I’ve finally cured myself of my tendency to over-think everything. While I’ve had plenty male experiences to keep my mind occupied in the last few months, one thing I haven’t done is go down any rabbit holes of what-could-be and what-if.
It’s rather refreshing, frankly.
With Alan, while there were some things that concerned me about our potential compatibility, I decided to just let things play out. And play out, they have.
His work schedule and location varies. Usually he starts at 7am, if not before. His home is almost 3 hours from mine, so it’s not exactly conductive to seeing each other. He can’t pop by for a late night visit on the couch. We can’t meet for a lunch during the week. A date really has to include a sleepover or he’s driving a long way to see me.
I knew it was going to be two weeks between visits because I had a work trip. Alan had complained about how much it sucked we couldn’t see each other more frequently. We had a date in our calendars, which ended up being the day after I broke my leg.
I let him know via text I broke it, and his first response was kind; was there anything I needed when he came to visit the next day. Then I was admitted to the hospital and informed I needed surgery. He was still appropriately responsive.
The next morning, he told me his sister was at the hospital, and he had to get her kids and go to the town where she lives, about an hour from me. He asked what hospital I was in and said if it wasn’t too late, he would stop by. Six hours went by and I heard nothing, but he did reply when I updated him on my surgery status.
I heard nothing else that night. I texted him the next morning to ask if his sister was okay, and was annoyed at his lack of clear communication; it turned out his sister wasn’t in the hospital, she worked there. He said it was a surprise and he was watching her kids.
The next morning, I still hadn’t had surgery and was in a lot of pain. I didn’t hear from him until 4pm, when he told me his phone died, a colleague got “laid off” and they were out having beers. He said “you good”? Which I thought was ridiculous – no, I wasn’t fucking good. I had a broken leg, was stuck in the hospital, wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything, and was in pain.
When I said “no, not good. Still waiting for surgery” he replied his friend “had a sex injury… ha ha ha…piece of skin on bottom of cock attached to the head. Ripped it. LMAO.”
I looked at my phone and thought “what the ever loving fuck is he talking about?” There I was in the hospital and he was seemingly not giving a shit. I felt it was insensitive.
When I went into surgery he again said he would come down if I wasn’t “too screwed up after the surgery”. He offered to come pick me up from the hospital if I needed help getting home.
I woke up the next morning to a couple of obviously drunk texts about how he wanted to hold me to make the pain go away. He reiterated his offer to come get me at the hospital.
But later, he told me he was delayed at work by some workplace contamination which was being scrubbed off by a “cute Russian blonde”. I was not impressed. After a brief text exchange, I heard nothing the rest of the day. Next morning he replied he’d passed out and was so hung over. He told me someone close to him died.
By then I was fed up with his inconsistency and insensitivity.
He wasn’t working the week I got out of the hospital, yet didn’t find 5 minutes to give me a call. I told him such, via text. He apologized profusely. He asked to see me and we set a time, then his text complained about how short the visit was. I told him not to bother.
Then things shifted and he was back to normal, sending me romantic but badly worded and misspelled texts. He told me he wanted to see me to take care of me and do whatever I needed, and asked to stay with me a for a couple of days between Christmas and New Years. I relented, but told him I wasn’t sure about two nights. It wasn’t just about him; I was very frustrated being helpless and in pain.
In the days leading up to his visit, I became more and more sure that I would need to tell him there was no long-term future for us. I just had to figure out how.