I have to be honest about the key male relationships in my life, starting with my Father, and how unavailable men (in one form or another) are the archetype.
While I’ve moved past much of the bad behaviors that would otherwise continue to perpetuate the past, I can’t ignore the reality that those relationships are familiar. And even if painful, they are therefore comfortable. So what happens to me when I don’t have to fight for men to be available to me?
I had practice with Johnny Id, Fox, and even HWSNBN. There were other men who I dated briefly who were smitten. So this isn’t brand-new. When I don’t need to spend my emotional energy fighting, what do I do with that energy? Do I need the chase to be interested?
Maybe, to a point. But I firmly believe if the exact right guy came along, I would see him for what he is even if he was fully available to me. As I’ve written before, I’m not used to this situation, but I don’t believe it’s ultimately what’s causing me to have doubts.
Which leaves Leo.
There is much to say that is good, so I will start with that.
He is honest, trustworthy, and faithful. He is a dedicated and involved father. He is family oriented and has some strong friendships. He speaks well of his mother and his ex-wife. He’s reliable. He is warm. Kind. Self-confident.
Physically, he’s a great kisser and he’s good with his hands. He’s fat, which isn’t a deal-breaker, but I like his face. We have decent physical chemistry. He’s affectionate and he doesn’t shy away from using toys during sex.
However he’s had ED issues (weight related, mostly) and while he has Viagra, didn’t take it on our vacation. I suspect he just figured everything would work, but why not bring insurance? We didn’t have PIV sex 3 of our 4 days there. Yes there were orgasms, and his fisting game is strong, but I need more variety.
Even when it does work, he has only one position – missionary. I had to ask him if I could put my legs on his shoulders once. He’s never done it again. I told him on the vacation I would love to make use of the huge mirror wall beside the bed and perhaps he could take me from behind. He didn’t.
I know he has way less sexual experience than I – a handful of partners. Which doesn’t inherently matter as long as someone is willing to grow and experiment. It’s not a slam dunk with Leo.
He’s super low key. Drama-free. Straightforward. Simple.
Perhaps that’s where some of the other trouble starts. I like drama-free, but too simple doesn’t work for me. I used to say the appeal of my ex-husband was he was complicated and I was never bored; I needed intellectual stimulation. There was truth to that, but with that lack of boredom came a lot of emotional pain.
I was straight-out bored with Fox, and it’s not the same with Leo. But he’s closer to Fox than to my ex. He’s not a big talker, although if I bring up a topic he has an opinion. At the core, he doesn’t challenge me intellectually. Does it matter? I don’t know. I know what I used to tell myself I thought was true, and got want to get caught in the opposite fallacy.
Also, I think I have a good balance between being self-confident and wanting to improve myself. I suppose I’d like someone I date to have a similar balance. Not so overconfident that they don’t believe in personal growth, or the opposite where they are plagued by insecurity.
I’m not exactly sure where Leo and I line up on this front. He told me he’s never thought differently before he met me, and now I’m challenging him to see things in different ways. He says things like “I’ve always been a fat guy” and my heart sinks. So in this area I’m not settled. He says he will do different things with me – concerts, the art gallery – but it hasn’t been proven yet because I’ve spent most of the time we have been dating with a broken leg.
I don’t know where this leaves me. There’s so much to like with him. He’s such a lovely man. I just can’t right now say I know for sure he’s the write man for me.
More to process. More to write. But right now I’m hitting publish without proofreading – whee!!!
Image from the 1955 movie “Stella”