when online dating brings you a good match

When the others fall away.

[Part 3 of our date is coming, but I wasn’t in the right head space yesterday to write it – Jack and I have had a slight communication hiccup (I’m sure that’s all it is) – and I knew it would affect my accurate depiction of the rest of our night together. So here’s a post I’d scheduled originally for tomorrow.]

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It’s the difference between “sure, this is okay” and “FUCK YES”. I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long time. I did about Kyle, but his unresponsiveness killed it.  He was a “fuck yes” for me, but I wasn’t for him. (And if you haven’t read the Mark Manson article on it, check it out here). Online dating sometimes serves up a great potential match.

When the intellectual and physical chemistry is truly there, all others fall away. And if they don’t, that person isn’t doing it for you.

I hid my POF profile on Sunday. I told the two men I was having conversations with that I was going offline because I’d met someone I wanted to focus on, but if I came back I would reach out. They both replied they appreciated the message and wished me luck.

The other date I had on the weekend – it was a first date – was cancelled. He is moving and apologetically said he couldn’t make it work. If he reaches out again I may go on that date, just to see what it’s like, but if it doesn’t happen I’m not too fussed. If Jack and I don’t work out, there’s no harm in reaching out again.

And that’s how it should be. With the other men this past year, I didn’t want to be exclusive, but I think that was mostly because I wasn’t sure about them. They weren’t a “fuck yes”. So why would I give up some great fuck buddies if I wasn’t sure? 

I’m not saying I already know things will work out with Jack: that would be ludicrous. As I’ve said before, while I can assess intellectual and physical chemistry quickly, the emotional / behavioral takes longer. Sure there are early behavioral indicators that can be red flags, but when there aren’t any, they could always start flying later.

Jack has said in person and via text that he is only interested in dating me. It’s mostly what led me to hide my profile: I wanted to be respectful to him and also don’t see a need to continue to fill my pipeline of potential dates.

I’m also really busy, and figure if I have the time to text anyone, or go on a date, it should be with him.

He hasn’t hidden his profile, which I find interesting. He mentioned at dinner that since meeting me, he’s only gone online when someone messages him, which happens about once a day. He said most of the women were over 55, and he had no interest in an older woman.

I’m trying to not get too fussed about his keeping his profile open. It’s mostly irritation, given he’s the one that said he dates only one woman at a time, and he wants to date only me. Had he never said it, I wouldn’t have taken steps to shut down conversations with others. Sure I own my actions but I’m curious to hear why there’s a seeming discrepancy between his statement and his actions.

I do believe I’m the only woman he’s dating, but building a pipeline or keeping your leads warm is still kinda crappy.

So then I have to hold myself to the same standard. I haven’t heard from Lewis or Clark in a week. Lewis seems to have gone silent again which can sometimes last for a few weeks. I’m completely fine with it because I don’t need to face any moral decisions. I know that it’s not exclusive until you’ve talked about being exclusive, but I’ve never felt great about playing that game.

Jake (not Jack!) and I had a great night together a week ago, and I had to cancel on him on Friday due to a migraine. I know he will ask to see me again. I also know it will be no big deal if I tell him I need to pause for a bit until I see if I’m going anywhere with Jake. I worry a little bit more that in telling Lewis the same thing, I may lose him forever – but it’s a risk I will take if its right to do so.

Leo seems to have quieted down finally. He sent me a “happy hump day” meme last Wednesday and I said “thanks, same to you” but since then there’s been nothing.

So we shall see what happens. I know any day, at any time, something could kill the potential and I may not be a smitten kitten anymore. And that’s okay. I’m not getting ahead of myself nor am I assuming its going to fail. I’m just content to see where it goes, and if needed, to tell those in my stable that they won’t be getting groomed for a while.

24 thoughts on “When the others fall away.

  1. Regardless if you close your profile and reduce communication, you still seem to juggle your gentlemen in your head. At the same time though I always admire your resilient heart which rarely seems to give up or be bitter.

