Tony got BUSTED

I haven’t been writing much about Tony these last many weeks, mostly because there isn’t much to say. I blocked him for a while to help myself break old patterns, then when I unblocked him he started calling.

I answered the phone when he called, and found our conversations frustrating – not because of anything he did wrong. I couldn’t find a happy medium where I could be his friend in a way meaningful to me. If he told me anything about the crap in his marriage, I would get (internally) frustrated because I thought he should be trying. Conversely, if he said something was going well, it hurt.

And bottom line is, despite all of his failings, he’s doing stuff with his again-wife and child that I wanted the opportunity to do.

I’d been thinking about whether there could be any real friendship between us. Did I have anything to gain, and the like. One day he called to ask if he could pop by with a coffee so we could catch up. I was working from home (leg injury still an issue) and I decided I would try, and see what it was like.

He brought me a latte and pastry and sat on my couch and for the first time EVER, we were alone together and didn’t have any physical contact other than a hug and kiss on the cheek.

I have a pavlovian response to his cologne (funnily enough, it’s the same scent Hy bought for The Neighbor… and she too had/has issues moving past him, so maybe it’s the smell) yet remained steadfast in my attempt to be above-board. It worked.

I also practiced not asking questions I don’t really want the answers to, and to avoid topics which may trigger bad feelings. It worked. I still found myself irritated at the reality that I was somewhat hidden, and the implications for when and how he could communicate with me.

My Mom, questioning why I wanted to have any contact with him whatsoever, told me since Tony has been consistent, it was up to me to choose whether to get annoyed. I know he can only contact me when he has a “window”, so why get all twisted up about it.

But ultimately, interacting with him at all is a slippery slope.

As I referenced in my last post, one night we were having a now-rare text exchange and he got flirty. I let it happen. I couldn’t get the image of his hands out of my mind. I enjoyed knowing how attracted he still was to me. It still made me uncomfortable, but not entirely so.

It’s not a good place for me to go. I don’t want to go there, I know exactly how it ends. I was prepared to go back to very little contact because I can’t handle anything else.

But seems perhaps there could be a true full no-contact in my immediate future anyway. Because he got busted.


I used to fantasize about it: calling her and telling her he was a liar and a cheat. I don’t know what drove me to want it – my over-inflated sense of justice and fairness, perhaps – but what stopped me were several things. I don’t really want to cause another woman such pain. If she’s chosen to be blind, why should I be the one to open her eyes?

As much as I think I know their story, I only know it from his perspective, and perhaps she knew and accepted him back all the same.

And ultimately, it wasn’t my place. It’s for them to sort out and injecting this information into her world would cause her unnecessary pain, and potentially prevent him from access to his child which is the one thing that drove him away from me, above all. It would punish them both, and I’m not that person.

I should also add that he never asked me to hide our relationship when we were together. While I have a private Facebook account, I posted pictures of our trip to Jamaica together with his full knowledge. I referenced him on Instagram on occasion, again, which he knew about. My friends knew he was my boyfriend.

So I didn’t hide things, and I knew we may have had a couple of mutual “friends” – how close they were I had no idea. But I decided a long time ago even though I had an issue with him keeping me a secret from a few people in his life, including his then ex-wife, I was going to live my life in the open. He knew that.


I don’t know if I’m the reason she found out, but find out she did.

A few nights ago, I went to a sporting event with Liam. Tony called me the day before and mentioned and his son were going as well. We made plans to say hi after the game. I wanted to meet his son but there was no other motivation, or shenanigans.

After the game, we spent about 10 minutes chatting, and I gave his son some team swag I’d received. Tony gave me a long hug when we said goodbye, a chaste but lingering kiss on the mouth, and his hand on my ass – combined it was enough to make me uncomfortable and I wondered if his son noticed, but he is pretty young so I ruled it out.

There was a brief text exchange afterwards about getting home. I told him he smelled good (that darn cologne!).  I said I was tempted to make out on the sidewalk with him but supposed it would have been awkward.

He replied “there’s always all week” and we flirted a bit via text. There was a very small chance I would follow through on it but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate the quick flirtatious banter, even if it also made me feel awkward, for multiple reasons. His situation, Leo, and knowing it’s not good for me.


