The reason Tony and I can’t be friends.

If you haven’t read about the recent “developments” with Tony, you can start with this post.

I know I’ve said it many times: this blog is extraordinarily helpful for sorting out my crap. I was in a good place with Tony, because I’d blocked him for weeks, successfully. I missed him but it was abstract, and I didn’t feel a pull to reach out or reconnect. When I unblocked him, I experimented with what it was like to be completely reactive – I let him call or text.

It was very minimal contact. It was platonic.

It was a fucking slippery slope. 

The tentacles of love and desire and full acceptance got their hold on me again, and the contact increased. Things didn’t stay platonic. None of this was over a long period – perhaps a week or 10 days. It was a small hiccup and I realized I can’t handle any contact with him. I told him it wasn’t good for me and he told me he couldn’t give up on me in his life – even just as a friend. I was already figuring out how to tell him that friendship wasn’t going to work either, when he got found out.

There is unanimous agreement on the blog and my in-person friends that he has to be completely gone from my life. I don’t disagree. And I’ve been thinking about what to say and how to say it, when suddenly in replying to a comment on my last post it came to me.

There’s only one reason: I can’t be friends with him because I’m in love with him, and he with me. 


They asked me how I knew
My true love was true
I of course replied
Something here inside cannot be denied
They said “someday you’ll find all who love are blind”
When your heart’s on fire,
You must realize, smoke gets in your eyes

So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed
To think they could doubt my love
Yet today my love has flown away,
I am without my love

Now laughing friends deride
Tears I cannot hide
So I smile and say
When a lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes

Smoke gets in your eyes

Written by Eriko Ohashi (pka Hussy R), Lady John Douglas Scott

21 thoughts on “The reason Tony and I can’t be friends.

  1. I’ve only had a few exes that I successfully had friendships with after..and even those friendships dwindled over time as we grew apart. But, they were guys that I never had *that* bond with. When there is a mutual love the desire to be friends is more of a refusal to fully let go. It’s so hard. I think you will move on long before Tony will…just as M will move on long before Bennett will..but these men are just wanting to keep hold of the love without actually giving up what prevents them from having it.

    • I’ve always maintained you can’t really be friends if you weren’t friends first. I think it’s very rare you can date someone and transition to friends afterwards. Only if both of you didn’t ever really “feel” it for the other.
      So yeah, I agree with you, a desire to be “friends” is a way to hold on to something… and I love how you say it’s wanting to hold on to the love without giving up what prevents them from having it. EXACTLY.

  2. My favorite version of this song is by Bryan Ferry. 😊

    I’m a big fan of staying friends with exes but it sounds like it’s not possible with Tony, at least not yet.

    I know it hurts to say goodbye. Thinking of you!

      • Yes, it’s possible. I am proof of that! I am friends with almost every ex. Granted, not great friends but that’s because there was always something there hindering it to begin with.

        We’ll email and/or call every so often to catch up….

        But the ex I’m closest with is naturally my ex husband. We are very close friends. We see each other 2x/week and still text frequently. He is one of my biggest fans. ❤️

  3. I have been thinking about this for much of the day. The ending caught me by surprise and is a good explanation of why I ended my friendship with my ex lover. We were never friends to begin with and started as very intense lovers. I just think there is too much love there for us to be friends. And at the same time, there is something in our dynamic that doesn’t work, so we can’t be lovers either. Ultimately one has to accept the dynamic for what it is and move forward.

  4. Aw, Ann. I’m going to butcher this, but there is that principle of Occam’s Razor that says that often the simplest explanation is the right one (of most honest one). I think that you have nailed it. Nothing that Tony does can be judged impartially for as long as you are emotionally invested (although those of us on the outside can assure you he has behaved in a way that merits losing someone as wonderful as you). If you are at a place of truly accepting this simple explanation, you might have some grief ahead of you, but by working through it, you will finally release yourself, and better yet, with a full heart.

  5. And just like that – so simple. It’s because you’re in love with each other. Such a simple statement, but there is little else more complex. And the truth is, he will never let you go, if he doesn’t absolutely have to. Again-wife is absolutely right about one thing – her issue with him needing to have your friendship (as you are and have always been separate from his friend/family life). She will never trust him so long as he maintains this friendship, and she is totally justified. I can’t pretend to know anything about either of them, but me personally? It’s unlikely that I would let him back into our home if I knew he was continuing a “friendship” with a woman he was once intimate with.
    Cheers to finally moving on, painful though it may be. xoxo

  6. Yup.

    I think that is so true. I’ve finally totally and completely frozen out Beaut (unfollowed him on all social media accounts, blocked him on messenger, etc)… and it is because I have completely and totally fallen out of love with him.

    Glad you know it.


  7. i feel like sometimes you have to stay away NOW, but maybe later in the future when you are not as attached to him you could maybe see what you can be? and that might be awhile in the future, but there was a connection made so…i hope that is a possibility! xxx

What do you think?