I am writing this post fresh. Freshly angry. Apologies in advance for a lack of editing and shitty structure.
You’ll surely recall he (Tony) fucked me on Christmas eve, in the midst of family-oriented errands. He was fully ensconced in family time for Christmas and days afterwards. So naturally, he didn’t reach out. I am not part of that part of his life.
Which honestly down to my core was just fine – because it helped me put more nails in the coffin of what was left of our relationship.
It boils down to this:
One: I’ve known for a long time he was a liar, but the ease with which he fucked me on Christmas Eve, even after his wife calling to see when he would be getting home? That is full douchebag territory.
While I admit douchebags have some appeal to me, I have a tipping point.
Two: A friendship is about give-and-take. In order to me to be friends with Tony, I need to get something out of the friendship as well. And no, this isn’t about never being selfless – but for me to choose to remain friends with this man, I need a benefit. Sex doesn’t count.
What has become even more apparent to me since we’ve been on our “reduced communication plan” is things are very one-sided. When we said goodbye to our relationship, Tony promised me I could call him anytime and he would do anything for me. I think he actually believes it to be true. But because I don’t exist in his family and friend world, it isn’t practical.
Meaning, I can’t call or text him anytime. He needs to communicate with me on his terms. He can’t answer his phone if he’s with her – because we aren’t friends. I am nobody in any part of his world.
Three: Even if we are to talk – when he deigns to call me, of course – the conversations are frustrating. He doesn’t want to tell me when things are good with her because he fears hurting me. The more he complains about things I just get angry that he’s not trying 100% to make things right with her. And he still hasn’t moved back in, and his stated reasons are just…baffling.
I know myself well enough to know my curiosity will get me into trouble. I will ask questions I don’t want the answers to. I want him to step up and do the right thing – to not be a coward – but it will hurt when I hear things are going well.
So I stopped proactively calling or texting (and had stopped for the last several weeks). He calls me when he wants and I get frustrated at our discussions when he does. I was pretty much at the point where I would be okay if we didn’t speak for months.
This past week, he was on a beach vacation with his son, his wife, and her parents and siblings. He called me the night before he left and said he would call when he returned. Sure, fine.
He called me today.
I’d be surprised if he calls me again anytime soon.
Long story short? He started by saying the trip was “okay”, then not great, because he counts sex on vacation as required for great, and he didn’t have any sex. Then he said it was fun and they were cute together, like college roommates.
He said “I guess it’s just what my life is going to be like now so I might as well get used to it.”
Which drives me fucking batty. Goddamn fucking coward who can’t own his decisions.
I made a comment about how he was only in touch when it was convenient for him, because I was still a secret. He said “we happened to talk about you quite a bit on the trip.”
Wait – what?
He told me she asked him, over dinner, who I was and whether we’d dated. Did he take the opportunity to come clean? Nope.
I had put a post up on Instagram when he was away that referenced my ex-boyfriend calling me a cactus, but didn’t do anything outrageous like tag him or mention him by name. Regardless, my profile is private for a reason.
He made a side comment that maybe she saw my cactus post and that’s what led her to ask. I reminded him my profile was private. He didn’t know.
It reminded me how conflict averse he is. Instead of coming out and saying “hey Ann, what are you doing by posting that kind of thing” he just let it come up sideways.
I asked him why he didn’t tell her we had dated and he fed me some bullshit about how it wasn’t the right time to have that conversation. Sure. Like it was the only time he had that opportunity (she’d asked about me before).
I pressed. “Why wouldn’t you tell her that you and I were dating – after she’d kicked you out and you weren’t together at all? You could have just told a partial truth.”
I kept going. “Unless you just kept her on the hook for the entire 2 years, Tony? Because why not come clean otherwise? What are you going to do if/when she finds out?”
He said he didn’t think I would come up in conversation again. I told him I thought he was playing with fire, and to think about what she would do if she found out. I reminded him we have mutual friends. “Didn’t she kick you out after finding out about your last affair?”
It went downhill from there. I yelled a bit.
I said things like:
She asked him to move back 4 months after he and I started dating and was willing to wait a year before he agreed. He lies so blithely about everything, how was I to believe him that he didn’t keep her on the hook the entire time?
While he had promised I could call him anytime and he would do anything for me, what he’s proven since is it’s completely on his terms. His assertion it was all because his phone was busted was bullshit.
That he could still lie like this makes me call into question the things he told me.
I asked him what he wanted from me. He said “to be friends, Ann.” When I told him I didn’t see how that could happen when I was a secret, when he could only call when he was alone, or fit me in between errands, he told me I was no longer secret. He insisted she knew he visited me in the hospital, and that he came to bring me cheese on Christmas Eve. I told him I was sorry, but I didn’t believe him.
He said he didn’t call to argue. Of course. He apologized for making me feel bad. He said he had to go because he’d “arrived at his destination” (home) and had to make dinner. He said “I’m trying to do that more.”
“Well you are supposed to be living there now.”
“I’m working on it.”
“Good for you, Tony. Goodbye.”
I don’t need this shit in my life.
(Happy to take bets on when he will call me next)