Fast forward to the next day. I was with colleagues for a drink after work and saw I missed a call from him. Half an hour later I texted: “The colleague sitting next to me is wearing your cologne and it’s killing me. I can call you in a few.”

I wish it was a joke. A man who is on my team but from another country, who I wasn’t attracted to in the least, sat next to me and the fucking Chanel Bleu wafting off of him had me completely off kilter. I now think I should buy it for every man I know so I can make non-Tony memories with that scent.


My text message didn’t go through. It went to that familiar Ann-you’re-blocked green bubble. Huh?

When I followed up again a couple of hours later, he called me. I said “hey, did you block me?” and sounding horrible, he said yes, he had to, he couldn’t risk any messages from me because she found out we had gone to Jamaica together. There had been a lot of crying and screaming and he wasn’t allowed in the house at the moment. He was at his apartment.

I probed for more information and he said he didn’t want to talk about it; didn’t want to relive it. He said he’d told her he and I had broken up after their trip last Spring where they agreed to move back together.

I told him I wanted to know what happened and he said he would call me tomorrow.


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19 thoughts on “Tony got BUSTED

  1. OMG! Napoleon wore Chanel Bleu too… I totally get it.

    I don’t feel bad for Tony. This was a possibility. He made his bed. I’m glad that she didn’t find out through you though. I’m very curious to see what follows. This is the time to lay low!

    • Yup, while I know he didn’t tell her while we were dating, or even afterwards, for fear of being denied his kid and a chance at their relationship again, I can’t help but think had he been more open (maybe not about some of our more recent trysts), it would have gone differently. Hard to know as I’m on the outside… but I’m not surprised his lies caught up with him.

      And what is it about that scent?!

  2. Oh boy! I’m not at all surprised that his lies caught up to him either.
    I do wonder how she found out though…
    Staying tuned!

  3. You reap what you sow. I don’t wish bad on anyone, but Tony was obviously, perhaps subconsciously, wanting to get caught. Now he has to deal with his actions. Wow – isn’t that what adults do? Take responsibility for their actions? I am so sorry for his wife’s pain. But ASV – please remember that YOU are in no way responsible for any of this. Glad you are on the mend.

    • I am sorry for her pain as well. Although I can’t be a hypocrite… her potential pain before didn’t outweigh my need to continue to see him and say goodbye in my own time.
      But yes, this is absolutely the natural consequence of the bed of lies he’s made. So many lies and avoidances. I can’t help but think there was an opportunity at some point, maybe even now, for him to use the situation to be honest about what he needs to move forward in a better relationship with her. But I so can’t see that happening.

  4. When you said no contact and busted I though he was busted for drugs and in jail. Busted to Americans means drugs. It’s about time his lies caught up with him. I feel bad for his wife and child but not him!! I hope this gives him a good reason to look at reality, change his ways, and another American saying, shit or get off the pot!

  5. We can safely guess that Tony didn’t want to go in 100% in his marriage, and things were probably beginning to feel too intimate and too confining for him which is his issue, not theirs. My guess is that he would have started pushing it more with you, and if you resisted, he would have found someone else to push things with. Why he doesn’t just leave his marriage and be on his own? Because that would mean *taking responsibility* of disappointing his wife and breaking up their family, and being the Bad Guy which is the most terrifying thing for him ever. Ironically, he is more the Bad Guy when he lets things explode like this, but he can’t do it on a conscious and empowered level… he can only be the victim and *let* it happen through his acting out. I hope that you have the willpower to steer clear TF away as the cards continue to fall. I know that it will be hard, because, if anything, you are invested in knowing *what* happened.

    • I actually don’t think he would have found someone else other than me, at least not in the near term. Sure, in the scenario where he and I don’t have any interaction for a year or two, and he met someone else who made him feel good and who would do things with him he doesn’t do in his marriage… absolutely he would go there. BUT I give myself more credit for what keeps him bound to me than just his desire to get laid.

      He doesn’t leave his marriage because he doesn’t want to. He left (was kicked out) three years ago and was miserable. Despite falling in love with me he went back to it, so pretty sure he’s not going to choose to leave again.

What do you think?