Tony got BUSTED, part 2

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Tony and I have had two short conversations about his again-wife finding out about us (side note: yes, she’s his wife, again. I’m honestly afraid if I just call her his “wife” I’m going to get trolled like crazy, and the truth is they were separated when I met him).

In the first discussion, he told me she’d found out about Jamaica. I was confused because it seemed an odd “discovery” at this time, 14 months ago after we went. I asked how it was possible that us seeing each other after the sports game could possibly have led to that.

He was vague. He said “Ann, I don’t want to relive it again right now. There was a lot of screaming and crying.”

He told me he wasn’t allowed in the house and was back at his apartment. He said he told her we broke up after their trip to the Caribbean last Spring. You may recall that trip – it’s the one he lied to ME about going on. Ah, the irony. It was that trip where they decided he would move back in.

It occurred to me after the fact that his lie was convenient – of course the narrative is in his favor when he tells her it was after that agreement we broke up. Makes it sound like it was his decision and their reconciliation was the driver. When in fact, I broke up with him months prior when I learned he was even more of a lying sack of shit than I’d believed (I’m paraphrasing, of course).

And I’m certain he wouldn’t volunteer he’s been in my bed far more recently than last Spring.


He asked me to call him the next day. He sounded terrible (when I told my Mom this, she said “good, he should!”), and said again he did’t want to talk about it. He said he did take his son to school that morning but isn’t allowed back in the house and she isn’t talking to him.

I tried again to get some clarity about what happened. He said:

“Ann, you know I don’t have many friends or acquaintances. It’s a small circle I roll with, and she knows every one of them. When you started liking my Instagram photos she was screaming at me about who you were.”

Here’s the thing. He had an account but it wasn’t active until after we broke up. He started posting pics again during a big job he was doing around the world. At the time, we weren’t in contact other than the occasional text and email. I point blank asked him whether it was okay that we interacted on his Instagram account and he said it was. Okay, then.

He said “How could I explain I was seeing someone new when I don’t talk to anyone new?”


I asked again how she found out about Jamaica and he said she didn’t tell him. He said “I think she got old information, maybe saw some old texts.”

He’s been deleting our texts for quite a while. But if I could figure out his phone password ages ago, I’m sure she had as well.

He said “It’s not your fault, or mine”.

Yeah, he actually said that. I chose to hold my tongue.

I asked whether she’d asked him to not contact me again (because come on, of COURSE she will) and he said “yeah, it was mentioned, but Ann she was screaming, saying lots of things.”

I asked whether he knew what was happening. “I don’t know, Ann, it’s serious, it’s really bad. I don’t know where I stand. She won’t talk to me right now.”

He asked me to please not contact him at all, that he would reach out. He said he would call me the next night but I’m not expecting to hear from him.


Yes, I’m turning it all over in my head, and yes, I know none of it ultimately matters to me. But I wonder what she found out, and how. I wonder whether they will reconcile (my guess is yes). I suspect she’s known something for quite a while, and perhaps decided to let it go, thinking it was truly over.

I wonder if he’d told the truth about dating me way back, some of the hurt could have been avoided.

I’m coming to terms with the fact it’s between them and I may never find out. But I will speculate, and you’re welcome to as well.

31 thoughts on “Tony got BUSTED, part 2

  1. I feel like he doesn’t want to tell you the details or “relive it” because he hasn’t quite figured out what lies to tell you so it’s just easier to say nothing to you until he has a good story to share that makes him come out looking not horrible. He is having trouble thinking on his feet and likely knows that if he shares too much truth with you that maybe you will turn your back on him too and he needs to you to be waiting in the wings in case she dumps him. There is no doubt he is trying to get back in her good graces and work things out but he wants you for his back up…the less you know of his reality the better is probably what he is thinking…at least that is my guess.

    • I do know this is how he tends to respond to any stressful situation – he turtles. So it’s not unusual for him to not want to talk about it. But obviously this is a little different, and I suspect that part of it for sure is he’s not sure what to say. Because this is ENTIRELY about his lies, and why would he want to face that?

