I’m conflicted between calm and needing excitement.

The hot: Our last (and second) overnight date saw Leo continue our fisting adventure, this time adding double penetration with his hands and the Hitachi, for long enough at times I almost saw stars.

I could kiss him for hours.

The sweet: Every time he woke up that night, he wrapped me in his arms. He would nuzzle the back of my neck. He gives me bear hugs and tells me how good I feel.

He sends sweet memes.

The work-in-progress: He’s working on his weight loss. A good start, but a long way to go. It’s had an impact on his – ahem – ability to perform. It’s clearly not a deal-breaker for me at this point.

The mature: He made arrangements to go see his Doctor next week to deal with his performance issues, and he told me about it. When I asked him why he’s okay with taking it slow, he told me he doesn’t want to get hurt. He’s had long-term relationships before. He feels it’s important to know someone has long-term potential before they meet his friends or his children. He hasn’t asked to be exclusive even though I know he’s not with anyone else.

The challenge: It’s mature. It’s sweet. It’s hot. And while I’m totally fine with the pace – after all, if he asks for exclusivity I would give it to him, and it’s goodbye Lewis, Clark, and Todd – there’s a part of me that wonders why he hasn’t asked for it yet.

I’ve been decently good at keeping the overthinking at bay. Two years ago or even three there is no way I would be this chilled out about things. I would push and dissect. Never mind I’m okay with taking it at this pace. I want this pace. I used to get so wrapped up in why the other party didn’t, I forgot what I wanted in the first place.

My suspicion is he’s fighting an internal fight. After all, a man who sends the kinds of memes he does – about finding the right person at the right time, being the reason he smiles when he wakes up, and the like – is super into me. But he also knows that the mature thing is to give a relationship some space and time.

We jointly agreed he shouldn’t attend my annual January party. There were too many friends for him to meet all at once. I didn’t want to yet again have a man only attend one of those parties (Johnny Id, Fox, HWSNBN) and to have to explain to my friends what happened to this one. He didn’t want to run the friend gauntlet.

How mature of us.

The challenge is wanting fireworks, but knowing their presence isn’t ultimately a good sign. This isn’t limerance. This is balanced, real, mature, and the right pace. The fireworks are in the bedroom when he plunges his fingers between my wet thighs, gripping the back of my head and sucking my breasts hard enough I orgasm just from that stimulation.

That’s where the fireworks should be.

I catch myself wanting to lose myself in the romance. I want to write about passionate and frenetic words spoken. I crave a bit of the intensity of some past loves. And then I remind myself how they ended. The man who said he loved me on our third date has a restraining order against him. The one who wanted me to be his whole life lost his shit when he realized it wouldn’t happen. The one with whom I had a 4am-ending first date, who sent electricity through my whole body when he touched me… well that was 2 roller coaster years.

Instead, I have this.

This feels like what it should really be. Maybe my century-club man will be around for a while.

All pictures from the Leo posts are from the 1962 film “Phaedra”

25 thoughts on “I’m conflicted between calm and needing excitement.

    • It *is* good, isn’t it? I had a brainwave at the end of my last post… we try to replicate what we know in our relationships. I’m used to emotionally unavailable men, so while it hurts, it’s familiar. This is unfamiliar, and good. I need to stick with it.

    • Lack of conflict is good. He’s not dull…it’s not like Mr Fox where I was really struggling with being bored and uninterested. But there isn’t the same fireworks and drama … which I don’t really want but it’s familiar to me!!

  1. I feel like explosive fireworks is an indicator of my unhealthy self at work. Acute, intense feelings are teenager type relationships, going too fast, or perhaps too forbidden, or maybe my subconscience self knows the moment is fleeting so everything is dialed up.
    I look at the type of love that I have for my son – unconditional, unbreakable and the purest I could feel. I think true, long term love feels more like that; steady, whole, healthy, strong, sweet and at times, it takes your breath away and you want to hold onto it forever. It feels more like the best friendship ever, filled with trust and intimacy. With a lot of orgasms. 😊

  2. I think Brazen nailed it. He’s being mature and not rushing things, however, he’s providing all the verbal & non-verbal reassurance that he is totally into you. It’s clear he has been hurt in the past, so he’s cautious. I think he might not be demanding exclusivity because perhaps there is a part of him that believes he isn’t deserving. Think about it – he’s got both performance & weight issues (which may be connected). He’s dating you – a very sexual being. I wonder if part of him thinks that at some point PIV sex is going to be essential for you. Men, according to my sex guru Dan Savage, think that way because they don’t realize the majority of women don’t orgasm from PIV sex but from other forms. Any way, enjoy this – it’s part of your journey. I think you are smart to not have him at your January party. Take it slow & see what happens. Congrats!!

    • I haven’t pushed him on the exclusivity conversation (meaning trying to understand) because I’m not quite ready to be exclusive yet. But I agree with you… I think it’s partly because he can’t quite perform the way he wants, and partly because he’s not sure he can ask it of me yet.

      I do think PIV sex is essential to me at some point, it’s a connection unlike any other, for me. But it’s worked a couple of times, and I have faith that once more weight comes off it will be better.

      Thank you so much for your support 🙂

  3. I agree with Maggie about the “deserving” doubts. I have commented before about the intimidation factor with respect to a previous prospect. You’re sexuality might lead Leo to doubt that he “measures up”. I’m sure you do, but if not, be sure to make it clear that he does!

    • Leo doesn’t strike me as that worried about measuring up. Despite being quite overweight, he’s still confident and not worried about his body. He also doesn’t know about all of my history – it’s never come up, and I don’t think he particularly cares. I suspect he just doesn’t want to ask yet, because he doesn’t want to push me, and probably because he wants to make sure everything works properly!!

  4. Maybe he’s waiting for you to mention being exclusive first. And I can’t help but think orgasms are well and great but penetrative sex is also very important, to both of you. I would worry more about that than his weight. Didn’t the doctor prescribe some performance enhancing drugs?

  5. You lost me at double penetration combo of fist AND Hitachi! lol I couldn’t concentrate after that line… It sounds super nice, even if it isn’t perfect. Enjoy it while you have it and don’t look the gift horse in the mouth.

      • Glad I could make you laugh. And glad that you’re getting crazy good orgasms. Vaginas are amazing things, and I’m kind of amazed that you could stretch to manage both a fist AND a toy…that’s porn start stuff right there! Enjoy!

  6. I am thinking, regarding exclusivity… he may not want to ask for it because he may not need it?
    Or because he’s afraid it would be a deal breaker for you.
    Us humans are strange creatures. Sometimes we put thoughts in the heads of others (like you did with him assuming he doesn’t WANT exclusivity 😉 ).
    So don’t assume it’s about him not wanting you. Maybe it’s just about him fearing rejection, or feeling that exclusivity is not a bog enough deal that he wants to risk losing you/the relationship he envisions may be possible with you…

    Just my midnight thoughts on this.
    Good night!

    • Did I say I’ve assumed he doesn’t want exclusivity? I don’t think that at all. He hasn’t asked for it, but I know at some point he wants it, given the discussions we’ve had.

What do you think?