post-breakup with Leo

I’m cold-hearted.

Before I broke up with Leo, we’d arranged to go see a sporting event together to which I had tickets. When we broke up, we agreed to still go as friends. Classic breakup mistake.

Awkwardly, it was supposed to be the night I went on my date with Kyle, so when he asked me, I worked it out with a friend who had tickets to the game the next night to switch – which worked better for them anyway. I simply told Leo I needed to change the date – and turned out he had the date wrong anyway. So the comedy of errors was resolved without incident and I made myself free for Kyle.

Leo and I have had little contact since the breakup. We haven’t seen each other nor talked on the phone. A few text messages here or there. He’s had some illness in his family so it was mostly about that.

I haven’t missed him. Which sounds awful, but it’s true. I’m sometimes amazed at my lack of emotion once I’ve decided something is over. Those of you who’ve read the Tony saga and wonder how I can pursue Kyle may find this contradictory, but it’s not – once my intellect and emotions know someone isn’t right, that’s it: I’m done. It’s more applicable to relationships because in casual sex I’m not seeking the same thing. It happened with Johnny Id, Fox, HWSNBN.

And to be perfectly clear, it’s never happened with Tony because he is right for me. Its the situation he’s in isn’t right. The timing isn’t meant to be. This is entirely different than deciding the person isn’t who I want.

So I was completely neutral about seeing Leo. Until he texted that morning: “OMG Ann have I told you how much I hate my life?”


“What is it, Leo?”

“I have to do an installation tonight at Xpm.”

“Does that mean you can’t be at the game? It should be over in plenty of time.”

“No, I’m coming to the game. Just means I can’t spend any time with you after :(”

Here was the thing: I wasn’t planning on spending any time with him after.

When we broke up he was all fussed about what would happen if he saw me and wanted to “jump my bones”. I explained he shouldn’t worry, if at some point it happened it wouldn’t be the end of the world. But I didn’t think he should assume anything would happen.

So I replied: “Ah, I wouldn’t have thought that was “hate my life” worthy”

“Sure, it’s wrecking blondie time. I showered, shaved, manicured, manscaped…”

Ugh. I went from neutral to “why did I think going to the game together was an okay idea?”

I told him I didn’t like that he assumed anything and he replied it was hope, not an assumption. Either way, I really didn’t need to know he’d showered (and finally trimmed his public hair – for the first time since I’d met him).


Regardless of anything that happens (or more likely, doesn’t) with Kyle, going from a date like the one we had, to my time with Leo, put everything in stark relief. I made the right decision, and can’t imagine a scenario where we get back together.

After 6 months with Leo, he should be far more attuned to me (and I, to him). That’s part of the “click” that happens instantly with some (Tony, Todd, Kyle) and can build with others under the right conditions. It hasn’t built with him. There are communication differences, missteps, lack of physics synchronicity.

If I compare it to Tony, with whom I had amazing chemistry but we had to sort out communication style and frequency differences, we figured each other out and got really good at being in sync, even though our natural styles were different.

It reminds me of something I’ve learned through work – we have natural and adapted styles for how we behave. Being in sync can happen right away when natural styles match, but an ability to adapt to a situation or another person is a sign of emotional awareness and intellectual flexibility.

The game with Leo started with difficulty meeting up, then a series of minor annoyances (on my part), and a steady stream of mental comparisons. When Leo left to get me a second glass of wine, the guy on my other side struck up a conversation, and this stranger and I had better banter.

So when Leo and I parted and he gave me a lingering hug, not wanting to let go, I was uncomfortable. He said he missed me, for which I apologized, and he said it wasn’t my fault. I said “ah, it kinda is.”

Thankfully he didn’t try to kiss me goodbye.

13 thoughts on “I’m cold-hearted.

  1. I don’t think it has anything to do with being cold-hearted. I think it’s more about knowing what you like and listening to your gut, which is a good thing to know how to do in my book.
    If he can’t sense it after 6 months, then you’re definitely not meant to be together.
    Don’t feel bad!!

    • Yes, I met him the very beginning of October. Broke up with him the first time after a trip together in April, and he asked for an “extension” of a month (interesting how it came about, you may be interested in reading the posts). Long story short I broke up with him again a couple of weeks ago. We agreed to stay in touch as friends.

  2. Hi Ann,
    You are not cold-hearted, you are a woman and this is perfectly normal. Like most women, you want sex (good sex, not mediocre sex like most man can live with), male attention and love…until you have all of this and you get bored. You are very attracted to the men “Tony for exemple” that you can’t have full-time. If the two of you would live together your attraction for him would fade faster than a bullet-train. With Leo it’s the exact opposite. From what I just read in your article, I suspect from his behavior that this is a man without a lot of options with women… a turn off for you at least on a subconscious level.

    For the men reading your “very interesting blog’s” it teaches us again that a man should always keep his options open and never promise sexual monogamy (a promise which he knows he can’t keep) to a woman and should never demand it from her either. Women are biologically programmed to get sexually bored from the men they live with after about 3 years (even if he does everything right 🙂

    • Peter – thank you for your comment, however I disagree with your statement as to the rationale of my breaking up with Leo. My “boredom” with him has everything to do with our lack of intellectual and physical connection. We’ve known each other for 6 months which even if you were correct would be well within a “non boredom” window.

      I’m very attracted to Tony because of Tony, and haven’t dated other men who fit that same pattern (unless I’m missing something then please enlighten me). I’m not sure how you can say I’m just like every other woman when you’ve seen no evidence of my being bored when I’ve have good sex, male attention, and love from someone I’m also compatible with? Other than Tony, all of the men I’d consider boyfriends or had dated steadily were very available to me. There was good sex, attention, and love. Are you suggesting that I should have stayed with them when the reasons I broke up with them wasn’t due to a lack of those three things but due to a fundamental incompatibility. Determined within months. Oh yeah, and that assault…

    • I have to add, Peter, I think it’s great that despite me disagreeing with you every time you bring up the “3 years and all women will be bored” rule, you keep coming back to remind me. And FYI I haven’t been to Paris again, but I will be in Spain in the summer…

      • Hi Ann,

        Did all those men lived-in with you full-time?

        I am only talking about “sexual” boredom that occurs in a woman when she lives full-time (I repeat full-time) with her husband or boyfriend for 3 years or more sometimes the sexual boredom kicks in even before this time. For the rest she often still loves him is pair-bonded with him and likes to do many nice things with her man. Women that don’t have live-in boyfriends stay “sexually attracted” to them much longer. But anyway Ann I don’t want to “bore” you with my scientific proof and statistics that by the way do not apply to you since you don’t have a live-in boyfriend if I am correct, the last time you have been sexually monogamous to a man for more than 3 years must have been a long time ago. I love your articles…keep up the writing. Hope to see you in Paris one day.

        Cheers et à bientôt !!!

        • I forgot to add Ann that I never said that you were sexually bored with these men and that is perfectly normal since you have never lived-in with them for more than 3 years and therefore were not able to experience sexual boredom.
          That’s the advantage of your lifestyle 🙂

          Maybe I am a little bit jealous of that 🙂


    • I completely agree with you… and what I was getting at with my post title is I don’t feel bad at all, really. I mean, I’m empathetic, but I’m not at all torn up about it.

  3. For the record, Ann… you’re one of the warmest people I’ve never met.
    Sorry I’ve been an absent friend; my life has a been a maelstrom of IBS, my daughter’s medical issues and a whole mess of life issues.
    But I’ll try to stop by more often.

What do you think?