Leo laid bare.

Apparently someย of you aren’t happy even when I skip to the end of my story. So from now on, you’ll get what you get ๐Ÿ™‚

::

Leo paced back and forth between my living room and kitchen while he spoke. He was clearly uncomfortable. He drank water constantly.

He started with a statement about how he was raised to be the one who was strong and couldn’t be vulnerable. I wasn’t sure where he was going, but it was just the intro.

He told me he is not the person he was 20 years ago, or even 5. He gave me some examples of things that are different – it isn’t bullshit. Without my prompting, he described his growth mindset, a need to keep getting better and to change. And while I was somewhat cynical at this point, I reminded myself I had never really told him how important it was in a partner.

He went on to say the one area he hasn’t ever really tackled is his sexuality, and his ability to be completely open about it with someone he cared about.

Giggling nervously, he said “don’t worry I’m not gay”. I replied evenly, “it would be fine if you were.”

He told me he knows he fucked up with me, he wasn’t open with me, and he has nothing to lose since he already lost me. He said he was ready to open up.

“Ann, I REALLY love sex.”

“Ummm, okay Leo. So do I.”

He went on, over an extended discussion, to explain just how much. Nothing ruffled me in the least. He told me he’d only had sex with two women before his divorce and when he became single, he made up for lost time. In a huge way. If ever I had worried about telling him he was #100, I worried no more. In the last 8-ish years he’s had sex with 3 women a month on average.

No, that’s not a typo.

Hundreds of women. Even during his long-distance, 18-month long relationship. According to him they were both cheating and never discussed it. So I told him he was #100. He didn’t flinch.

I challenged him on why, if he was so sex focused, he didn’t bring his Viagra on our vacation.

“Oh but Ann, I didย bring it. I was chewing them like crazy and they didn’t work. My head was a mess. I couldn’t perform and didn’t know how to talk about it.”

I gave him shit. I told him it would have been much better for him to have been honest then leaving me perplexed and pissed off because I thought we weren’t on the same page. He was chagrined.

He told me I was supposed to be one of his monthly conquests. He wasn’t looking for anything more than casual sex when he met me, and then he actually started to like me, a lot. He explained he was worried had he told me how important sex was to him, or did some of the things he wanted to do, I would think he was deviant or only interested in sex.

I called bullshit on that. I said, incredulously, “I told you I was beaten on a St. Andrew’s Cross in a sex club and how much I love sex and you didn’t think you could be open with me?!”

Correct.

I reminded myself that being open is how I am. If anything, I have to consciously avoid over sharing. So while it seems odd he couldn’t be open with me even when I have created the right conditions for it, for Leo it’s still difficult.

I asked him about a moment during one time we had sex – I saw for a few seconds a more aggressive, sexual man, losing himself in what he was doing, and it was very sexy. He knew what I was referring to and explained he’d for a moment what he called “angry sex”. Meaning, he wasn’t having “relationship” sex. He went on to explain he has trouble reconciling respecting and caring for a woman, and being able to have more aggressive, creative sex.

In other words, because of how much he likes me, he can’t fuck me the way I want.

We twisted and turned along the discussion path. It seemed inconceivable to me (and I told him as such) that he hadn’t even tried the things I’d asked him to do. Doggy style. Leverage the big mirror on our vacation. Flirt over text. Bottom line is, he was holding himself back.

We discussed his ED issues. I told him he was ridiculous for thinking at 47 he was “too young” for it to happen. He knows his weight plays a role and is committed to continuing to shed the extra pounds.

I told him he was a shitty communicator, and he agreed with me. He said he wants to do better.

I believed him.

I know I’m missing threads of our long conversation, but we went round and round these topics, him telling me things, me asking questions, challenging him on some things he said, him trying to reconcile his words and actions. But eventually, it came time for me to think about what, if anything, I was going to do with this new information.

 


Image from the 1955 movie “Stella”

33 thoughts on “Leo laid bare.

    • I’m glad it does! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not convinced that it’s going to work, and some of the things I heard I have trouble reconciling, but it seemed I should give him the chance, all things considered.

  1. So I conclude that you may be more alike than you realized.
    I too tend to overshare my experiences with some and I have scared off a few that way too. But then others I know are so intrigued with my openness and experiences and want to embrace that side of me and share in it too. Come along with me for the ride so to speak.

    I’m glad he opened up to you and who knows, maybe now he will be able to have the kind of no holds barred kind of sex with you that you desire. Time will tell I suppose.

    Yes he’s a good man and you were the lucky woman who perhaps reminded him that you’re not just another conquest.
    Meaning, that he has the capacity to be caring and get the feels for someone.

    I hope you understand what i am trying to say here… Tired as I type this.

