I blocked Tony last night.
Originally I wasn’t going to. He’d promised to be in touch shortly after our last conversation “next week I will come see you; I will figure it out”. I knew it was unlikely he’d be in touch exactly when he said, but I wanted the opportunity to explain I couldn’t be his friend because despite everything, I’m still in love with him.
But he didn’t call. It’s almost two weeks later. I’ve learned he experiences time differently than I; my days tend to be packed full of life and therefore two weeks seems like forever. He isn’t on any jobs right now and his days just blend one into another. I often have to look at my calendar to remind myself not as much time has passed as I think.
I knew he would get in touch at some point and expected it would be this week.
I am reconciled to the fact he can’t be in my life. I tried minimal contact and a) it didn’t stay that way, and b) we couldn’t stay platonic. I don’t know if the love will ever go away. I don’t know if it will ever fade enough that we could be the kinds of friends who talk a few times a year.
But none of that matters. What matters is now, and right now I don’t want to do it.
Normally I would write an email or call and tell him what I need to say. But he begged me to not contact him by any method.
In the absence of having that conversation, I don’t have the closure I thought I needed. So I found myself thinking of him every single day, multiple times a day, wondering if I was going to hear from him. I hated that he was on my mind.
I moved a cactus he gave me to a place I didn’t see it all the time. I sent a t-shirt he left for me back to him in the mail, with no note. I removed our text history from my phone and iPad (after saving it to my computer – it’s 675 pages of texts!). I was trying to reduce the number of daily reminders.
It wasn’t enough.
So last night I blocked him. I’d been texting with Madeline and she asked about Leo and whether I’d blocked Tony. I told her how frustrating it was to wonder – worse than just getting it over with – and I decided the last thing I wanted was for Tony to surface while I’m on a beach with Leo.
So while I had the balls to do it, I blocked him.
I immediately felt better.
I might unblock him when I’m back. I might not. It doesn’t sit well for me to not tell him why I can’t be friends. But I may just have to get over it.