My first breakup by text.

I wrote recently about how Alan’s persistence and being so nice to me when last over at my place made it difficult for me to tell him it was over between us.

The day after his visit, he sent me a series of texts about wanting to go on a trip with me. It was a long list of random places he wanted to go. He said he wanted to travel with me. He thought I would have a good sense of where to go, how to get there or find out, that I wasn’t scared to see and try things. 

Next day late afternoon he wished me a happy New Year’s Eve. I replied in kind. The next day he sent nothing but a picture of a wine bottle that happened to bear his family’s name. I replied, “fun”.

A few hours later he sent a very strange and rambling email asking whether the heads of my company had pointy heads, because that’s the sign of the Illuminati. He went on to explain that they are the descendants of an alien race which has populated the planet.

He was drunk, then telling me how many drinks he had, but unfortunately I couldn’t chalk it all up to alcohol.

I didn’t bother replying.

The next day we had the following exchange:

Him: “Dr app. Today or tomorrow”

Me: “Tomorrow”

Him: “You ever been to a korean bbq restaurant?”

Me: “Nope.”

Him: “Everything alright? You having any meetings today?”

Me: “I’m fine; but tired.”

And that was it.

And when I say “that was it”, I mean, I didn’t hear from him for days. No follow-up asking me how my appointment went. Even Tony called to inquire (I didn’t take his call because I was with Leo, but we spoke the following day). He didn’t call and he didn’t text.

For. Five. Days.

And yes, of course had I really wanted to talk to him I would have reached out. I’m not above a double text. I just didn’t get up the energy to call him to tell him we were done. Yet I didn’t feel right about sending him a text. I drafted a few versions, none of which I sent.

Until today.

This morning he texted “Good morning Ann, how did app with dr go? Jan 11 I am going to my union hall would you like me to come over for the night?”

At that moment, I decided since he’d waited five days to ask, I wasn’t going to worry too much about whether a text breakup was appropriate. I couldn’t be bothered.

For the first time ever, I broke up with a guy by text. Sure, I’d sent “thanks for the date last night it was nice to meet you but I don’t think we are compatible” type texts. But Alan had been around for a few months and we’d seen each other probably ten times.

A few hours later, I replied: “My appointment was five days ago, Alan. It went well I suppose, but I have a long haul ahead of me. Several more weeks of a new cast and can’t put weight on it. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from you in days, again. I’ve been thinking a lot – nothing else to do – and I don’t think it’s going to work between us. You’re a kind man, a good combination of nice and naughty. But I just don’t see a long term future for us.”

I thought it was nice, for a breakup text.

His reply, two-and-a-half hours later? “I was seeing if you would even text me and you didn’t. Good luck to you and your son. Bye.”

Well, well, well. I replied “Sure, Alan” and nothing else. Two years ago I would have been hell-bent on getting him to admit it was bullshit. But I realized it didn’t matter. There’s no way he wasn’t hurt; you won’t convince me his text today was the text of someone uninterested. I didn’t expect graciousness and I didn’t get it.

And it’s perfectly fine.


I realized when titling this post that I have had breakups over text before: Fox comes to mind. He lost his shit after finding my blog and broke up with me via text. Volumes and volumes of spite-filled texts. But outside of those kinds of crises, this is the first time I’ve been dating someone for a few months and told them via text I didn’t want to see them anymore. 

23 thoughts on “My first breakup by text.

  1. And by trying to put the blame on you by say that he was waiting to see if you would text? Wow! Yes I’d say that confirms it alright. You did the right thing and his drunk texts are sure out there. Pointy cone heads? LMAO!!

    • Right?! It’s true he may have figured out my diminishing interest. But if it was me, my concern for the person would override a test. I’m mostly house bound and pretty down about everything…and he knows that. And yeah, he said he loved to debate me but when he started defending Trump again in our last “debate”, and then couldn’t even say he’d listened to some of the full transcripts / speeches (he defended the “grab them by the pussy” comment yet hadn’t listened to the whole thing) I was done. At least have full knowledge.

    • After seeing his response, I didn’t feel bad about it. I’ve waited someone out like that before, but I wouldn’t have if the tables were turned – not if someone was injured and sick.

        • I’m not a fan of games. I have however stopped pursuing someone via text to get a sense of what their “natural” communication frequency is… but usually not because it’s game playing but more because for someone like Lewis I know now I don’t hear from him for several days but he goes communication consistently. Just not frequently.

  2. Ehh…he knew what was going on with you. Therefore his response is kind of stupid. I’ve done that before, waited to see if they’d text. But not if I knew something was wrong.

    • I’ve definitely waited before. Sometimes I’ve proactively asked if something has changed. But In general I do try to be gracious when someone is kind and generous, even if I don’t like the message.

  3. I bet it is a relief regardless of how it went down. There are tons of non verbal clues in what you said if you choose to look, but in the end, you got the desired outcome.

  4. Pointy heads, lmao!
    I, too, think you did the right thing. I like that you tried to give it a chance, but ultimately he was missing a few links. You dodged a “crazy” bullet. As for politics, I believe two people can have differing views (ie. One of my friends and her husband are in different political parties) and make it work, but this election is a whole other ball game. I have friends who voted for that asshat, and I’m still struggling to keep my thoughts to myself.

  5. You seemed surprised that after after a number of dates and a five day silence he still didn’t come back with a “please Ann can we try again”.

    • No, I wasn’t surprised. Not sure if you read the prior post, but he did that very thing a few weeks ago after not being in contact for the week after I got out of the hospital. I called him out on it and he practically begged for a second chance. But also, this time, my message to him wasn’t about the silence as much as it was our incompatibility.

  6. Good for you. I think that it’s karmically important to not collect active relationships with people whom we can give ourselves over to freely. About text: when that is the mainstay of communication, I know from my own experience that we see what we want to see in it. When we feel good about someone, we infuse a positive quality to their texts. When we don’t, we see the negative. There’s a lack of context and inflection and body language to fill in the gaps. I recently met someone on okcupid and enjoyed our communications and imagined a very sweet person on the other end when it seemed like we were heading towards a date. After he last-minute rescheduled, then ultimately flaked, I then read his texts in a different light, I dropped the phone and walked away, seeing a very different man, but I tried not to invest too much. It’s good to not read too much. You knew in your gut that Alan wasn’t right for you. Breaking things off is always a little painful. Text in you case is fine if there was the distance and limited availability factor. Now there’s less noise for the next venture to compete with.

What do you think?