Wondering is worse.

I blocked Tony last night.

Originally I wasn’t going to. He’d  promised to be in touch shortly after our last conversation “next week I will come see you; I will figure it out”. I knew it was unlikely he’d be in touch exactly when he said, but I wanted the opportunity to explain I couldn’t be his friend because despite everything, I’m still in love with him.

But he didn’t call. It’s almost two weeks later. I’ve learned he experiences time differently than I; my days tend to be packed full of life and therefore two weeks seems like forever. He isn’t on any jobs right now and his days just blend one into another. I often have to look at my calendar to remind myself not as much time has passed as I think.

I knew he would get in touch at some point and expected it would be this week.

It wasn’t.

I am reconciled to the fact he can’t be in my life. I tried minimal contact and a) it didn’t stay that way, and b) we couldn’t stay platonic. I don’t know if the love will ever go away. I don’t know if it will ever fade enough that we could be the kinds of friends who talk a few times a year.

But none of that matters. What matters is now, and right now I don’t want to do it.

Normally I would write an email or call and tell him what I need to say. But he begged me to not contact him by any method.

In the absence of having that conversation, I don’t have the closure I thought I needed. So I found myself thinking of him every single day, multiple times a day, wondering if I was going to hear from him. I hated that he was on my mind.

I moved a cactus he gave me to a place I didn’t see it all the time. I sent a t-shirt he left for me back to him in the mail, with no note. I removed our text history from my phone and iPad (after saving it to my computer – it’s 675 pages of texts!). I was trying to reduce the number of daily reminders.

It wasn’t enough.

So last night I blocked him. I’d been texting with Madeline and she asked about Leo and whether I’d blocked Tony. I told her how frustrating it was to wonder – worse than just getting it over with – and I decided the last thing I wanted was for Tony to surface while I’m on a beach with Leo.

So while I had the balls to do it, I blocked him.

I immediately felt better.

I might unblock him when I’m back. I might not. It doesn’t sit well for me to not tell him why I can’t be friends. But I may just have to get over it.

27 thoughts on “Wondering is worse.

  1. Why doesn’t it sit well with you to not tell him why you can’t be friends? Do you really need to explain it to him one more time? (I thought you’d done so in the past.) Do you think you owe it him, or that he deserves to hear it from you? Or do you derive your own closure by saying it TO him?

    I’m glad you blocked him, and hope you don’t undo it. I know how difficult it is to walk away when the love is still there, but my experience has been that closure is elusive and really comes from within, over time. Allowing him to contact you, or even one final word to tell him you’re completely done, only keeps the flame burning.

    • I haven’t told him I can’t be his friend, and why. I’ve said I think it’s difficult / foolish etc, that it may not be good for me, but I haven’t clearly and firmly stated that I can’t – and won’t – do it. I tried, thinking maybe I could… but I can’t. I learned that in Dec and Jan.
      I also think at some level it’s cruel to just go silent and block him with no explanation. I may be projecting, but if the tables were turned I would want to understand.
      I don’t agree that it keeps the flame burning – I have my closure and am processing it. I’d simply like him to know why I’ve made the choice I have. Perhaps he doesn’t need to hear it.

      • I know that often, I want to be heard by the other party, because any realization or conviction I have come to on my own just doesn’t feel real unless it is witnessed. When a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound? The answer is, it does. This could be practice to really stand firm behind decisions or realizations you make for yourself. Maybe this isn’t the issue for you, but if it is, I offer that. I also want to put out there the theory that Tony really isn’t all that concerned right now about the decisions that you have made about him. Look at the numbers. 19 times of out 20, he is the one blocking and restricting communication, not you. You’ve heard the tone in his voice; he is in a crisis (of his own making). He is in save-his-ass mode with his wife. He is incapable of really seeing you as a 3-d human, of really caring about where you are coming from. In his 2-3 communications with you, his goal was to convey the critical info that you need to disengage with him because your presence in his life caused him trouble. He didn’t accuse you of causing his problems, but your presence in his life is a problem. He needs you gone. He didn’t really seem to care at all about where that left things between the two of you. So, you can console yourself that Tony probably isn’t going to worry right now why you’ve blocked him. He’s just worried about saving his ass.

        • I think you’re quire right. In the past he’s taken the time to hear me, show up at my house when he knows I’m going to yell at him, etc etc…. but this is different.

          I got the sense from him it wasn’t so much that he didn’t care where it left us – but he wasn’t even thinking that this situation would be permanent. At least, in that moment, he wasn’t facing that reality.

          But I absolutely agree with you that me and my feelings are far from his primary concern at the moment. He probably won’t even notice that I’ve blocked him.

          • Yes. If I didn’t make it clear, I think that because Tony is operating right now in crisis-mode, he is, for the time being, incapable of seeing you and your relationship in a fully 3-d way. Maybe once he shifts out of panic he can be that person again, but certainly not now, so the consolation is that you don’t need to worry about his feelings. If he ever does come out of crisis into a place of security, I hope that you hold him to doing much more than just being responsive to you again. This whole episode is so damaging. We can understand people’s limitations in stepping up when they are in crisis, but we can’t forget that this is a crisis of his own making. He created this mess. It’s rough, its heart-breaking, and its disappointing.

  2. Ann..You DO deserve to be happy like someone else said. Maybe send him a letter to his apt? IDK…
    I understand you may feel the need to have closure by telling him what you need to say, but give it a month or so and see how you feel then.
    Enjoy your vacation with Leo!!!
    And remember this… as many times as Tony has blocked you to try to move on, so should you. Do it for you as I know you have now.
    Yes I know he had other reasons for blocking you, but remember he had something to hide, you don’t. You just need to unfetter yourself from him and the toxic drama that he has in is life.
    He caused it by lying and being a cheat. We know this of course. Not your fault!!!
    You have a good man now. Embrace it and open yourself to the freedom of knowing you have nothing to fear of Leo going back to an ex gf, wife, etc. etc…

    Be free Ann! You’re a strong lady who, I’ll say it again, deserves to be loved and happy.


  3. This feels like a good move. Make that block permanent and move on. I so hope it works out with Leo this week, it would make things so much easier! xx

    • It’s good for me, for sure. There’s not a single doubt in my mind. I will see how it feels to keep him blocked – reality is if he really wants to contact me, he can call my home phone or send me an email.

  4. i understand that you still love him, but question whether you are or ever can truly be a priority to him. You deserve better than to be Tony’s yo yo. Like i said in another response, i’m rooting for you and Leo. 💜

    • I am definitely not a priority now, won’t be for the future, and that’s exactly as it should be since he’s decided to go back to his marriage.
      I’m rooting for Leo too 😘

  5. Blocking Beaut has been THE best thing for my well-being. And the Universe appears to be rewarding me by throwing so many new and interesting ppl my way.

    Life is good when the bad is gone. I too love Beaut, I dont know I will ever stop. But the fact remains, he and his life choices were not good for me. I owe it to myself to protect my joy.


    Good for you!

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