I can still get really angry – at Tony

I am writing this post fresh. Freshly angry. Apologies in advance for a lack of editing and shitty structure.

You’ll surely recall he (Tony) fucked me on Christmas eve, in the midst of family-oriented errands. He was fully ensconced in family time for Christmas and days afterwards. So naturally, he didn’t reach out. I am not part of that part of his life.

Which honestly down to my core was just fine – because it helped me put more nails in the coffin of what was left of our relationship.

It boils down to this:

One: I’ve known for a long time he was a liar, but the ease with which he fucked me on Christmas Eve, even after his wife calling to see when he would be getting home? That is full douchebag territory.

While I admit douchebags have some appeal to me, I have a tipping point.

Two: A friendship is about give-and-take. In order to me to be friends with Tony, I need to get something out of the friendship as well. And no, this isn’t about never being selfless – but for me to choose to remain friends with this man, I need a benefit. Sex doesn’t count.

What has become even more apparent to me since we’ve been on our “reduced communication plan” is things are very one-sided. When we said goodbye to our relationship, Tony promised me I could call him anytime and he would do anything for me. I think he actually believes it to be true. But because I don’t exist in his family and friend world, it isn’t practical.

Meaning, I can’t call or text him anytime. He needs to communicate with me on his terms. He can’t answer his phone if he’s with her – because we aren’t friends. I am nobody in any part of his world.

Three: Even if we are to talk – when he deigns to call me, of course – the conversations are frustrating. He doesn’t want to tell me when things are good with her because he fears hurting me. The more he complains about things I just get angry that he’s not trying 100% to make things right with her. And he still hasn’t moved back in, and his stated reasons are just…baffling.

I know myself well enough to know my curiosity will get me into trouble. I will ask questions I don’t want the answers to. I want him to step up and do the right thing – to not be a coward – but it will hurt when I hear things are going well.

So I stopped proactively calling or texting (and had stopped for the last several weeks). He calls me when he wants and I get frustrated at our discussions when he does. I was pretty much at the point where I would be okay if we didn’t speak for months.

This past week, he was on a beach vacation with his son, his wife, and her parents and siblings. He called me the night before he left and said he would call when he returned. Sure, fine.

He called me today.

I’d be surprised if he calls me again anytime soon.

Long story short? He started by saying the trip was “okay”, then not great, because he counts sex on vacation as required for great, and he didn’t have any sex. Then he said it was fun and they were cute together, like college roommates.

Jesus.

He said “I guess it’s just what my life is going to be like now so I might as well get used to it.”

Which drives me fucking batty. Goddamn fucking coward who can’t own his decisions.

I made a comment about how he was only in touch when it was convenient for him, because I was still a secret. He said “we happened to talk about you quite a bit on the trip.”

Wait – what?

He told me she asked him, over dinner, who I was and whether we’d dated. Did he take the opportunity to come clean? Nope.

I had put a post up on Instagram when he was away that referenced my ex-boyfriend calling me a cactus, but didn’t do anything outrageous like tag him or mention him by name. Regardless, my profile is private for a reason.

He made a side comment that maybe she saw my cactus post and that’s what led her to ask. I reminded him my profile was private. He didn’t know.

It reminded me how conflict averse he is. Instead of coming out and saying “hey Ann, what are you doing by posting that kind of thing” he just let it come up sideways.

I asked him why he didn’t tell her we had dated and he fed me some bullshit about how it wasn’t the right time to have that conversation. Sure. Like it was the only time he had that opportunity (she’d asked about me before).

I pressed. “Why wouldn’t you tell her that you and I were dating – after she’d kicked you out and you weren’t together at all? You could have just told a partial truth.”

He deflected.

I kept going. “Unless you just kept her on the hook for the entire 2 years, Tony? Because why not come clean otherwise? What are you going to do if/when she finds out?”

He said he didn’t think I would come up in conversation again. I told him I thought he was playing with fire, and to think about what she would do if she found out. I reminded him we have mutual friends. “Didn’t she kick you out after finding out about your last affair?”

“Yes”

It went downhill from there. I yelled a bit.

I said things like:

She asked him to move back 4 months after he and I started dating and was willing to wait a year before he agreed. He lies so blithely about everything, how was I to believe him that he didn’t keep her on the hook the entire time?

While he had promised I could call him anytime and he would do anything for me, what he’s proven since is it’s completely on his terms. His assertion it was all because his phone was busted was bullshit.

That he could still lie like this makes me call into question the things he told me.

I asked him what he wanted from me. He said “to be friends, Ann.” When I told him I didn’t see how that could happen when I was a secret, when he could only call when he was alone, or fit me in between errands, he told me I was no longer secret. He insisted she knew he visited me in the hospital, and that he came to bring me cheese on Christmas Eve. I told him I was sorry, but I didn’t believe him.

He said he didn’t call to argue. Of course. He apologized for making me feel bad. He said he had to go because he’d “arrived at his destination” (home) and had to make dinner. He said “I’m trying to do that more.”

“Well you are supposed to be living there now.”

“I’m working on it.”

“Good for you, Tony. Goodbye.”

I don’t need this shit in my life.