    • I completely understand what you are trying to say. Based on what he said, we do have more things in common than I originally thought. It gives me hope, but I’m also cynical – I know how hard it is to change.

    • I thought it was fascinating too! Although I still have a hard time believing he was unable to open up before, given how much I gave him the signs and proof of my own sexual experiences and preferences.

  2. Well, I like reading this!
    I’m looking forward to the next episode ๐Ÿ™‚

    (FWIW… I don’t care whatever it is you’re writing, how much of it and so on. If I haven’t been commenting much lately, it’s because I can’t do it from the app and barely opened my laptop).

  3. I’m hoping to find out(in the next post) if Leo was “cheating” while you were exclusive. I know it was only a short time, officially, but he said that you were the only one he was dating for a period of time also. Was he getting his “angry sex” elsewhere while having relationship sex with you?
    No hurry! Take your time! I’ll listen to Casey Kasem when I want to hear “the rest of the story” right away!๐Ÿ˜Š

  4. This IS a very interesting development. I’m not surprised now that you chose to keep seeing him.

    Jumping on Jay’s comment, not knowing where that was going, I’ll ask you – so you’re not going to be exclusive, right? And you’re good with that, right? Because now it appears that that’s what HE needs. Is it possible he’s a sex addict? And if so, how does that play out in the long term for you? What happens when you decide you’re really into him, and want to stop seeing others? Will he be able to meet that requirement?

    I hope this doesn’t sound negative, I just want to know if you’ve considered all this.

    • I’ve written more now that hopefully helps explain the non-exclusivity. He’s told me (and I believe him) that’s he no longer interested in casual sex…that a few months before he met me he was tiring of what had been many years of the same thing. So he tells me he’s not having sex with others and I believe him.

      We have both said we are taking the approach of one day at a time. I’m confident if things get better and we are on a good path then I won’t have an issue becoming exclusive, and I think he’ll be in the same place.

      I’m aware that it’s risky but I wasn’t prepared to go back 100% to him only when I had no idea whether he would be able to deal with his issues.

  5. No wonder you felt lukewarm about him: you were reacting to a carefully packaged version of him. That lack of honesty/vulnerability makes proper bonding impossible.

    (hihi so many kinds of bonding/age possible now!)

    I look forward to reading the developments. Go Leo!

  6. I’m going to say this and I hope you know that I do it because I feel a responsibility to – the two men I’ve encountered in my life that have sex issues in this way – the kind who have a hard time expressing themselves sexually with women they care about – ended up being a bit sociopathic. Like – secret life, conflicted over a deep loathing and simultaneous love for women. Not at all saying that Leo fits this type but this was a red flag in both experiences that I ignored. Regretfully. Eyes wide open, doll. xo

    • I think my eyes are open, I know this may not come to fruition. But I don’t think there’s much deep seated in him that’s loathing/loving about women. At least, not that I’ve seen so far. From what I understand of his prior relationships, they were very sexual. It’s been the last several years where he was seeking casual sex only.

  7. I have a hard time believing he loves sex when he couldn’t perform most of the time, only did missionary style, didn’t try what you suggested (mirror, doggie, etc.), and is now coming forth with all of this new information. I hope things get better. He needs to show what he’s talking about or get out. Good luck!

    • Pam, I’m with you on the cynicism and I told him so. I address it a bit in my next post – I found it really difficult to imagine that he couldn’t try those things. If it wasn’t for the ED I would not believe him at all, but I think it’s a combination of things at play. We shall see!

  8. I’m thankful for whatever and whenever you write. You were so good keeping us as updated as you could during some really crazy times. So, thanks for taking the time out of your busy life to share.

    That said, Leo. As I have mentioned before we are dating the same age bracket of men. In my experience, though vastly less than yours, the men in this age bracket say they want to be better and improve, they want to communicate on a deeper level and are willing to do what it takes to get there, if only we will be patient. So far, every one that has been broke this way has been willing or able to do the work. I hope Leo does but with how open you have been, if he wasn’t able to communicate then I have been doubts. You handed him everything on a silver platter and it wasn’t until he lost you that he was willing to step up to the plate.

    Plus, he said you were just supposed to be a fling. Then he is a liar and not a very nice person. He said all these wonderful things in the beginning to you and did all these gestures to “woo” you. What an ASSHOLE! When will you know when he is being truly sincere? At what point did his feelings develop for you?

    • Thank you Spencer!

      With regard to my being a fling… I may not have well characterized what he said, and he’s subsequently clarified it a bit more. In the beginning of our dating, however, he didn’t do a ton to woo me… our first three dates were very normal and there was nothing over the top. It was only later, after I was injured, that he was doing such amazing things… and that’s after he realized how much he liked me and when I took several weeks of a break, he thought he’d never hear from me again.

What do you think?