I know I’ve said it many times: this blog is extraordinarily helpful for sorting out my crap. I was in a good place with Tony, because I’d blocked him for weeks, successfully. I missed him but it was abstract, and I didn’t feel a pull to reach out or reconnect. When I unblocked him, I experimented with what it was like to be completely reactive – I let him call or text.
It was very minimal contact. It was platonic.
It was a fucking slippery slope.
The tentacles of love and desire and full acceptance got their hold on me again, and the contact increased. Things didn’t stay platonic. None of this was over a long period – perhaps a week or 10 days. It was a small hiccup and I realized I can’t handle any contact with him. I told him it wasn’t good for me and he told me he couldn’t give up on me in his life – even just as a friend. I was already figuring out how to tell him that friendship wasn’t going to work either, when he got found out.
There is unanimous agreement on the blog and my in-person friends that he has to be completely gone from my life. I don’t disagree. And I’ve been thinking about what to say and how to say it, when suddenly in replying to a comment on my last post it came to me.
There’s only one reason: I can’t be friends with him because I’m in love with him, and he with me.
They asked me how I knew
My true love was true
I of course replied
Something here inside cannot be denied
They said “someday you’ll find all who love are blind”
When your heart’s on fire,
You must realize, smoke gets in your eyes
So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed
To think they could doubt my love
Yet today my love has flown away,
I am without my love
Now laughing friends deride
Tears I cannot hide
So I smile and say
When a lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes
Smoke gets in your eyes