I’ve had a busy week. I’m writing this on a plane, having had just 4 hours of sleep last night, but boy was it worth it.
My life is normal to me, because it’s mine. But sometimes I see myself through the eyes of others, and I think – whoa. I have been in the arms of five different men in the last 7 days. None were new to me. Two were at the same time. One I didn’t have penetrative sex with. But still.
You know what? It was awesome.
I saw Alan and it felt like a repeat of earlier dates. Nothing new to discuss.
But Lewis and Clark both came over during the week and sweet holy heck was it amazing. Sometimes threesomes can be repetitive – being “spit roasted” (sucking one while fucking the other) and literally just switching from one end of the bed to the other.
But other times, when everyone is in a creative mood, it can be a lot more fun. Which is exactly what happened with them this time. I was bundled up into all kinds of different positions. Being flexible really helps in these situations, but sometimes I do get momentarily self-conscious about stomach rolls getting all jammed up into my boobs. The dudes don’t seem to care, so ever onward we go.
I rather enjoy Clark. The last time I saw him – and I forget whether I wrote about it – it was just the two of us and I had some of the best sex of my life. But not before we spent more than an hour chatting on my balcony. This time, he arrived an hour earlier than Lewis and we ended up having a drink, sharing some laughs, and talking about deep things, sitting over a puzzle.
Yes, you read that right.
The early 30-something rock hard bodied fuck buddy loves puzzles, is a good uncle, and believes in reincarnation. Some might say he is an old soul.
And he’s an absolutely fantastic lover.
The two of them were a particularly great duo this time. One would use his hands on my hips to have me thrust even harder into the other. Lewis would grab my arms or legs and move me around for either him or Clark to get a better position. I came so many times I collapsed into giggles, crawling away from them and begging for a break.
Lewis had come from a work party where he’d had a number of drinks. He certainly didn’t seem intoxicated, but I noticed a difference in how he was with me: far more tender. He would caress my face or hold me differently – and while I’m not reading too much into it – it was noticeable. And nice, to be honest.
I slept very well that night.
I also saw Todd this week, twice. Once he joined a male colleague and I out for dinner – at first he was going to just come by for drinks after a hockey game, but it got cancelled so after checking with my colleague, he came earlier. I knew they would like each other, and they did. It was a gorgeous boozy dinner.
I learned more about the status of his marriage, and how it came about in the first place. My colleague remarked afterwards it was obvious we had a connection. Despite the connection, I am going to keep Todd at arm’s length – easier for sure when he lives many thousands of arms lengths away, regardless of how often I may visit his city. I’m unwilling to get emotionally sunk by another man who isn’t fully out of his marriage.
He came back to my hotel room and I reveled in his gorgeousness (he was a model, for crying out loud), his whispered sweet words, and his sensuality.
The second night we saw each other, I had him all to myself for the whole night. We went for a late dinner, drinks, then dancing. Exactly the kind of place I’d asked him to take me – dark, loud, and grindy. I would put my hand on his flat, muscled stomach or his bicep, press my face to his collarbone, gyrate my ass against him. He would wrap his fingers through my hair to tilt my head back to kiss me, or run his hands over my butt, or place his hand flat just above my pelvic bone to create more pressure against him, or grab both hips with his hands.
It was well after 2am when I suggested we go back to the hotel. By 3am he was calling me “baby” while his hands, mouth, and cock worked their magic. It was the best sex we’ve had so far – I presume because the alcohol allowed him to thrust a little faster and harder. But he still often stops just short of my orgasm, which can be very frustrating. I’m okay with that – no doubt if it was the best sex I’d ever had, it would be harder to keep my emotions in check.
The day after the dinner with Todd and my colleague, he said he couldn’t see me with a tradesman; I should instead be with Todd. He asked whether there was “that” spark with Alan – I had to say “no”.
And in that moment, I realized there’s a very fine line between being patient to see how a relationship with someone evolves when it isn’t an immediate slam-dunk, and staying with someone past the point where you know there is no long-term potential.
At this point in my life, which admittedly could last a week or a year, I don’t know why I would bother dating someone when I believe they aren’t for me long-term. I’m sure I could have some fun with Alan for a while – he’s nice to me, he’s sweet and sassy, we have good debates, he’s interesting to talk to – but I honestly can’t see a fully integrated relationship with him, ever.
He sent me a picture of an extended family Christmas event and I couldn’t help but think “oh god, just kill me”. I’m not a snob, and if he and I were amazingly compatible I would care less about that kind of family stuff, but we have a few significant differences.
He wants to go away with me this winter when I take a break after some work stuff wraps up, and I’m not particularly excited by the thought. I mean, it would be fun, I’m sure… but I don’t feel those butterflies of excitement I should feel when contemplating a trip with a lover or boyfriend. I’d rather go with Lewis; that should tell me something.
But interestingly, it’s not just about Alan. While my time with Todd was amazing, and I learned some things about his marital situation that would normally have me all excited about what could happen with him, I don’t feel any hope or excitement at all.
Even with my feelings about Tony, something has shifted again. The pain is different, less sharp. We have been in minimal contact; the times I have looked at his wife’s Instagram posts of them together (yes, of course I couldn’t keep away 100%) there are no rabbit holes for me. I guess I’m starting to let him go.
But I have minimal interest today in filling the emotional void he leaves.