A picture of a tall man for texts

Kyle’s 5 day postmortem.

Monday was the date where Kyle said he’d like to see more of me, and agreed he would try to be more responsive to texts. I figured it would be good for me to write about how things go with him, to help keep me honest. Not that I’m not honest… but it’s easier to ignore a reality I don’t like when it’s not staring me in the face.

Hy and I share a quirk which I find interesting – and it’s about how we perceive time. I’ve written about this in relation to Tony and I don’t think I got my point across very well. I’m not sure exactly why this is, but I tend to think more time has passed than it has. 

I suspect it’s because my weeks are pretty jam-packed, so I cram more into a given week than I ever used to before my split.

Why do I bring this up? Because it impacts how I feel about someone else’s communication. I won’t think twice about not checking texts for the bulk of a day where I’m really busy, and therefore I’m not aware of it taking hours for me to reply to someone. However, when I’m not busy, I am very aware of any delay in responses.

It also applies to my general perception of time. My second trip with Leo felt like it occurred far more than four weeks after the first. I track everything in an online calendar so I can easily know the actual duration, but it’s not how it feels. 

It also means when I say something like “I’m taking a break from online dating”, what is in reality is 7 days could feel like a month. For what it’s worth, I haven’t been online dating for 8 months…and that counts my stint on Adult Friend Finder as dating, which wasn’t my intention but I found Alan and Leo.

Even writing this post, intellectually I know it’s only been 5 days since my date with Kyle, but it feels like it’s been longer. It was a nicely busy week of work and friends.

Okay, back to Kyle.

He’s been more responsive to texts. While before it would be rare I’d hear from him right away, the last four days he’s responded relatively quickly. We even spoke on the phone for an hour one day when I happened to catch him when he wasn’t in a meeting. The conversation flowed effortlessly.

The date was Monday, and we texted back and forth a bit after the date. He said he’d talk to me on Tuesday (which would have surprised me, to be honest).

Tuesday night I texted him. I knew he was travelling that afternoon / evening for work. I told him I’d dreamt about him the night before (that’s all I said). could hours later at 10pm he replied “Wow. I like the sound of that.” I replied that I liked the look and sound of it, and then decided I was going to test the water with a more flirtatious text, so I said “I was also going to text you a pic of what was under my dress last night (it’s PG not X rated) but not sure we’ve reached that flirting level yet?”… to which he didn’t reply.

When we spoke on the phone a couple of days later I referenced my failed attempt at flirting, and he said he’d fallen asleep. Which I believed, but if I saw something like that the next morning when I woke up, I would have replied. So demerit points for him on that one.

Next morning (Wednesday) I said “Hmmmm guess not! Have a great day :)” and he replied a few hours later for me to have a great day too. Five hours later I replied that I was having a great day and hosting a poker game that night. I asked him where his dinner was and he replied. That night just before 11pm I texted asking if he was still up. He was still out for dinner with clients and we had a brief exchange. I asked him a question about his schedule which I quickly knew was a mistake because it was too long for someone to surreptitiously reply to when sitting in front of clients.

So the next morning around 11am I double texted and asked if he had a minute. He replied right away and that’s when we spoke on the phone for almost an hour. It’s when I learned he wasn’t feeling well, he’d developed an ear infection, and also learned he was home for the weekend and didn’t have his son. We agreed it would be great to get together at some point and that we’d connect when he was back. I also thanked him for being more responsive. He said “that’s not something you need to thank me for” and I replied “well, I think positive reinforcement is important, no? I wanted you to know that I’ve noticed and that it feels good, so thank you.”

Friday mid-morning I asked how he was feeling, he said “not good but thanks for checking in”. Again a brief exchange and I told him I’d check in with him on Saturday.

