Leo and I have the same top two love languages: Quality Time and Physical Touch. He’s not stingy with either; while busy, he finds time to see me. I don’t have to beg for his time or his attention. When we see each other, he’s affectionate.
He’s just not very… overt with his praise.
I guess it’s been building within me these last couple of weeks. A need to hear how he feels. I know he likes me, but I need to hear an “oh my god you’re so beautiful” when he’s got his hands between my thighs. Or some proactive statement, of my appeal to him, or where he sees us going. Something.
My first attempt to get words out of him was when I shared I was feeling vulnerable. He said nice things in the moment. This past week, wrapped in his arms in my bed, I solicited more feedback. I said “obviously I’m needing to hear something from you.”
Nothing is actually wrong.
There are no red flags, no big issues, nothing that is making me think there isn’t still potential with him.
But yet, I find it fascinating that in the absence of hearing what I need to for him, something that isn’t my primary love language, I crave it.
And when I want something, if I can’t get it from one person, sometimes I will seek it out from others.
While just two weeks ago I was happy to not have been tempted by the casual lovers in my life, this yearning for something more has got me even dreaming of sex. Believe it or not, that’s unusual. At least I’m aware of what’s happening: I have a need, it’s not being fulfilled, and it triggers behavior I wouldn’t otherwise engage in.
So when Clark reached out to me last week, I said yes to seeing him. I didn’t shut Tony down when he flirted with me via text. I revelled in Todd’s messages about how uniquely beautiful he thinks I am. None of it makes me feel better, particularly.
It doesn’t fix anything with Leo.
I am pretty self-aware, so it’s interesting for me to acknowledge how these feelings of insecurity drive me to find meaning and security through others. And then, ultimately, how others don’t provide any security whatsoever.
Hy tells me clearly Leo isn’t the one for me. I’m torn between thinking perhaps a lack of hot emotions is a sign of maturity, or just a lack of strong feelings.
I experience feelings of guilt while at the same time am obstinate in my belief we haven’t agreed to be exclusive. Well, let me clarify – we haven’t agreed to be exclusive, but I wonder if he thinks we are. And I don’t want to mislead him, nor do I want to ask about it. Because if I say “hey, why haven’t you asked about being exclusive” and he says “what do you mean, aren’t we?” I’m stuck. I’d rather have plausible deniability.
So where does that leave me? Kind of in limbo. I don’t particularly want to seek out others, but I don’t want to ask him for more. I don’t want to give up on the idea this could be something significant, but I’m not ready to close all my other doors.
I suppose I should just see what happens, but patience has never been my strong suit.
All pictures from the Leo posts are from the 1962 film “Phaedra”