    • I guess I am always trying to think about how it feels to give someone up / stop seeing them. So I knew with Leo, because I hated the idea of giving the other up, that he probably wasn’t the right guy for me. The right guy will make me forget the others because I will be so emotionally, intellectually, and physically satisfied I don’t need anyone else.

    • Oh and thank you. I guess I am resilient. But I also know I’m a bit of a cynic because I’ve experienced so much crap behaviour, it’s hard to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

  2. I hope Jack’s decision not to hide his profile is not based on a fear of missing out something better! I don’t think it gets any better than you.

  3. It seems like worrying about exclusivity after two meetings is a way to set yourself up to worry and stress somewhat needlessly. Admittedly, Jack hasn’t helped matters by making an issue of it. I am sorry you are in that mental pickle and I wish that it would matter less whether he has the profile up. Unless you are also monitoring how active he is on it, he could well have an extremely passive interaction with it. This is an exercise for you to trust what he means, and if that exercise makes you restless, take it as an opportunity to tell your fantastically-honed analytical machine of a brain that there are times that you can’t nail everything down. Jack’s integrity will be shown over time with his actions. If you wanted him to take down the profile, you should also commit yourself to really letting go of all your NSA companions, but I don’t think its necessary you do the latter, so by extension, it isn’t necessary for Jack to take down his profile. Just trust his word for now, as hard as that might be. It is a shame he brought up exclusivity so early in the game; I think that its something that we can only be more sure about being committed to a little later in the game. You will be able to tell fairly quickly if he is weighing you as an option (in contrast with others) or if he’s keen to make you a priority. If he hedges, is noncommittal, and generates a track record of changing plans with you, then you know that he isn’t tracking you towards exclusivity. The existence of a dating profile is nothing.

    • Rather than monitoring his dating profile, I would instead study how he follows up with you in the weeks to come. That is an intense second date, as you said, one for the history books, and many of us here have had some version of that, followed by being dropped or even Ghosted. There are many guys out there who can really bring it up and through a first sexual encounter, and then totally lose their steam. The frustrating thing is that they aren’t even conscious of it, but deep down, their avoidance kicks in and they fear having to be accountable to this person whom they just conquered. His follow-up is what matters at this point.

      • I wasn’t monitoring his dating profile the way I might have been three years ago. POF shows you when someone last logged in right on the main inbox screen, so it’s hard to ignore… and I was in my inbox deleting messages from those I didn’t want to be able to see me after I hid my profile.

        I agree that it happens, and unfortunately it’s happened to me, which makes me likely hyper sensitive to any indication that could be what’s going on. But it hasn’t happened with Jack and given how (and what) he communicated before our second date, I would have been surprised. .

    • I may have given the impression that I have been doing a lot of worrying. I actually wasn’t worried about part of my point. I’m far less interested in having sex with anyone else because with my limited time and energy, I’m cool to focus on Jack. I’m fine to let go of those NSA folks, mostly because I think in a couple of weeks I will know whether Jack and I have potential, and that’s not a very long time at all. They may not even notice! πŸ˜‰

      I put this post up out of order and perhaps I shouldn’t have. You’ll see in the next couple of posts how this was a very temporary hiccup and I will write more about how it came about. It was a combination of when he was online and also his not replying back to me. So that is an absolute trigger and I want to write about how, because of what you said, having experienced shit behavior in the past I know I’m hyper sensitive to these things.

      You are 100% right about being reactive vs. proactive with a profile. He had already told me that since he met me, he’d just been reactive. No big deal.

      And normally I wouldn’t think twice (anymore) about the presence of a dating profile at such an early stage. It was only because of his ask that it would even occur to me to be fussed (although granted, would still have been fussed about seeing someone online when I was waiting back to hear from him).

      The good news – spoiler alert – is that he’s not a douchebag and seems like a pretty solid guy. So far.

      Thanks for keeping me honest!! xoxo

What do you think?