      • He seriously said that?!?!?! He is in complete denial of what he has done and has continued to do. I’m sure in his version of things he is the complete victim in all of this. Tony is so disappointing.

        I wonder if their son said something about the lady who gave him the sporting swag and perhaps she asked some questions and then started digging. Tony will have lied about your role and importance in his life and then the trip to Jamaica seems so much worse. It’s so hard to really speculate given how he seems to not even know the truth himself.

        • Yup, he said that. He also said “I guess this was inevitable”. I don’t think he would play victim; he knows he’s done her wrong.
          My guess would be since I’ve been on her radar for a long while, she probably knew we used to be in a relationship but may have decided to let it go and believe him when he said we were just friends now. Maybe he didn’t clear his messages from his phone on Sunday night. Maybe it was something about me seeing her child. I don’t know… but I’m pretty sure if she only thought we were friends then she may be jealous and unhappy BUT wouldn’t have had such an extreme reaction.

          • I think I missed something. I thought that “HER finding out” was what the comment was about. I can accept that both of you can be blameless about that.

          • You mean his comment about not being to blame? It could have been, but seems disingenuous to say he’s not to blame for her finding out when if he hadn’t lied and cheated there would have been nothing to “find out”.

    • I think I agree with Sassy – he isn’t coming clean because he is trying to realign all his lies to keep them straight. Perhaps however he was caught by her would hilight a lie he has told you. Since he swears honesty with you I think he needs to be careful about his whole storyline.

      I do see your tone/attitude towards him shifting in great degrees and unfortunately it sounds more like disgust with him now – which isn’t a feeling you want to be left with. Maybe it’s better to go cold turkey for a long while again just so you don’t have any more bad feelings towards him than you already do?

      I know I would be too curious to not have the whole story as well…I would want the details so I could piece it together, but you have to assume he is lying again and leave it at that.

      • I couldn’t have said this better myself! The only think that I want to add is that I am sorry that Tony now occupies your precious mental real-estate once again. If he were a true prince, he would have left you out of all of this and faced his problems with his wife without trying to scrounge backup. Even if you are firm about not offering him direct support (or hope), he knows that you are probably twisting this all around in your mind… and who wouldn’t? You were involved far too long, gave him far too much, for you to be able to just be disinterested at this point.

        • YES… I hate that he’s back in my mental real estate. This is what I’ve learned: there is no “just a bit” of contact with him. I think it’s okay, but then it just takes me down a slippery slope of thinking about stuff.
          He’s not trying to garner support, he wanted to be left alone, which is normal when he’s in a stressful situation. He doesn’t want me out of his life, but expects me to just suck it up when he has to go quiet.

  2. Just speculating here but with some mobile phone carriers you can log into your account online and there is a saved history of all texts.

    Could be that her son made her suspicious by mentioning you giving him those things.

    And what about her knowing about him coming over around Christmas and calling him while he was there?

    Yes I think she’s been curious for a long time about you Ann.

    And yes he’s in denial sounds like.

    • He swore to me again that he’d told her about visiting me in the hospital and on Christmas Eve. And yup, she absolutely did call when he was with me that day.
      I guess her son could have been the catalyst for digging but I don’t think there would be anything she could have found (in my social media anyway) if she’d only started looking that night. But yes maybe pics and texts – hard to know.

  3. Poor Tony. Just a victim of these women who are smarter than he is. I’m not surprised he said what he did, it seems appropriate given the history. While again-wife is only someone we can speculate about, I do feel as though she is justifiably angry. He lies. And whether she’s just figuring that out or has known this about him, she now has to work out in her own mind where She goes from here. Trust is a delicate thing and when it becomes compromised, it’s difficult to regain it. I feel for her. I feel for you. But Tony? Notsomuch.