So that’s the breakdown of our 5 days of communication. I know that may not be the most scintillating thing to read but it’s important for me to keep myself honest. He doesn’t send good morning texts, and rarely texts proactively. Am I okay with it? Not especially. Am I trying to stay focused on the positives? Yes. He was far more communicative than before, which is good. And for a man who hasn’t seen his best friend in a year, I am reminding myself that this is probably in his mind a big effort.

I am telling myself it’s unlikely I will see him see this weekend. Of course I hope I will, but I also have plenty to do if it doesn’t happen. But it doesn’t mean I’m not going to try.

 

 

13 thoughts on “Kyle’s 5 day postmortem.

  1. Well, if I look at it that way, it took around 2 years for me to get good morning texts. Would I have liked to receive them earlier? Of course I would.
    Am I glad in retrospect I didn’t? Yes. It taught me patience, and to live my life for myself, which is a lesson I needed to learn.
    Am I glad I get these texts now, good morning and/or good night? You bet! Maybe even more so because I know that if he sends them, it’s because he really wants to, not because he feels he has to follow a specific dating norm, or anyone else’s expectstion. He does it because he really wants to tell me good night.

    I was worried when I read your title. Postmortem means after death… so I thought it meant you’d broken up, the death of your relationship…

    Glad to see it isn’t the case, and that you have a great connection whenever you talk or text or are together.

    XO

    • Well this isn’t so much about the good morning / good night texts. It’s about common courtesy. I know lots of people that don’t care about a morning check in. For me it’s about whether Kyle is capable of any proactive actions that relate to me, and if he’s able to be responsive. If we don’t get to any proactive action on his part I won’t be able to continue – it’s just too imbalanced.

      • I guess what helped me was communicating via email, which meant I didn’t have any way of checking if he’d actually read his emails.
        To me, the good morning texts weren’t about not caring about them. It’s more about learning to care about the person who would send them without needing them to do so, and also learning about the person receiving them, and checking to see what it should be important to me to receive them. In my case, it was because I needed to be reassured someone was thinking of me. Or that I was worthy of attention. It helped me learn I *was* worthy of attention even if I didn’t get frequent messages.
        I also think that getting a text, someone being proactive as you put it, if it’s only because they want to get something from me, then… why should I even care? There have been many men who have been proactive with me only to disappoint in other areas.
        I also got to understand that The Dancer sometimes didn’t know how to respond. And when it was so, he’d take a while before mentioning it. He would eventually address what I’d written to him about, but it often took him a few days to do so. It didn’t mean he wasn’t interested in replying, but rather that he needed time to arrange his own thoughts about the matter I believe.
        Now, about Kyle… did you tell him he needs to be more proactive? I believe he’s shown now that he’s doing better at responding. The question is… how much time are you willing to give him to work towards getting there?
        I know it also taps into the question of why the rush? I know I had that discussion with a younger friend, who doesn’t have children yet, and her reply was because she DOES want children. As for me, I had to ask myself what’s the rush? I don’t want any more children, so there is no need there. So then… why?
        And I realised that for me it’s much more important to learn to enjoy what I have now than to try and reach a certain point by a certain time.
        I guess not getting responses right away helped me learn how to enjoy the present more, rather than project into the future. I’m grateful for that lesson.

        Now, I don’t mean that you are like me or should follow the same route as me. But I do believe that asking me these tough questions helped me progress. Your answers are probably going to be different from mine, and that’s the beauty of life!
        But I realised that, often, going into something with few expectations, was the best way for not being disappointed. And figuring out whether/why the expectations I had were important to me, was very helpful too.

        Whatever happens here, I wish you all the best Ann.
        XO

        • I do hear you Dawn, but what Kyle lacked was basic courtesy. This isn’t about a rush for a relationship. It’s not about how much he communicates. It’s about making plans and then not communicating when he can’t follow through. I don’t mind the cancellations, but I do mind when someone can’t be bothered to reply to a text for 48 hours when they are otherwise engaged in social media and we had a date planned. So yeah, I have an expectation that someone treat me with respect and courtesy.

What do you think?