Before I broke up with Leo, we’d arranged to go see a sporting event together to which I had tickets. When we broke up, we agreed to still go as friends. Classic breakup mistake.
Awkwardly, it was supposed to be the night I went on my date with Kyle, so when he asked me, I worked it out with a friend who had tickets to the game the next night to switch – which worked better for them anyway. I simply told Leo I needed to change the date – and turned out he had the date wrong anyway. So the comedy of errors was resolved without incident and I made myself free for Kyle.
Leo and I have had little contact since the breakup. We haven’t seen each other nor talked on the phone. A few text messages here or there. He’s had some illness in his family so it was mostly about that.
I haven’t missed him. Which sounds awful, but it’s true. I’m sometimes amazed at my lack of emotion once I’ve decided something is over. Those of you who’ve read the Tony saga and wonder how I can pursue Kyle may find this contradictory, but it’s not – once my intellect and emotions know someone isn’t right, that’s it: I’m done. It’s more applicable to relationships because in casual sex I’m not seeking the same thing. It happened with Johnny Id, Fox, HWSNBN.
And to be perfectly clear, it’s never happened with Tony because he is right for me. Its the situation he’s in isn’t right. The timing isn’t meant to be. This is entirely different than deciding the person isn’t who I want.
So I was completely neutral about seeing Leo. Until he texted that morning: “OMG Ann have I told you how much I hate my life?”
“What is it, Leo?”
“I have to do an installation tonight at Xpm.”
“Does that mean you can’t be at the game? It should be over in plenty of time.”
“No, I’m coming to the game. Just means I can’t spend any time with you after :(”
Here was the thing: I wasn’t planning on spending any time with him after.
When we broke up he was all fussed about what would happen if he saw me and wanted to “jump my bones”. I explained he shouldn’t worry, if at some point it happened it wouldn’t be the end of the world. But I didn’t think he should assume anything would happen.
So I replied: “Ah, I wouldn’t have thought that was “hate my life” worthy”
“Sure, it’s wrecking blondie time. I showered, shaved, manicured, manscaped…”
Ugh. I went from neutral to “why did I think going to the game together was an okay idea?”
I told him I didn’t like that he assumed anything and he replied it was hope, not an assumption. Either way, I really didn’t need to know he’d showered (and finally trimmed his public hair – for the first time since I’d met him).
Regardless of anything that happens (or more likely, doesn’t) with Kyle, going from a date like the one we had, to my time with Leo, put everything in stark relief. I made the right decision, and can’t imagine a scenario where we get back together.
After 6 months with Leo, he should be far more attuned to me (and I, to him). That’s part of the “click” that happens instantly with some (Tony, Todd, Kyle) and can build with others under the right conditions. It hasn’t built with him. There are communication differences, missteps, lack of physics synchronicity.
If I compare it to Tony, with whom I had amazing chemistry but we had to sort out communication style and frequency differences, we figured each other out and got really good at being in sync, even though our natural styles were different.
It reminds me of something I’ve learned through work – we have natural and adapted styles for how we behave. Being in sync can happen right away when natural styles match, but an ability to adapt to a situation or another person is a sign of emotional awareness and intellectual flexibility.
The game with Leo started with difficulty meeting up, then a series of minor annoyances (on my part), and a steady stream of mental comparisons. When Leo left to get me a second glass of wine, the guy on my other side struck up a conversation, and this stranger and I had better banter.
So when Leo and I parted and he gave me a lingering hug, not wanting to let go, I was uncomfortable. He said he missed me, for which I apologized, and he said it wasn’t my fault. I said “ah, it kinda is.”
Thankfully he didn’t try to kiss me goodbye.