    • Oh, her anger is very justified. I believe at some level he kept her on the hook the whole time they were separated – I know when he and I first broke up for a few months they had sex. So you probably don’t do that if you’re completely done with an ex. And then we know about the double date they went on when he and I were back together. Again, she wouldn’t do that if she was fully done. This is a couple that still took their son to sports lessons together every weekend. There are so many other examples…. so bottom line is, not dissimilar to what he did to me, she’s discovered / discovering that when she thought he was mostly hers, he wasn’t. It’s brutal.

  4. I have to say – I am happy that she found out. Even if he always told his wife you were just friends she had to think more since he has a history of telling lies. He lied to you, he lied to her, you both deserve better.

    • That’s exactly what he’s told her until this week – that we met through work (I was a client) and we were just friends. He denied it even when she asked two months ago, point blank.

  5. It seems that he simply wants his family – son and wife and he wants whoever else he wants because (and I don’t have all the background so I’m speculating ) why have an apartment for this long. He screwed his self and lost because he’s greedy. It’s understandable though, when he has had all that he wants for a time ( you and his family) but when he’s found out, he loses both ways. That’s the cost of lying to save himself, no? I mean, don’t we all know that we can lie and get to certain points but there’s a higher and higher price to it the longer we choose to lie to people for self-serving reasons. I already know that if I wanted to do that and sustain it for a healthy time, I’d need concise effort in compartmentalizing and a daily? weekly? secret burner phone. haha

    • Yes, you’re quite right. We know he wants to be with his family because after making the big step to be out of the house and alone, he went back. Not 100%, because of what you say. I think he was holding on to his apt. as a last refuge but it was getting to the point that he couldn’t realistically hold onto it. I mean, it is coming up a year, and he had no financial or practical reason to stay in it.

      • After learning of different ways that we all try to have what we want – the guy just becomes one of us who takes risks to have what he wanted. I can’t know what being him is like to judge any farther than that. I just find it all interesting.
        Actually, I feel a bit of sadness for him because it seems like he’s in a tougher place now than…but live and learn, right?

  6. I am wondering if you have an opportunity *should* Tony reach out again, to ask for more honesty from him. Most people here on the blog, myself included, think of him as a miserable, cowardly lying sack of sh*t, which he is. But, at this juncture, since you broke up with him months ago, there is nothing to for him lose if he is totally honest with you. I wish that there was a way, when and if he calls on you, to first make it crystal clear with him that since you are totally done with him, even with recent flirtations, so there is no way he can further lose your sympathies other than by lying to you. You can assert that his lies have always caught up with him, so whatever graces he thinks he is saving by lying today will make him lose out twice as much down the road when he is found out. Your opinion of him around honesty is at am all-time low. Assure him that you have no interest in throwing fuel on the fire of his marriage, and that you understand how painful it is to go through the suffering he is going through. You will give him and her all the space they need, but if he is going to reach out to you, he best be totally honest. How can he expect you to cooperate unless he is? I then encourage you to please never, ever flirt with him or submit to him at all unless he is at a place in his life where he is truly available to you. I know, myself, with the person whom I have surrendered way too much power to, how hard this is… but unless you do, Tony will always try to wheedle his way back in. So, going back to my idea, if you can inspire him to be totally honest with you, then that is the smallest little foundation that you can begin to start rebuilding a healing, whether or not you two have any kind of relationship in the future. Good luck!

    • I appreciate the thought you’ve put into this comment, thank you. However I’m pretty sure I know as much truth as I will ever know from him… I don’t think there’s any “big reveal” he’s holding back from me.
      And yes, I fully expect to have zero contact with him for a very long time, if not forever.

    • Phil, I was trying to see whether there was any small amount of contact that would feel okay for me. But I learned there wasn’t, really. I could feel myself getting pulled back into him in a romantic way, which I didn’t want. Even keeping things platonic weren’t great either.
      So before this happened I was in a place where I was going back to either blocking him or significantly withdrawing. I don’t like that this took up my emotional energy again and I am – deep down – okay with this whole mess resulting in his finally stopping to reach out.

What do you think?