I have no secrets now.

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Leo, you’re on Facebook but not other social media, why is that?”

“I’m not very active on Facebook, Ann. I figure those people who want to know about my life will pick up the phone.”

“Yeah, I get that. What do you think about people who share a lot online?”

“Well it all depends, I think it’s attention seeking sometimes which just isn’t me. Why do you ask?”

“Have you ever looked up my profile on Facebook?”

“Nope.”

“So you haven’t read anything I’ve written there, the stuff which is public?”

“No, should I?”

“Well, Leo…you shared something pretty significant with me tonight. You trusted me with things which were hard to share. There’s something I haven’t told you and I feel like since you took a risk, I should as well.”

“What’s up, Ann?”

“I write a blog under a pseudonym. I have for over three years, and itΒ has been one of the most significant factors in my being able to process what happened during my open marriage, my divorce, and the shit show of my dating life. I think about it as my diary, except I share my diary with over a thousand strangers.”

“Wow that’s really cool.”

“Really? You think so?”

“Yeah, I can see how writing things out would help. I’m really happy that you have this outlet.”

“Well, you see, it’s been a problem in the past. The one boyfriend I told said he was fine with knowing it was out there, until he wasn’t. He lost his shit and we broke up shortly afterwards. Since thenΒ I’ve told nobody I’m dating, and even then one guy stalked all of my social media profiles and found one connection between my ‘real life’ and my ‘blog life’ and he’s the one where the police ended up getting involved.”

“Ann, I’m not like other guys.”

“Yeah, they said that too. I guess I wanted you to know because I don’t want to have this secret from you, and I’d understand if you didn’t want to date me because I write about my dating and sex life. I would feel like a real asshole if I didn’t tell you for six months or a year and then it was an issue for you. But it’s a really big deal for me to share this with you and I’m incredibly nervous right now.”

“Ann, this is your thing and I think it’s wonderful you have this outlet. I’m not interested in reading your diary – even if you do share it with a thousand strangers. If I ever get curious about it, I will tell you, and if you agree to let me read it, we’ll read it together. I’m not going to lose you again.”

::

Leo asked me some questions about the blog, such as how it worked and how I named people. I explained it was the reason I don’t watch much television. I believed him when he said he was fine – Fox did as well – but I simply couldn’t let that night go by without saying something. I felt I needed to let him know exactly what he was dealing with.

Time will tell if I’ve made a massive mistake. I do hope not.

 


Image from the 1955 movie “Stella”

39 thoughts on “I have no secrets now.

  1. He is. I just don’t think he will be emotionally available for you in the long run. He wants to be but just won’t be able too. Just my humble opinion.

    I’m kind of tickled that I called it on you revealing us. Perhaps today is my lucky day.

  2. I knew this was coming after reading your cliffhanger.
    If anything, I am proof it can work well.
    I sincerely hope it does for you too.
    XO

    • In your case however you are dealing with a man who hasn’t professed his love and he’s willing to have an open relationship, correct? I think those kinds of men are different… not sure someone who ultimately wants an exclusive traditional relationship will be so keen. We shall see πŸ™‚

  3. I know this sounds selfish(it’s your life I’m reading about), but I fear that this might lead to you having to “shutter” this blog. I have grown, as have many of the strangers who follow ASV, fond of you and your openness.

    I recently asked about if and when you’ll tell future partners about the blog. I know Leo’s RISK is why you took this chance so soon, but you are risking more than simply losing him for good. It feels as though there’s something I’m missing…

  4. Whoa!! So now he knows!
    I have to wonder though if he is just going along and agreeing with and accepting things about you because he’s feeling like he’s on a thin wire with you as it is.
    I hope that he’s being sincere about everything Ann.

    • I hope so too, and all I can say to that statement is my gut tells me there is sincerity there. There were a few things that he may have said to put it in a better light, but overall I think he was honest and worthy of giving it another shot. I don’t think I have much to lose.

  5. I don’t really see this is as a huge risk, because you aren’t *that* invested in him, unless I am reading it completely wrong. Cautiously optimistic, perhaps, but not head over heels at the moment. Now is the perfect chance to tell him, in my opinion, because if it scares him off, he wasn’t worth it anyway. And if he’s okay with it, then another point in his column. I had mixed feelings about seeing Leo go, so I am hopeful that he will provide good things in your life as you figure things out with him. Or at least good things to write about, as that will keep all of us entertained. Thanks for keeping all of us interested!

    • You’re right that I’m not fully invested at this point, although I am cautiously optimistic. The risk as I see it is that he may decide at some point he needs to read – especially if at some point he feels insecure in the relationship or with me. Or if we break up, then there’s also risk that he may read / out me / etc. I took the risk, and at least it didn’t blow up this week πŸ™‚

      • Definitely hoping.

        I don’t know if I would be able to resist, if I was in his shoes.

        That’s why, for my blog, I write only what I am comfortable with each subject-character reading. It limits what I can post, which has a downside (I have to self-edit, can’t have the freedom you have), but can avoid messiness once they discover it.

        Bah. Le tricky. Fingers crossed!!!!!

        • I totally couldn’t resist; I’d rather not know. But maybe if I was feeling confident and that someone was open with me, it would be different. I know what I’m asking is not easy…

  6. Damn! I saw the pic from Stella on the header, and was prepared for scary-major drama (she’s killed by her lover at the end of the movie). I’m glad he took it well, and I really think he’s got a lot of potential.

    • I’m glad you know the reference! I’m sure most people don’t and I try to find movies which have some similarity to what I’m writing about. But clearly I hope mine doesn’t end the same way πŸ™‚

      I think he has potential to, or else I wouldn’t have bothered.

  7. The blog thing is so huge and obviously I have an interest in this side of it for personal reasons.

    I don’t think the risk is in him knowing that you write a blog (not to diminish you telling him): That’s theoretical for him in a ‘good for you’ kind of way.

    The risk is in what he would discover here about what you think and feel about him IF it were to go that step further and he wanted to read it.

    If it was all glowing and you were alight with him it would be different. But you aren’t: ‘I lied to him about the last time I slept with Tony’ and ‘I’m lukewarm about him’ and ‘The sex is meh’ and ‘Yeah, I’m not all that invested’. It’s the *content* that is going to be a problem if it goes there.

    Reading harsh truths from someone you love/like/are interested in is horrible even if you don’t think you have been awful at all (to be clear, I don’t think your thoughts ARE awful, but collectively they would be to him).

    If (say) Tony wrote a blog, you’d be fine with it also in theory, but IF you read it and instead of glowing goodness, you found out that he slept with his wife when he said he didn’t, that the sex wasn’t that great, that he thought some unflattering thing: it doesn’t matter that they might be fleeting meaningless thoughts in the context of the whole. It would hit you like a ten ton truck and nothing after that would really be okay.

    I have had ONE short-lived dating partner who wrote a blog and I HATED it even though the worst thing he ever did was erase me from his writing when things weren’t going so well (i.e. we did a thing and he wrote about how ‘he’ did the thing as if I wasn’t even there). And that was ‘ouch’ enough.

    Tricky biz.

    Ferns

What do you think?