When insecurity with one drives me to others.

Leo and I have the same top two love languages: Quality Time and Physical Touch. He’s not stingy with either; while busy, he finds time to see me. I don’t have to beg for his time or his attention. When we see each other, he’s affectionate.

He’s just not very… overt with his praise.

I guess it’s been building within me these last couple of weeks. A need to hear how he feels. I know he likes me, but I need to hear an “oh my god you’re so beautiful” when he’s got his hands between my thighs. Or some proactive statement, of my appeal to him, or where he sees us going. Something.

My first attempt to get words out of him was when I shared I was feeling vulnerable. He said nice things in the moment. This past week, wrapped in his arms in my bed, I solicited more feedback. I said “obviously I’m needing to hear something from you.”

Nothing is actually wrong.

There are no red flags, no big issues, nothing that is making me think there isn’t still potential with him.

But yet, I find it fascinating that in the absence of hearing what I need to for him, something that isn’t my primary love language, I crave it.

And when I want something, if I can’t get it from one person, sometimes I will seek it out from others.

While just two weeks ago I was happy to not have been tempted by the casual lovers in my life, this yearning for something more has got me even dreaming of sex. Believe it or not,  that’s unusual. At least I’m aware of what’s happening: I have a need, it’s not being fulfilled, and it triggers behavior I wouldn’t otherwise engage in.

So when Clark reached out to me last week, I said yes to seeing him. I didn’t shut Tony down when he flirted with me via text. I revelled in Todd’s messages about how uniquely beautiful he thinks I am. None of it makes me feel better, particularly.

It doesn’t fix anything with Leo.

I am pretty self-aware, so it’s interesting for me to acknowledge how these feelings of insecurity drive me to find meaning and security through others. And then, ultimately, how others don’t provide any security whatsoever.

Hy tells me clearly Leo isn’t the one for me. I’m torn between thinking perhaps a lack of hot emotions is a sign of maturity, or just a lack of strong feelings.

I experience feelings of guilt while at the same time am obstinate in my belief we haven’t agreed to be exclusive. Well, let me clarify – we haven’t agreed to be exclusive, but I wonder if he thinks we are. And I don’t want to mislead him, nor do I want to ask about it. Because if I say “hey, why haven’t you asked about being exclusive” and he says “what do you mean, aren’t we?” I’m stuck. I’d rather have plausible deniability.

So where does that leave me? Kind of in limbo. I don’t particularly want to seek out others, but I don’t want to ask him for more. I don’t want to give up on the idea this could be something significant, but I’m not ready to close all my other doors.

I suppose I should just see what happens, but patience has never been my strong suit.


All pictures from the Leo posts are from the 1962 film “Phaedra”

15 thoughts on “When insecurity with one drives me to others.

  1. Have you sat Leo down and actually told him about the words of affirmation that you need? If you have and the words are lacking, that’s one thing, but if you’ve been less than direct, you’re doing a disservice to you both. Hit him between the eyes with it… let yourself be vulnerable and hopefully adored. 💜

  2. I echo what Little one said only maybe he is one of those that who has a hard time putting his thoughts of you into verbal words.
    IDK…

    Maybe he might feel more comfortable writing down his feelings for you and reading them to you. You could both make lists of what you admire in one another and read them to each other.

    Too corny?

    I think you crave being swept off your feet at some point and time, and the lack of affirmations from him are what’s keeping you in limbo. And keeping those others in your life.

    Hy might be right, but who knows.
    It takes time to build a relationship.
    And if it were me, I’d give it more time.

  3. It’s a bummer, but it’s clear to me from the way you talk about him that you just aren’t that into him :/.

    You like him and he’s nice and good and all the lovely things, but … meh. You aren’t feeling it.

    If you have to talk yourself into it (you did this with Fox also if I recall) when you should be in the throes of NRE, and you are already looking elsewhere for attention and validation, it’s an ‘aw hell no’ even if you wish otherwise.

    And god knows I’ve been there with perfectly lovely and wonderful men who were mad about me: it’s frustrating as hell because I often WANT to feel it. I just… don’t :/.

    Ferns

    • Thanks Ferns. I’m trying really hard to not overthink this and I know I did that with Fox.
      I’m also so very aware that my last two months has been unusual in that I’ve largely been house bound because of my injury. Leo and I have had lots of fun hanging out but my life hasn’t been as busy as it normally is. So I’m trying to just go with the flow and see what happens as I ease back into normalcy.
      I also did tell him that I needed to hear more from him – and I’m not sure if the lack of verbal reassurance is why my fires aren’t super stoked. Perhaps I am “meh”. I am definitely not trying to talk myself into liking him – there is plenty to like. We shall see 🙂
      xoxox

  4. Honestly I think men can just be really dumb when it comes to women, just like we are with men. I realize that no man is going to give us eeeeeeverything we need and want. We just have to find someone who is acceptable to us and try to have the other needs met in the healthiest way possible.

    • Yes I totally agree. I don’t think this is some huge failing on his part – he is very demonstrative in other areas, it’s been unusual for me to need more words so I decided I needed to tell him. Will write about that soon 🙂

  5. You have a guy in Leo who, seemingly, is above and beyond what you typically attract (common denominator in *all* these bad-behaviored men is you) and yet you still seek out other men who don’t actually care about you other than for sex.

    People are their own worst enemies. I think you need to take a hard look in the mirror or visit some professional counseling for help because there is nothing that I have read in these pages which suggests you are relationship material at this stage of your life. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that IF you are being honest and upfront about that with everyone you involve yourself with.

    • Thanks for your comment Jodi. “Above and beyond what you typically attract” is an interesting statement. I’ve met lots of amazing men who just weren’t right for me, for one reason or another. Even recently, I would argue Alan will make another woman very happy. My dating life the last two years hasn’t been a series of douchebags. In fact I’ve dated only a handful of men in that time. Yes I’ve had casual sex partners but that’s my choice, because I love sex and think there’s nothing wrong with having casual partners when you both know what it is and what it’s not. I haven’t ever continued a relationship with someone where I let them believe I wanted more, when I didn’t. I have a strong sense of personal integrity and believe in karma.

      I would casual sex up for the right man, no question. I take a hard look in the mirror all the time – that’s what this blog is – and the fact that I can identify when missing one thing from interactions with someone triggers a desire to find it with others is a perfect example. I notice it in myself and then think about how to deal with it. Which I’ve done and just haven’t written about yet.

      I’m curious why you say I need professional help and I’m not relationship material?

  6. Isn’t the 5 Love Languages a great read. It’s made such a huge difference in my relationships. Sounds like you have a few tangled webs to work through, but isn’t that part of what makes life so exciting?

    • It’s one of the best books I’ve read about relationships because it gives me a framework for thinking things through – as in this case it’s clear to me that Words aren’t Leo’s natural way of expressing love but it doesn’t mean he isn’t showing it in other ways.

What do you think?