He had been so insistent about coming to visit me and wanting to take care of me for a couple of days, I didn’t feel comfortable saying no. But I knew things weren’t going to continue as they had.
The prior several weeks I’d realized no men got me emotionally excited, and I started to feel perhaps I would be fine just letting him go.
I haven’t missed online dating; I closed my profiles in early September. Leo and Alan were the two men I was still dating from that time, and I hadn’t seen Leo in weeks.
The process of finally extracting myself emotionally from Tony took longer than I expected or wanted to admit. A month ago, I felt emotionally quiet, and that was okay.
When I think about 2016 from a relationship perspective, it’s no surprise I was okay with a break. I’d had the gut-wrenching breakup with Tony in January, then the (actual) abuse from HWSNBN in February, which took months to recover from.
Tony’s presence during that time was beneficial at some levels, both practically and emotionally, but I know it delayed the final separation I needed. Because we were still in touch, I had to deal with his secret vacation with his “ex” and their agreement he’d move back in.
When I went back online again in late Spring, I had weird experiences with Ian and frustrating ones with Kyle and Drew. It was enough to put me over the edge again. I had enough men to fill my time if I wanted without that keening frustrating of trying to date unsuccessfully. Lewis, Clark, Jake, and Tony (unfortunately) were happy to keep me occupied.
And then I met Leo and Alan when I dipped my toe in the water again.
All that to say, with Alan I enjoyed the time we spent together, but he didn’t really get me excited. His failure to be there for me when I really could have used his support was the tipping point; I knew there wasn’t going to be a real future for us.
And the moment I know that, I think it’s wrong to continue dating someone unless they know exactly where I stand. I had told Leo I didn’t have the emotional or practical energy for a relationship, and he was okay with seeing me when I could make time.
I needed to tell Alan something similar.
I hadn’t thought through the exact words, and was stuck in the realization I probably didn’t want to see him anymore at all. There were just too many differences I didn’t think we could practically overcome. I firmly believe I need to accept someone exactly as they are, and I couldn’t do that with him.
While it was nice to be with someone completely emotionally available, and who was interested in my pleasure and happiness, there are too many practical differences. In addition to the distance, we have vastly different financial situations. While someone’s salary isn’t a real factor for me in a mate, in Alan’s case, I knew he just couldn’t do some of the things I want to do.
I could list so many things which I knew would become irritants or major issues: differences in education levels (he can’t spell “maybe” and he says “seen” instead of “saw”), interests, experiences, attitudes, politics (I refuse to talk about the U.S. election any more with him)… the list goes on. There is no way this man is going to be my boyfriend.
But he showed up on my doorstep, super sweet and attentive, with a full dinner he’d made. He had sex with me on my couch shortly after he arrived and I realized then and there I just couldn’t tell him we were done. He would have had a 3 hour drive home and it was late. I felt guilty and like I was using him.
Which I suppose I did. We watched a movie and I napped on his lap. He drank a stream of beers while I nursed soda water. He tried to convince me of the presence of the Illuminati and told me of conspiracy theories. He complained the truffles in the bowl on my coffee table were dark chocolate.
But he took me upstairs and cuddled me and then fucked me silly. He is large and strong and loves to put his right arm under my shoulders to hold me tight against him. Looking at him afterwards, I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t tell him there wasn’t going to be any more to our relationship and because of that, I didn’t think we should see each other again.
He had to leave early the next morning (his plans had changed, no longer were we spending more than a quick overnight together) and we haven’t spoken on the phone since.
I have to tell him, and will hopefully get the courage up to do it today or tomorrow.