was no question who he was texting. I replied “Hi Alan. Are you serious lol? I’ve told you twice before and twice before you’ve then said you meant to ask someone else….”

What followed was one of the strangest text exchanges I’ve ever had.

“What!!!! Lol….im sorry …And who is this and how do i know you? I went far enough back in my calls to get the #….hahaha”

Oh good lord, I thought. I don’t have time for this, but it was the funniest thing that had happened to me all week. I replied: “Oh, whatever. You date a lot of Ann’s? If you don’t know who I am then why keep asking me about the cheese. Perhaps you forgot I’m not an idiot.”

I then sent him his naked Trump selfie and said “could you really forget the woman you sent this to? Or perhaps you sent it to more than one person?!”

He replied (verbatim, mistakes and all):

“Lol…im totaly confused…Ive only dated 1 Ann in my life…..I sent a text and was told i texted the wrong #. I have been trying to remember Ann’s # but am getting wrong #…. Lol.. .that pic was sent to ann……lmao… So is this Ann or did i send that pic to some one else….? I just want to find the water buffalo cheese Ann had !!!! ??? Lol wtf….im not sure now…”

I replied I’d answered him the first time and sent him the screen shot. He said he thought I was saying (twice?) I was the cheesemaker and he had the wrong number. What a dolt.


Now he’s asked me out multiple times. Guess he just wants to get at that great buffalo cheese again.

23 thoughts on “Alan and the cheese.

    • Lol well what I shared wasn’t porn and he wasn’t naked thanks to blurring. I also more closely cropped the background. His face wasn’t showing, and it’s all anonymous anyway… I did think about those things!

  1. I’ve never heard of “cheese” as a euphemism for sex!! I wonder what “buffalo” position is?!!

  2. Has he had a recent head injury? There is only one Ann that I would love to spend some time with, but our age difference and my marriage seem to preclude it.

What do you think?