(Happy to take bets on when he will call me next)

21 thoughts on “I can still get really angry – at Tony

  1. I know what Tony wants from you. He wants, in the end of the day, for you not to think of him as the Bad Guy. You said it right. He can’t own any of his decisions. Deep down, he knows he hurt you, but he also can’t handle the thought of you holding this against him, of you having a diminished opinion of him. He is trying to manage you with these lame offers of a friendship so you will see him as being a nice guy. He still lusts after you, but he also wants you to have sex with him because there is no higher affirmation of the power he still holds over you. He doesn’t care about you. He only cares that you see him in a positive light. This is perhaps exactly what he did with his wife for the last two years. He left open the hope of reconciliation, lied and downplayed his his interest in other women, so she wouldn’t see him has being a Bad Guy. Same can be said about how he interacts with his child. He is doing exactly the same to you. I am feeling strongly about this – all of his actions and motivations boil down to, “What will it take so no one sees me as a Bad Guy?”

    • He’s incredibly conflict averse – probably a part of the “not a bad guy” thing. He lies to do what he thinks avoids pain for the people he cares about (the only thing I disagree with above is he does care for me). But by doing so he keeps power and takes away choice from others.

  2. Yeah, I was a little strong when I said he doesn’t care. I am sorry about that. Of course he does, and he acts on it when it doesn’t threaten the stability of his appearance to others… but when push comes to shove, he has also shown his capacity to be deeply uncaring towards you. He is disrespectful towards you and has no qualms shutting you down, minimizing you, lying to you, and lying about you, which is him acting in an uncaring way, even when he simultaneously can be very caring. He is perhaps lying to minimize people’s pain. But, the first and foremost person he wants to protect is himself. I would bet that as much as it makes his heart ache to see someone hurt, it probably scares him more to feel responsible for that. So, there is some of both. I have much sympathy/empathy for this situation, having still not totally extricated a similarly-motivated person from under my skin, and also being somewhat of a conflict-averse people-pleaser myself. It is a very tricky thing to do. Damn it. :-S

    • Yup. He told me a long time ago that she kicked him out, accusing him of having an affair. He told me it was emotional but never physical. I don’t really believe the latter – I suspect there was some physical aspect to it.

      He’s consistent :/

  3. I am not sure that I believe him when he says that she knows about his visits to you.
    I honestly think he knows he’s losing ground with you and maybe this is his twisted way of trying to prove to you that you are a little part of his life as it is now. A friend. I hope you follow what I mean here.
    Also, she’s been through this with him before and that phone call checking in with him while he was at your place may have triggered her suspicions. IDK.
    And the fact that he isn’t living with her yet may very well be her decision because she doesn’t trust him enough yet. (Or he doesn’t trust himself!)
    And do you think he’d ever admit to you that she isn’t ready for him to move back in?
    I may be way off base here. Or not.

  4. ^^^What Jcisme said. That’s an interesting perspective. As for me, I’m not a betting woman, so I won’t bet on when you’ll hear from him again. I suspect you will always hear from him, so long as you continue to take his calls/engage him/etc. You already know you need to shut him down, permanently, so my suggestion there is not news to you. I’m glad you’re angry – not because you’re unhappily angry, but because I think you need to get really angry enough to have “had enough.” So disappointed in Tony. Bad dog! You could respond to all of his future texts that way. 😉

  5. I keep wondering why you put up with all of his bullshit. You deserve better and need to stop seeing, answering, talking to him, etc. Since you allow it, he continues with it and it only hurts you in the long run and that isn’t healthy for anyone.

    • Very fair question Pam. I was okay with him coming to visit me in the hospital. But the times he’s called me (I haven’t called or texted proactively in many weeks), and the other time I saw him, were just frustrating. I was trying to see whether the occasional conversation would be okay with me, and it’s simply not. Just causes me grief without any benefit.

  6. My feelings aren’t involved so of course I don’t see much complexity. I believe he’ll do whatever he is allowed to do with you because he wants to. I don’t think his actions and his boundaries show any more or less than that. I think his feelings for you are compartmentalized very well because they have to be in order for him to maintain his family as he wants it. He’s working as hard as he can to keep you in any way you will allow. I would say his standards for a relationship with you are extremely below your standards for quality.
    How clean cut it would be if he were to cut his ties with you on his own for the sake of what he wants. It’ll turn ugly when you’ve had enough great sex. Give it one year.
    haha just kidding with you. My guess is that you’re almost done with him.

  7. These are copy pasted sentences from an article I just got done reading, but made me think of Tony and the way he has treated you:

    Television and movies lied to you. You don’t change him. An epiphany doesn’t hit in the middle of the night. There’s no grand gesture or sweeping overture that lets you know the big romantic finish is coming.

    If he doesn’t make an effort, if he gives only the bare minimum, if his interest in you seems permanently tangled up in his own loneliness or sex drive, that’s all this will ever be.

    Full article here:
    http://thoughtcatalog.com/ari-eastman/2017/01/you-deserve-someone-who-will-give-you-more-than-a-you-up-text/

  8. “I’ve known for a long time he was a liar, but the ease with which he fucked me on Christmas Eve, even after his wife calling to see when he would be getting home? That is full douchebag territory.

    That says it all, Ann.
    You’ve made the right choice, my lovely friend.
    Be well.

What do you think?